FUNDIES

I think that must be the bug spray, she probably has the biggest problem with insect swarms in the vicinity of her funky floss...

Casseroles & Asserholes

We had our Christmas pot luck lunch at work the other day, I brought this cheesy potato dish. It has a STICK AND A HALF of butter in it. It's nutritious and delicious. I had no choice but to bring it over to the witchy weeble wobble's apartment to have it warmed up. It was either that or everyone would have to warm up their servings individually in the microwave. So I take a deep breath, square my shoulders, and trudge next door. And what to my wondering eyes should appear, but two very large men and their bellies of beer. Inside I was retching. "Hi" I say. This guy with her abdominable boyfriend was actually more disgusting than him, I didn't think that was possible. He was fatter, which makes him a candidate for his own reality show on Discovery Health. He was also one of those people who's really fair skinned with hair so red it's orange. "Whatcha got?" They're bursting out of the sides of their warping plastic lawn chairs, craning their necks (what's left of them) to try to peek at my parcel. It's not like they would actually put forth the effort to get up, they would've brought their seats with them anyway. "It's a potato dish- with cheese, sour cream, butter- you know." "Like an Au Gratin." "Sort of. I guess." I knock and Humpty opens up to take my dish, and I hightail it out of there. Again, I didn't eat any of the spooge surprise she brought to the shindig. It was some kind of noodle thing with sauce on it. The possibilities for what could've been lurking in its depths are endless.
We chipped in and got the docs gift certificates for 60 minute massages at a nearby salon. I think they really liked them, my boss said he's never had one, and he could definitely benefit from it. It was funny because the the gift cards came in hot pink bags, I apologized to him explaining that was all they had, and we knew he was manly enough to handle it. Anyway, limp lungs from next door didn't contribute, she said she'd give me her share after payday, BUT she had gifts for them from only her, these nasty salami log and cheese chunk baskets. Whatever Repulsel!
Ohhhh, when I was at her apartment trying not to run away screaming, I saw something I will try to get a picture of tomorrow. You see, she hangs out her laundry to dry (sometimes for days- it may be laziness, or it's quite possible it takes their stuff that long to dry), and I spotted some sumo slingshots hanging close to the front door. TH-TH-THONG-THONG!

The Picture Bandit

Tatum isn't allowed to use the camera without permission and close supervision. I guess I'll have to start hiding it.

Speaking of Girl Goatees...

One time I was at work typing away, and my co-worker, a flamboyant male friend, was sitting at the station next to mine babbling away at my profile. He stopped mid-thought, said "What the?!", reached under my chin and yanked out a sapling by its roots. It seems like every woman I know suddenly started sprouting face fuzz at some point in their lives. Why didn't they warn us about this one? I'm definitely going to give my girls a heads up so they don't think they're turning into a werewolf or chubaka or something.

Don't You Just Love it When....

...you discover you missed the same hair the last 5 or 6 times you shaved? It had to be at least that many, this one was about ready to double as a jump rope. Okay and that's a sock, not my underwear, get your mind out of the gutter. Can you believe I almost ran for the razor instead of the camera? Luckily I came to my senses in time.

Why bother?

I guess people started their New Year's resolutions early, because the gym was jam-packed when I went today. It really irritates the shizzle out of me. I got stuck with an old, creaky, shaky treadmill, with the short, narrow belt that makes you almost step on the hard plastic. Why?! Because the good machines were full, primarily with pasty, paunchy plodders. WHY can't they get on the CRAP treadmill that's obviously better suited to their turtle shuffle? I mean, if you're not going to sweat, why bother? I'm not knocking chubby people trying to get in shape, I used to be one. But the idea is to INCREASE your heart rate.
Oh, and I saw the worst example of self-lust I've ever seen. You know what I'm talking about, the guys who give themselves long side glances in the mirror while subtly (THEY think) posing and flexing. This dude was walking towards the window- you can see yourself in them at night- smiling and striding towards it with real purpose- I honestly thought someone he knew was on the other side- then he stops just short of the glass and starts studying his features. What a douche. I wouldn't have been surprised if he started making out with his reflection. Get a room with yourself wanker.

The Christmas Questions

Wrapping paper or gift bags? Wrapping paper for Christmas, but I definitely use gift bags for everything else because I'm leeeaaazzzy. And to top it off I stink at arranging that tissue paper on top.
Real tree or artificial? Real. We like to go pick it out at the Christmas tree farm and watch them hack it down. YeeHaw!
When do you put up your tree? Hopefully we are heading out to get it this afternoon.
Do you like eggnog? Not especially.
Favorite gift you received as a child? I used to complain that my stocking was smaller than my siblings, then one morning I came downstairs to discover one almost as big as me.
Hardest person to buy for? My brother in laws
Easiest person to buy for? My kids
Do you have a nativity scene? No.
Mail or e-mail Christmas cards? I'm not organized enough to accomplish either.
Worst Christmas gift ever received? I'm with Hippie on this one, I plead the fifth.
Favorite Christmas movie? It's a toss up between It's a Wonderful Life and A Christmas Story. I love both of those for different reasons.
When do you start shopping for Christmas? I haven't gone yet.
Have you ever recycled a Christmas present? No, but I have recycled birthday presents.
Best Christmas traditions? We usually work on a 1-2 thousand piece puzzle
Lights on a tree? Twinkly multi-colored ones
Favorite Christmas song? I like to torture my kids with Santa Claus is Coming to Town. "Oh, you better watch out!!!"
Travel or stay home? We stay here, and mom & dad head our way.
Can you name Santa's reindeer? Grumpy, sneezy, bashful...oh, wait- what Hippie said.
Angel or Star? We have a star.
Open presents Christmas Eve or Christmas morning? We open all of our presents from each other Christmas Eve and do stockings in the morning
Most annoying thing this time of year? Really, I think it goes on too long and too strong
Favorite Ornament theme or color? We've got it all
Favorite Christmas dinner? The usual
Favorite Christmas breakfast? Christmas dinner
What do you want this year? A podometer. Some new bras. But mostly my big happy family.

This Place Is A Zoo

We went to the one in Jacksonville today, and we had a great time. We haven't been since Reese was a baby. Other than some minor whining and throwing the occasional punch at each other, the kids did great. I took an assload of pictures of course, which all seem really cool and exciting when you're there doing it, then you get home and look through them and you're like "Yep, that's a giraffe alright. No mistakin' it." I took a few I felt were interesting enough to share. Enjoy.
Okay, this is in the vulture cage, it's actually a feeding trough made to look like a zebra carcass they're pecking away at. Pretty sick.

It's always a thrill to see an animal in an enclosure that wasn't actually put in there by zoo staff. Here we have a run of the mill giant sewer rat waddling around in one of the water fowl exhibits.

This one WAS put in by zoo employees, they flung it over a log after they whacked it with a hammer, so the resident hawk could eat it without getting any scratches or nibbles. (Reese wanted me to hold her up to watch until the hawk ate it.)

This was in the rhino pen, so we are assuming it's a mountain of their excrement.

AAWWWW, the puddy tats wuv each utha ( I figured I should have one feel good photo).

LADIES AND GENTLEMAN, stay glued to your seats, for below we are unveiling the piece de resistance of our slide show, the winner of the blue ribbon.....

AND......

You may THINK you know what you're looking at, but you would be WRONG. One of the zoo workers, a monkey expert if you will, happened to be standing there when we were ogling this poor beast, and she told us this is what the FEMALES look like when they're ready to breed. Holy mud flaps, batman! Can you imagine what it would be like if that happened to us?! We'd have to wear MC Hammer pants the whole time and pee in the tub. And link like 5 tampons together like sausages if we wanted to have any hope of finding the string again. Aye caramba! I missed a pose that would've been an AWESOME shot, it was the monkey on that same post she's on in the first picture and she's touching her toes, butt in the breeze. By the time I fumbled my camera into position it was over. I'm SURE I was getting some dirty or at least weird looks because I was hopping around all jazzed and giggling uncontrollably. Can I help it if they have no sense of humor?

Gobble This

OKAY THEN. So this is my Thanksgiving blog finally, I forgot my new fancy camera on an important OUTING so I had to wait until I had a chance to get my SISTER'S camera card so I would have the TOOLS necessary to produce a THOROUGH and SATISFACTORY entry. There are more pictures here than you have ever seen before, and I suspect I will never put this many on at the the same time again.
My parents and my brother and his family drove many miles to join us for the holiday. We had a smurfy time. Below is a picture of the men folk slaving away at a card game, while the ladies enjoy some free time cooking, cleaning, and taking care of the kids. I'M KIDDING. The ladies played too, except me. The family card game, passed down for generations, is complicated and does not interest me, therefore I refuse to learn it. Ueker, Youker, U-KER- I don't know how to spell it. I told my husband he'll have to teach it to the girls so the tradition lives on. They also played poker. I personally prefer board games, I actively participated in those. Scattergories and Taboo- that's what I'm talkin' about!
I had a better picture than this but my brother is making an obscene finger gesture, so I deemed it inappropriate.

Here we have all of the pint-sized grandchildren- and my sister. I love how my niece is doing the dead weight thing off of my sister's lap.

The kids always become best friends immediately, even though they only see each other like once a year.

My nieces brought their DSS thingies, the likes of which my kids have never seen. They spent hours bent over them mesmerized....
Have you ever seen "The Grudge"? Creepy....

I love how Reese sneakily sidestepped into this picture...

It reminded me of this picture....

....although Cranky the Sour Patch Kid there is considerably LESS cute than Reese.

We went to a place called Leapin' Lizards on Friday to celebrate my nieces' birthdays. It's kind of like Chuck E Cheese only with lots of GIANT blow up jumpy things.
I whooped my sister at air hockey TWICE. OH YEAH! WOO HOO! I'M NUMBER ONE! I'M NUMBER ONE! I'm a sore winner.

These pictures are awesome. Kung Fu Tatum...
There was one slide in particular that none of us could resist, even mom.....
I got some pretty wicked burns on my elbows from that one.

The whole weekend was swell, and we wouldn't have changed a thing, even though we were pretty worn out by the end of it...


HOPE YOU AND YOURS HAD A TURKIFIC DAY.

Fiber One Breakfast Bars

I wouldn't recommend them unless you have no plans and no one is coming over to visit. Yeah, they taste pretty good, but you'll be tuba-riffic for the better part of the day. I suspected it last week, I ate my first one in the morning right after I got to work, and a few hours later I was flexing and doing the backward bubble. I did the cheek sneak in the bathroom a lot that day. I thought I'd confirm my suspicions today since I didn't have to work. And I certainly did. My sister came over and we had Thanksgiving left overs, when she walked in I made sure she knew that if something smelled like a fart in here it was me. And I'm not talking flutes here, this is the brass band. They must be for the seriously old and constipated. So if you know any petrified poopers, you can feel confident in suggesting these to assist them in their quest for a crap. Otherwise stick with something that doesn't make your mid-section look like a scene from Alien.
The older Grimace gets (my dog), the more he excessively licks his weiner. My husband just walked through and said "Enough Grimace, you keep lickin' that thing and it's gonna be gone." Which made me laugh and reminded me of the old tootsie pop commercial. "How many licks does it take to get to the center of Grimace's peter?" A one, a two, a thrrreee. CRUNCH. A thrrreee.