SCRUMPTIOUS

You don't know how bad I wanted to put this on facebook. Meet the amputated rear leg of an unfortunate labrador. A little tough, but the taste makes up for it...

A Runner's Runs

I was out for a leisurely run this afternoon, and about 1/4 of a mile in, I started floating air biscuits. This is not unusual, as a matter of fact it's pretty much an every run occurrence. My body gets warmed up, my digestive system gets to flowin', and my ass gets to blowin'. It's one of the many, MANY reasons I prefer to run outside. I hate trapping in my trumpet sounds just to be considerate towards others, farting is NATURAL, and I'm pretty sure it's unhealthy to let it build into a pressure cooker that you expel like a cannon blast as soon as you're safely contained in your vehicle. Anyway, I get about a mile and a half in, and I'm letting one go, when I realize this particular poof is taking a turn for the worse. You know, that sensation you get that there's more than just air meeting the brown eye. I immediately pull back, but I'm not sure if I was in time or not. I'm sweaty anyway, so it's impossible to say whether the moisture I'm feeling is just perspiration I'm noticing more now because I'm worried I just sharted myself, or if I just made my Hanes Her Ways into a fudge factory. Then I was thinking, how gross is it for me to keep running if I might be smearing doody all over my cheeks? Then I thought, would it be less disgusting for me to walk back? No, and running will get me there faster. So I keep going, but have to stop suddenly as I'm surprised by one of those lower gut to butt quakes, that tell you "IF YOU DO NOT PUT ALL OF YOUR EFFORT INTO STOPPING IT, YOU WILL SOIL YOURSELF". This feeling came and went my entire way back, and got increasely intense each time, like I was about to give birth to a bouncing baby BLOB out of my bunghole . Of course I was still running when I felt it was okay to. For one thing I was pissed that this anus attack was ruining my run, and secondly I was STILL trying to get home as fast as possible. It was like I knew running was only making it worse but at the same time I felt time was of the essence . And I didn't want MY essence turning my yoga pants into a toilet. To make a long story short (too late, I know, but I like to entertain), I made it home in time. SUCH a feeling of relief in the aftermath. And GOOD NEWS, no boogers in the briefs. The whole, tortuous journey back, I was also trying to figure out what was causing my horrible affliction. At first, I blamed it on the taco dinner we had at "family night" at the YMCA the night before. The girls insisted we go, it was just a handful of families all sitting at tables together, the parents trying to make small talk between awkward silences. ECH. Anyway, I was belching up seasoned ground beef juice for hours afterward. But then I was like no, I bet it was the piece of groom's cake I ate after lunch today. One of my coworker's got married last weekend, and I ate a little because I really wanted something sweet, and the frosting was like excessively sugary wet cement, and the cake (chocolate- not my fave anyway) was this greasy brick. THEN it dawned on me. I'm premenstrual! And not only does that cause yuck stomach, it also makes me feel exhausted, makes my boobs hurt, and oh yeah, I HAVE been an irritable bitch lately. Mystery solved! I really wish you could turn your period off like a faucet when you don't want to have any more kids. It's freaking miserable. And it seems to get worse the older I get. But I don't want to go on the pill. Or have something implanted in my arm. Or shoved up my vagina. Or have major surgery to get all of the plumbing removed. Which would only make me go through early menopause. ANOTHER thing we all have to look forward to. It's so much fun being a woman. THEN when I started thinking about running and my period, I started thinking about the marathon, which is on the 5TH of Nov. Any ideas on how to throw my schedule out of whack so I don't have to wear a diaper and use a roll of paper towels as a tampon? Isn't it true that if you work out a LOT LOT LOT, you can actually stop having your period? Like gymnasts, and ballerinas, and bodybuilders. So if I pump iron til I look like this, I can say goodbye to Aunt Flo. It would be worth it. I put this other picture in because it was in the images for "women body builders" which I thought was interesting as this small brown individual is neither a woman nor bulky enough to be considered a body builder. I also dig his beak, his wife beater, and his bottle blond 'do...