Toil and Trouble

Over the last few years, I've been eating better and exercising more. And how does mother nature repay my effort to be healthier? My body makes gas by the gallon. Today, I had happen what happens way too often when I start running. I realize a minute or two into it that I have to float an air biscuit. It's like it was sitting in there chillin', planning to make it's leisurely exit at some point that day, and then I started jostling it around, and it's like "Whoa, I'm outta here!" I have to pinch my already straining gluteals to prevent the bubble from bursting. It gets exhausting doing that every few minutes, but once I start running I refuse to stop. Plus, even if I did, and took a trip to the can or outside to let one go, it's likely it would build right back up again once I got started. But the bubble isn't enough. It's builds and builds, so eventually it's like a boa constrictor in my intestines, gyrating and poking at my ribcage. I start to sweat and it's not necessarily from running. The pressure becomes so intense I not only have to pinch but suck, and I do so with such gusto I'm surprised the equipment behind me doesn't come flying forward and velcro itself to the back of my shorts. Next, it gives my lunch a good shove back, and I'm tasting a half-digested delicacy and rumbly belching. I HAVE TO, otherwise I would implode. I feel bad if the people around me catch a whiff, but if they knew what was brewing down below they'd be thanking me. There are people who release SBDs without a second thought to the safety of others, one guy in particular. He's ALWAYS red, whether he just got there or has been running an hour, his head looks like an overripe tomato. One time he slid one loose right next to me, and I thought I was going to suffocate. I mean, you have to breathe deeply when you're running, so you have no choice but to inhale the green cloud and do probably permanent damage to your lungs. I'm not going to subject those around me to second hand poo smoke. I can't wait til it cools off and I can run around the neighborhood more. Then I can blast away all I want! Maybe it'll make me faster, like nitrous.

I don't know about every gym, but the one I attend (YMCA)has TVs lined up along one wall. Obviously all of the cardio epuipment is facing that direction. There's never anything good on- news, news, and more news. I don't watch the news, it's always depressing, covering all the violent, horrible things that happen to individuals and/or groups of people. Or it's Obama or McCain yammering on. Watching them reminds me of writing papers for English class in highschool. Saying the same things over and over in different ways so it seems like something new. They don't have the sound on, but it's all captioned so you're reading it even if you don't want to plug in to hear it. The only thing I plug into is my Ipod, almost as loud as it will go, so that A) I can't hear the lame muzak playing overhead B) I can't hear the diarrhea-of-the-mouth non sweating socializers blah blah blah-ing C)no one tries to converse with me. I always try to get the treadmill in front of the history channel, at least the news they report is old, ancient even, and they often have realistic reenactments performed by the world's best actors. Today the topic involved China, there were a lot of battles and bloodshed. At one point, they were all in armour hacking away at each other with their swords, and the caption said (shouting in Chinese) with the english translation "AAAHHH! AAAHHH! AAAAHHH!" What does "aaahhh" sound like in Chinese exactly? For once I wish I would've been plugged in.

The Leisure Activities of Losers: Part Deux

I know this is what you've all been waiting for. As I said, she lives right next door to our place of employment, so it's on the other side of this fence. I took this one in a hurry because it's almost perpendicular to their front door, so I was a lot more likely to be spotted than I was snapping a photo of his aluminum corpses. If he saw me who knows what kind of instrument of death he would've cut me down with! I risked life and limb to report the truth! I find it hard to believe that he cut this stump himself, he must've found it this way. The axe is obvious, what is almost impossible to make out (sadly), is the ninja star below it. When he completes his training, he'll be sent on dangerous missions to assassinate squirrels and soda cans selling government secrets.

The Questions

Did you date someone from your school?
Yes, Kenney McKinney. We met in English class ( I think that's where I met Christy too) and I remember him fondly. I wonder what he's up to now.

What kind of car did you drive?
I didn't have a car in highschool. Our ride had a very small truck and really bad breath.

Were you a party animal?
I say yes, but I didn't really go to many actual parties.

Were you considered a flirt?
If the definition of flirting is making someone feel uncomfortable and insignificant.

Were you in band, choir, or orchestra?
no

Were you a nerd?
No. just different (christy too, she was not a nerd)

Were you on any varsity teams?
no

Did you ever get suspended/expelled?
No, I got detention for skipping class. My sister picked up the roll sheets for the classes and she asked my mom if I was sick that day. I would've gotten away with it if it wasn't for my meddling sibling. Thanks!

Can you still sing the fight song?
Did Pantera sing that one?

Who were your favorite teachers?
I have to say my art teachers (Ms. Wall and Mr. Faris), without which there would've been less people to make fun of. Although Ms wall used to kick me into the hall a lot for goofing around even though I didn't start it! (the perpetrator- Damon Black)

Where did you sit during lunch?
With my main lady Christy and other random sometimers. We'd stay til we were done too so the Turtle wouldn't sip our beverages in our absence

What was your school's full name?
Klein High School

School Mascot?
The BearKat (we sucked)

Did you go to homecoming?
no

If you could go back and do it again, would you?
no

What do you remember most about graduation?
The weird spandex like shiny green outfit with the black witch shoes I purchased just for the occasion.

Where did you go senior skip day?
School

Were you in any clubs?
Yeah, mostly Numbers and the Vatican

Have you gained any weight since then?
no

Who was your prom date?
Didn't go. Although I agree with Christy, we should've left John sobbing with his tux and corsage and gone together

Are you planning on going to your ten year reunion?
Didn't go. But planning to hit the 20 with Christy. Hoping Jorge will be there so Christy can terrorize him.

Attn: Movie Goers

I saw the new Batman last weekend. It was a copy, if you get my meanin', so an already dark, grainy movie was even darker. We were straining to keep track of the action when a shadow pops up and starts moving around. We're like "Who's that? What's happening?!" We soon realized we were witnessing a paying cutomer rising to take a whiz or get popcorn. It happened a couple more times. It's funny, for some reason it never occurred to me that could be one of the ways they make those. Anyhoo, the movie is fantastic. Heath Ledger was an excellent supervillain, evil with a sadistic sense of humor. And I'm not just saying that just because he's dead. As a matter of fact, my other favorite roll of his is in Lords of Doggtown, if you haven't seen that you should, it's fab. I also loved the motorcycle with the GIANT wheels. Hopefully that's not Batman's way of compensating for something little.

RAIN, RAIN, GO AWAY

It's been doing a lot of it around here lately, almost daily. And not normal rain, but thundery, lightnin', pouring down rain. Sometimes all day, sometimes only part. I have nothing personal against rain, but my reasons for despising too much of it are as follows: 1) I have small children. Small children require time outdoors to run amok and wear themselves out. In this heat, we usually accomplish this by heading to the pool or the beach. Obviously, it would be like putting electrical appliances on the corner of the tub while they are taking a bath to engage in these activities, so we don't. And even if it's not raining, it's usually all cloudy and sinister, so who wants to make a trip to have to turn right back around?! Not I. 2) It makes things grow. Now, if the rain could direct its efforts everywhere except my yard, that would be fine. Unfortunately, it can't pick and choose where it falls. So my grass (aka weeds) grows faster and needs to be mowed more often. I am someone who simply doesn't care if my microscopic speck of earth is emerald green. I don't necessarily mind mowing, it's kind of relaxing, but when I've got 50 zillion other things to do, that kind of cancels out the relaxing part. I'm more worried about the dirt in my house than in my yard. I'm including some photos of my luscious landscaping for your viewing pleasure. My husband just came up behind me and told me there's a drought. Whatever, mind your own business!

we don't believe in "edging"....

The above didn't strike me as pretty funny until about a week later. The weedeater broke so I crammed the mower into and around the bushes.......

Note the big dirt patches and the dead bushes. I found weird bugs in them when I was giving them their yearly trim, I think those little guys did all the damage. I wonder if there are "bug breeders" I could pick more up from...

The Teat Tuck

I might be a little older now........

........but I've still got it!!!