Security Reasons??!!!

I never got my hands on my phone, cable, or electric bills this month. You see, Aaron and/or the girls usually check the mail, which can lead to the misplacement and/or trashing of important documents. These particular bills often arrive on the same day, so I'm guessing they're in the storm drain in front of our house. So they're due, and I don't know how much to pay- I pay all my bills online using my bank account, I love it, it makes life easier. I call the electric company first, and go through minutes of automated BS until they ask the last 4 digits of the social. So I say mine, and "I'm sorry, we don't know who the hell you are. Please wait on the line and a complete moron will be on in a moment to belittle you." Aaron had all of our utility stuff done, so his name and social are on the account, so she won't tell me what the balance is, I don't have his social memorized, sue me. "Is there anything else I can assist you with today?" she inquires, her melodic voice dripping with sarcasm. "Nnoooo." I reply, just as sickly sweet. And I'm thinking, "Yeah, tell everyone there not to expect OUR payment this month, since you're making it difficult and inconvenient beeeeiiitch!"
I understand and completely agree with codes and passwords and what not for things like bank accounts, credit cards, etc. But exactly what underhanded fiendish agenda could I have for wanting someone else's electric bill total? I guess I could blackmail them, send them a note constructed of letters cut from a magazine so they wouldn't recognize my writing- "I KNOW HOW MUCH YOUR ELECTRIC BILL IS. LEAVE ONE MILLION DOLLARS IN UNMARKED BILLS IN A BRIEFCASE UNDER THE BRIDGE. IF YOU DO NOT COMPLY WITHIN 24 HOURS, I WILL LEAK THIS INFORMATION TO THE PRESS."
Or even worse, maybe I'm like a modern day Robin Hood, picking broke ass people at random and paying their bills for them. "Honey, call the police! They said someone already paid it!"
Puuhhlease.

In Loving Memory

If you can't take a picture, draw one.
And I'm just getting started.
I thought about suggesting a group photo of all the employees to hang up front, but my boss would definitely smell a rat. He is well aware that I despise having my mug photographed.

A dog came in yesterday, and his name was Hooch. His last name was Taint. Say those together three times fast. We did, and we laughed and laughed.
We've also seen the Butts, the Fochts, the Dickeys (their dog's name is Dirty- I love it when he's staying with us, I make sure I mention him like 10 times a day- "We need to examine Dirty Dickey's head." "Go pull out Dirty Dickey so we can clean him up."), and the Piggs- they look JUST LIKE porkers. Upturned noses, beady little eyes, morbid obesity. They make Miss Piggy look like a person. I'm pretty sure I'd have my name legally changed if it were any of the above, seriously.

Sacked

I regret to inform you, Miss Piggy has been let go. We will all miss her. I'll have to produce copious amounts of phlegm and steal my own food on a daily basis in an attempt to fill the void.
Now if he would just deliver the pear princess her walking papers, a-hole elimination would be complete. Well, almost....

Random Unrelated Paragraphs

This is our Christmas Tree-

This is our Christmas tree the night after Aaron put it in the backyard and turned the sprinkler on it because he knew it was going to freeze-

It also froze half of the backyard and our zipcord (upper left). The girls loved it, they were crunching around and eating icicles all day. Now it's all thawed out waiting for the traditional dousing with gasoline so it can combust in a big ball of fire, almost burning down the regular tree in our yard. Nothing like creating new family holiday traditions.

I went for a long run today, and I was thinking about how I like to drink water periodically while I'm running but I really can't when I'm trucking through the neighborhood. It's not like I'm going to wear a fanny pack with a bottle in it, or one of those hats that has two cup holders and straws. So I'm considering asking different neighbors along my route to help. "Hi, you don't know me, but I could really use a refresher right about here, so I was wondering if you could stand on the end of your driveway at roughly 10 a.m. on Sunday mornings with a Dixie cup full of H2O. If I'm not there right at 10, hang tight, I'll be there." I'd snatch it, throw it down my throat, then crumple it and toss it at their feet. I think it's a fair request, it's not like they have anything better to do.

Then later today, I had to do Indy's anal glands. ARGH! I know why hers don't empty right, because she eats sock and it gives her the plots. I'm gonna teach Aaron how to do it, she's technically his stinking dog. She was munching away with her butt up on the couch today, and I chased her outside. They're like ping pong balls, and I keep forgetting to bring gloves home so they run all over my hand. And you know they sink down to the bone, to be continuously released over a 48 hour period through your skin.

And finally, I'm about to head over to my sister's for dinner, and pick Tatum up at a friend's house on the way. Her friend called and Tatum is always hassling me about going to people's houses. She was about as phone friendly as Tatum, it was funny. "Hello." "Hi." Silence. "Who's this?" "Can Tatum come over and play?" This is Casey." "Is it okay with your mom?" "Yeah." "Okay, we'll be over in a few minutes." Silence. "Okay, well, bye." "Bye." I'm just trying to put off this whole social thing as long as humanly possible!

The other day our lights went out for like 10 seconds in the morning, I was in my bathroom and the girls were in the kitchen. I was like, "It's okay you guys, I'm coming your way!" I could hear Tatum as I was slowly making my way down the hall "These things just happen sometimes." I don't know if she was trying to convince Reese or herself, but it was dang cute!

Pure Pleasure is....

A) eating Black Raspberry Chocolate Chunk Ice Cream B) sleeping in and not having to rush around to get ready C) the name of the sex accessories party I went to last weekend or D) all of the above. The answer is D.
Amazingly enough, I've never been to one before, and there were some real veterans there (my sisters included). I learned a LOT. As all of you know, as long as I know you well I have a big mouth that spews all forms of filth. I like to shock, disgust, and make people cackle. But I'm actually quite inexperienced when it comes to experimentation in the love-making department. Which I decided is A-OKAY for the most part.
I actually had a great time, nasty things crack me up and I was in good company. They had a great spread (no pun intended), including cookies shaped and decorated to look like penises. My friend proudly showed me the booklet of frosted penis pastries she used to make them.
One of the first things we did was play this game where you move one to two places to your right if you answer yes to our hostess's questions. These questions involve kinky things that you may have done or sex toys that you may have. I moved ONCE, answering yes to the question "Did you have sex yesterday?" The only other person that moved once was the doc for the "Have you ever faked an orgasm? question. Every other person made it all the way around the room at least once, some even twice! There were a lot of people there so I had a hard time keeping up with who was moving with what questions. I'd be like "Wait a minute!! Did you just move??!!" to my sisters.
The products were fascinating, and our party host did not beat around the bush (no pun intended) and had a heavy southern accent. If I had a dime for every time she said "And for those of you ladies who like that finger popped in the back door at just the right time...." They had a thing with a suction cup on it so you could "slap it on the wall of the shower when you're in there, back up to it, and go to TOWN!" BLARGHLLPLL
Items like Booty Eaze, Like a Virgin, Nympho Niagra, and The Love Chub, littered the pages of her catalog. She also had a tool belt she put on with every dildo known to man in it. We all passed around and tested lotions, waxes, toys, powders, you name it, we smelled it and fondled it.
The only disappointment of the day was that Mavis was not in attendance. I tried like the dick-ens to get her to go. I e-mailed her in an effort to convince her. "Are you coming to the penis party or what?!" Her husband e-mailed me back "This is the penis speaking. Why wasn't I invited?" My reply "Because it's for vaginas only! Tell your wife to give up the innocent act and come (no pun intended) !"

Miss Piggy

That is what the most recent addition to our clinic looks like, she's been there for like 2 months. I didn't like her immediately, I have a sixth sense about low lifes. Today, she really ticked me off, and I said. "That's it! I'm blogging her!"
She wears a ton of makeup, and little piggy tails in her hair, like she's a giant middle-aged toddler or something. It's disturbing.
When she started working with us, she told one of the other receptionists (that's what her primary job is) how much the people she worked with before loved her. Apparently they told her how great she was all of the time, and wrote her little notes on their dry erase board like "You rock!" and "Miss Piggy's the best!" Yeah, I'll write her a note. What kind of desperate freak tells someone she barely knows how much other people like her?
Last week, I had to relieve myself (as I do like 6 times in the morning, I pee a LOT), so I head into the can. And in the bowl, bobbing around in the surf, is a whitish foamy blob with some yellow/red mixed in. I flush the toilet with my foot and go about my business, and when I return to the prep room I let everyone know about the mucous plug I encountered.
"Oh, that was Miss Piggy." says Mavis. "I saw her go in and she made all of these coughing horking noises." She hocked a loogie in the toilet and LEFT IT IN THERE. First of all, what made her decide the toilet was the appropriate place for her throat discharge? And what kind of nasty hag leaves it for some poor, unsuspecting person who plans to make normal use of the facilities? ( I went in later that day and the pot was full of TP that had dark stuff on it- it was a bad day for me and my bladder).
So TODAY, one of the other receptionists ordered out mexican food for lunch. It's always comes with a buttload of chips and salsa. There's a bag in the breakroom when the doc and I go in to eat, so we ask if it's okay to have some. "Oh yeah, go ahead." Well Miss Piggy waddles in shortly thereafter and starts to make small talk. She overheard us talking about Katie Holmes and how she hasn't done any decent films since she hooked up with Crazy Cruise, and I was saying how stupid "Mad Money" was. She whines "Oh, you didn't like it? I thought it was cute!" "No, I hated it." (I've actually never seen it). "Oh, blah, blah, start eating chips, blah blah, roll up bag, blah, blah, walk out of the break room with it......" The doc and I stared after her with our mouths gaping, struck dumb temporarily by the heist. It was pretty obvious we were eating them, the salsa dribbling from our chins gave it away I'm sure. "Well, maybe she ordered Mexican food too and they're hers." WRONG. Unbelievable.
She's also bitchy and confrontational, she's already gotten into it with a couple other employees.
"No wonder her husband left her." I say. Apparently for her best friend. Ouch. She cries intermittently and without warning.
Completely unrelated, who's watching American Idol tryouts? I love them. The people are creepy (especially bowl cut blond big tooth who sang the love song about his mom) and Simon is mean. I have to admit though, I do get goosebumps when someone walks in and belts out a beautiful voice.

Dressed For Suck-Cess

Monday is my day off, if it wasn't I think I could've talked one of my co-workers out of borrowing a scrub top from the pear-shaped plop of a person I like to poke at.
She went to Animal Control with one of the doctors that day. We go every week to euthanize the sick and unwanted. It is an unfortunate and depressing part of our job, I'm glad they go on Mondays, hopefully I'll never have to go.
Anyway, apparently she was pretty funky when she got back, and she felt like she had to change her shirt. She didn't have any extras of her own there, and since Octavia the Orangutan lives right next door, she asked her if she could borrow one.
"It was disgusting. I smelled like fried food and cigarettes the rest of the day. I was miserable."
Um YEAH, what did you expect, flowers and freshness?! I'd rather wear a neon, cut-off, fishnet tube top with the nipples cut out without a bra than slip on something scraped out of that outhouse.
We were discussing this at the end of the day today, and my boss said she gave him a plant once he had to throw away because it smelled so bad. How thick does the stench have to be to permanently pollute foliage? They are supposed to make a more oxygen rich environment, not make you choke and gag. But I guess that's impossible when their leaves are clogged with grease and nicotine.
We were also discussing her boyfriend's BO and how he is working cutting down trees right now. We were joking about how he probably goes about knocking them down by lifting his arm and exposing them to his poison pit. TIMBER!!! And my boss says "Yeah, with his Mold Spice!" HA!

Another Gym Gem And Co-Worker Gets Creamed

Ya know, I think it's interesting that people will wait in line at the bathroom right by the gym (there's only two stalls), when there's another bathroom down the hall that has like 8 stalls. I know people like to drive around for 30 minutes to find a parking space two spots closer than what they originally saw. But when you go somewhere with the intent to get some exercise, shouldn't you go that extra mile and walk the additional 30 feet to take a whiz?
We all have those days at work where it seems like if there's a disgusting substance to be doused with, it's going to find it's way to you. The other day it was one of my favorite co-worker's turn at being trashed. She looked like an easel that the artist threw paint at passionately by the time her day was done (one that works mostly with yellow/brown).
Before we do an adominal surgery on an animal, I express its bladder so it won't get in the way. They are already under anesthesia at the time of course, and flat on their back. I was applying pressure to the belly of a rather large canine when this person, we'll call her Mavis, was walking around the end of the surgery table. The beast finally let go of its wee wee at that perfect moment, and she got a warm, golden shower. I missed the actual va-jay to lad-ay action because I was looking at the mutt's midsection, but the doctor didn't, and she was laughing so hard she was crying. When I realized what happened I was sobbing and snorting too. It looked like machine water gun fire right across her waistline. We thanked Mavis for the chuckle and the swell start to our day.
Later we had another pooch wake up a little crazy from anesthesia. He was thrashing and squawking and he almost took both of us out while we were trying to restrain him (me and Mavis). He finally calms down enough to carry to his kennel, so we hauled him out there. She happened to be toting his business end, and when we put him down some turds rolled right after him, and Mavis had a HUGE shat smear on her inner thigh. "Oh, Mavis!" I cried then commenced to giggling. She was really a great sport about it all, because she's got an excellent sense of humor. AND she knows she'll have plenty of opportunity to laugh at my expense. It's what we live for.
I should mention that the doc's all time favorite muck moment was when I was behind a large canine taking his temperature. When I took the thermometer out I saw some soft stool on it, and I said "Is this dog having diarrhea?" No sooner had the words formed when this mutt sharted a symphony of flatulence and feces in my face. The doctor was crouched in the corner of the room in the fetal position, face red and tears streaming. So don't feel bad for Mavis.

Midget Mattress Wrestling

This is an example of the ideas my husband conjures up when he's home with the kids and looking for inexpensive forms of entertainment. It's fun for the whole family.

Supplies needed: duct tape, couch pillows, a helmet of some sort, and a soft surface to be pummeled into.

Protective gear in place...

And the battle is about to begin....

One round into the competition, it was clear who would be champion....

Reese had a hard time staying upright in her suit of armor...

....and she suffered defeat and humiliation.

Today we were at the park, and we tried to play Simon Says. Tatum-"I get to be Simon!" Reese- "I get to be Says!" Ha! Reese couldn't care less if Simon said it or not. If she wanted to hop on one foot, she was gonna hop on one foot damn it! We had to quit because she kept getting mad.

BRET IS BACK

The Rock of Love Bus Tour has arrived! Woo hoo! I don't watch any TV shows because I don't have the time or interest. You have to watch all the episodes or you don't know what the hell's going on, and I don't have the TV taping crap that allows me to watch whenever I feel like it. HOWEVER, I make an exception for Rock of Love. It's on Sunday night, and if for some reason I miss it then it's on again Monday night. Sometimes my sister and I get together to watch it, and if we don't we call each other after it's over to discuss the highlights. The season premiere did not disappoint. Basically, it's Bret Michaels, the former lead singer of Poison, pretending like he's trying to find his true love so he can make his way through a herd of desperate, tweeked out skanks on national television. There was a girl who rapped him a tune she wrote on the back of a genital herpes hand out, and who was also so heavily medicated that she kept stumbling into the girl next to her at elimination (when he decides who gets a "pass" and who's leaving). She was wearing what looked like a pink shiny ribbon that covered one nipple, angled down over her va-jay, then shot back up to hide the other nipple. This same girl also drank a shot from one of those test tube glasses as it was protruding out of another girl's tainted taco. I was kinda sad to see them both kicked off so early, they seemed to have a lot of potential.
Bret is such a pathetic bandana sporting douche bag. I love it when they show him looking off into the distance reflecting on life, his lips pooching and scraggly hair shining in the setting sun.
Even though the two dirtiest hookers are gone, the remaining ladies show a lot of promise. The previous blog is a clip from the season premiere. It's rather funny, and it shows him kissing which he does like 20 times every show, and it's disgusting. He looks like the world's lousiest kisser to me. His lips are always puffy and oily, and he smushes and gushes them all over their mouths. They remind me of the monkey vagina from my zoo blog, and honestly I think I'd rather make out with that.

These Doritos Taste Like Throw Up

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Crishmas Picshures

Here is Reese in her elegant Christmas Day attire, believe it or not she put this little number together herself. She has on a cute little poofy sleeved shirt with purple flowers, a new pair of pajama pants, and for the finishing touch, a face full of dirt and red popsicle. She had pink sparkly shoes too, not pictured here.


Tatum's one woman show, she's listening to her new Ipod shuffle. Probably it's Miley Cyrus/Hannah Montana/overpaid toothy teen. There's one song of hers she listen to over and over and over....

When my pictures were loading, I noticed SEVERAL taken by Tatum that I wish I would've discovered prior to putting them on the computer. Here's a couple-
One of our other camera:

And one of a banana peel and a breakfast bar wrapper:
There's also like 5 of barbie clothes, 5 of her barbie house, like 20 of her princess calender, one of the trash can, one of the kitchen table, one of her backpack, one of her hand giving the piece sign, one of her feet, one of my butt (clothed), and about another 20-25 that are unrecognizable.

"The answer my friend, is blowin' in the wind. The answer is blowin' in the wind....."

Here's my former wall porn. Plump ones to the left, droopy ones top and bottom right, and I think those are the fuzzy one mid-right....

And a last one of my little beauties, one grinning while forcing the other to smile...

HAPPY NEW YEAR!!!

In a One Horse Open Sleigh- HEY

That part of the song always made me picture a headless horse, I'm not sure why.
Yeah, it's been awhile. I haven't felt motivated enough to blog, it's the Christmas cuisine sitting like a yule-log in my colon. Really, Santa would avoid this chimney, it has an extra thick layer of soot, if you know what I mean. Not that I haven't been eating things that are good for me, I 've just been eating more than my fair share of slop too. I went grocery shopping today and picked up all of the healthy fare I normally ingest, it's back to feeling spry and spunky. After all, you are what you eat, and I don't want to be a vienna sausage.
NO, I've never actually eaten one. When something smells like rotten crotch and cat food, I generally keep it as far away from my mouth as possible.
We had a great Christmas, I have some pictures but I'm too lazy to put them on right now. None too terribly exciting anyway. There is one of Aaron that looks like it should be the cover of an album from the free love, folk singing era. That's the first thing I thought when I looked at it after I took it. I'll put it on eventually. I tried to put some in a few days ago and my cord to my computer is acting screwy. It kicked my camera off right before it saved the pictures. I didn't have the energy to give it another go. Really, this time of year is EXHAUSTING.
I did get a buttload of Itunes giftcards, I'm pretty excited about that. Only I can't think of any songs I want that I don't already have. I know they're out there, I've just got a mental block. So any suggestions...
Also, Aaron got me an Ipod player for my car so I'm not cruising along with the buds in my ears, an accident waiting to happen. My sister got me a shirt, a little stuffed mange mite (I named him Itchy), AND she paid for my house to get cleaned. BOO YAH
The girls got loads of loot as usual. Tatum recognized a Santa gift, she saw it out in our garage room before she got it. Oops. It's okay though, we made her feel like she imagined it. "No you didn't Tatum, it must've been something else." Aaron's like "Great, she'll grow up to be an adult who doubts herself all of the time. She'll witness a crime and the cops'll be like "Is this the man you saw?" And she'll say "Yes. No. I don't know! I thought I saw a game from Santa a week before I got it, but I was wrong about that too!"
My mom helped me paint Reese's room a vibrant blue for her birthday, we surprised her. She's been asking to have it painted forever, partly because she wanted it painted, part stall tactic at bed time. She loved it. Almost as much as I loved it when Aaron surprised me by painting the kitchen. There was wallpaper before, with 3 different kinds of fruit in pairs, that all looked like nuts. Not macadamia or pecans, I'm talking about testicles. There was a firm plump pair, a fuzzy looking softer pair, and even one where one piece of fruit was hanging lower than the other one. Nothing like eating a meal surrounded by scrotum. When I'm feeling a little less comatose maybe I can scare up a photo with it in the background so you can share in its majesty.
Well, that's all for now I think. I'd list my New Year's Resolutions if I ever made any, but I don't. Is that terrible? Okay, here's one- I'm going to try my hardest to capture my favorite co-worker and her elusive mythical creature boyfriend on film.
BLAH. The other day one of the docs and I were out back talking to Animal control about an injured dog they brought by for us to assess, and I hear and FEEL this "huh-heh. huh-heh. huh-heh." I look behind me and it's HIM labored breathing in my ear, all tuckered out from the 10 foot walk he took from their apartment to nose around in our business. He hovered there the whole time, then he was like, "Oh, I just wanted to make sure you guys didn't need any help carrying the dog in before I went inside." As if we need his mayonnaise muscles, we're a lot more capable then he is. He'd probably have a heart attack as soon as he made it through the doors and sue for medical expenses and emotional distress.