The Dirty Bird Catches the Worm

Today at work, we were talking about intestinal parasites in animals, and we got into the subject of parasites in people. My boss lived on a farm when he was a kid, and his mom used to deworm him and his brother every couple months. She called it "bubble gum". During the course of this conversation, my boss made mention of the guinea worm. "What's that?" I'd never heard of it. "It's a worm that lives in peoples' feet, and when they wade into water it shoots out and sprays eggs into the water." "EEWEWWWW! Ohhhhh!" Then I burst into delighted giggles. I mean, that's REALLY disgusting. I love disgusting things, and that's the nastiest thing I've heard in awhile. I pictured these worms rolling out peoples' hooves like party favors, spewing their future offspring into the abyss like pellets from a gun. "What do they look like? Do you think we could find a picture?!" He immediately gets on the net and finds several deliciously revolting images. A collective "OOOHHHH!" resounds around the room. Here's one for your viewing pleasure. There's a lot more available if you're interested:

It's the coolest thing I've learned all week.

And I just want to say, I'm sick and tired of people coming in and whining about money. Times are tight for everyone, and you know what, don't get a pet if you can't afford to take care of it. But don't expect us to give you shit for free, I want to get paid too. People really think we should though! I want them to go to Wal-mart, ask if they can take all of their groceries home and have them hold a check for half of it, and see what happens. And they get all pissy about it, like it's our fault that they neglected their pet and now it needs treatment they can't pay for. F*** off!

A lady actually offered my boss a stack of food stamps in exchange for vet services "You can buy steaks." Tempting.....but no.

And supposedly she can't work because she's "disabled." We hear this one a lot, and I'm sorry to say I simply don't believe it about 80% of the time. Most of them look fine to me. What, do you have corns on your feet? A 'roid? Crabs? Give me a break. If you can drive your ass up here and walk it in here, you can get some sort of job.

You down with OCD?

I was in a restaurant bathroom today, evacuating the weak ole bladder, and the water at the sink is going full blast. I didn't notice it at first, but it kept running and running, like as high and forcibly as it can go. The bathroom had one of those paper towel dispensers you wave your hand under to get a piece, and I heard "voop" "voop" "voop" over and over again. "Must be a little kid" I'm thinking as I squeeze out the last few drippity drops. I exit the stall with the intention of sweetly reprimanding the little twerp, and find a middle aged woman who looks deceptively normal finally shutting the water off. She proceeds to swiftly karate chop the air like five more times under the paper towel dispenser, use one piece to dry her hands, then use the remaining wad to let herself out of the bathroom. I think someone forgot to take their crazy pill.

Hare Raising

Someone called today wanting to know if we saw rabbits. The Boss does, but the Doc does not, and the Boss was not there today, so we gave them the names of a couple other vets to try in the area. The owner described the pets symptoms- laying on its side with it's necked stretched out, not moving. Uh, poke it with a stick. Did it react? Normally we don't diagnose illness over the phone, but we're pretty sure your bunny bought the carrot farm.

I just wanted you to admire the girth of the bananas that came in the latest bunch I bought. I took a picture of this one next to my forearm so you could truly appreciate its width. Not that I have a giant forearm or anything, but still...aye chi- hua-hua......
I posted this then came back to edit it, because I ALMOST forgot to tell you- I called a client today to update her on her dog, and it said (as usual)- "Please enjoy Alltell's ringback while your party is reached." What I WASN'T expecting was the tune that came on- "The Right Stuff" New Kids on the Block. HA! "Oh oh oh OHOH, oh oh OHOH!"

So Anyway, Back to Your Pet....

Today, one of my favorite co-workers- we'll call her Franny- phoned an owner with lab results. Apparently the woman's dog had some budding yeast in his urine, which Franny explained was likely a contaminant from his penis. "I get yeast infections under my boobs." confesses the owner. Ooookaayy....listen, if your mams and your dog's willy are passing funk back and forth, we'd really rather be kept in the dark about it.
Like the dude who's dog had an itchy rash all over it, so he felt it necessary to show my boss his own skin irritation, which extended from his nips to the bottom of his treasure trail. That's a path I wouldn't want to follow.
And the guy whose cat had an inguinal hernia, apparently he could sympathize. He had a hernia once, it was really painful and it "looked like he had three testicles." Moving right along.

In recent diseased poultry news, the yellow ones are exploding. Not that this is surprising, all they do is eat and shite. It seems the yellow ones are getting more than their fair share however, while the others still huddle together for warmth, the yellow ones lay by themselves, disgusting blobs snug in their own generous insulation.
I expect the day will come when we'll have to cut out the side of their box to crane lift them out, so we can transport them by way of tractor trailer to Cluck Memorial for gastric bypass. After they lose all the weight, they'll need surgery to remove the excess feathers. They can star in their own Discovery Health special- "The 40 lb Chicken" or "The World's Heaviest Hen".

Don't Bogart The Easter Grass

I bought Reese & Tatum the exact same Easter basket. I considered buying empty baskets and the individual items to put in them, but realized I'd be spending at least as much with 5 times the effort. And I found a really good one with a REAL barbie (not a Barb-eh?), a miniature ceramic tea set, costume jewelry, and candy. I figured if I purchased them identical ones the fight risk would be slim to none. Who was I kidding? Reese was still trying to burgle Tatum's rings and swipe her candy.
We did the egg dye thing (and fingers, and clothes, and table, etc...), ate copious amounts of flatulence-forming food, and had an Easter Eggs Hunt....

This is Reese after realizing Aaron's bike was a regular eggtopia...

Here's an unexpected, exciting find. What a treat!....

The older kids were helping hide eggs, and I had already griped at them for putting some of the eggs too high for the little ones to even see, let alone reach, when I noticed this .....

"OKAY! Which one of you turds put an egg in the antpile?! Very funny!" I went over and rubbed some of the dirt off with my foot, and realized it was an orange peel. My bad. But what are the chances of there being a fruit rind looking extremely egg like in an insect mound when we're about to have a friendly egg hunt? I made sure I covered it completely so none of the midgets made the same mistake I did.

Aaron rode his bike home from my sister's, and I followed shortly thereafter in the car with the girls. When I pulled into the driveway, he's standing in the garage chatting away with the neighbor that lives right across from us. They moved in less than a year ago ( I think...), and we've never spoken to them. They seem to keep to themselves, which is perfectly fine by me. Occasionally he'll be mowing, or she'll be coming in or out at the same time I am, and we'll do the "Hey." or the hand lift greeting thing, but that's about it. He's a tall, young guy (younger than us anyway), dressed nicely in a three button shirt and khakis. Clean cut. He's drinking a beer and smoking a cigarette. I say hello, and then herd the girls in for baths.

Aaron wanders in like 20 minutes later with a shit-eating grin on his face. "What?" I ask suspiciously. "I was sitting smoking my pipe, and the neighbor came over and walked right into the garage to talk to me." "He's had a few drinks, huh? They're usually not social- which is the way I like it." "Oh yeah." he says, still grinning. "he pointed at my pipe and said, " Hey, do you think I could buy some of that from you?" Aaron picks up his tobacco tin and says "Um, you want to buy some of this?" HA! Priceless! Apparently he and his wife thought Aaron was firing up a bowl every night. He even said when his wife sees Aaron in there she's like, "The neighbor's out in his garage smoking pot again!" HilAAARIOUS! So they got into a discussion about it, supposedly the dude and his wife rarely ever smoke it, but figured since it was convenient....if it was 10 years ago, the guy would've struck gold.

And GET THIS- Cheech & Chong have a FREAKING CHICKEN COOP in their back yard! It's a small world. And it only encourages my husband's obsession with turning our little suburban plot into Ole' MacDonald's farm.

DRAMA AT THE Y

I'm trucking along on my treadmill today, my Ipod blaring in my ears. I see the girl next to me frequently, she's one of the few others of my make and model that actually exercises at the gym. I glance in her direction at one point, and she's off of her treadmill, looking concerned, and I see that she is saying "help". I can't actually HEAR her, you see. I look at her, look at her treadmill, "What's wrong?" I wonder. She certainly looks fine to me. I get off of my treadmill, turn off my music, and follow her eyes to the floor in front of my machine. There's an old guy LAID OUT on the floor with one leg still hooked in the weight machine he was sitting on. HOLY WHAT THE ???!! It was right in front of me, but I couldn't see him when I was running because the panel completely blocked my view.
By that time, several people are gathered around him, asking questions. He seems lucid, says he "just got dizzy" but "he's fine". They put a towel under his head, they have to call the paramedics even though he doesn't want them to. I see he's covered in sweat and there's no bottled water in sight- not good- so I give the Y worker an unopened one of mine to give him- woopiddydoo right? It's a good thing there were a lot of other people around, because this hero probably would've stared dumbstruck and drooling for a few good minutes before making a move. If Hippie had been there, she probably would've been straddling him in a matter of seconds, taking pulse and respirations and shining the pen light she keeps with her (just in case) in his eyes. I'm much better with animals.
It didn't feel like the right thing to do to start running again right in front of the commotion, so I moved down several spaces. Then the lights went out (standard southern storm weather), and I almost knocked my teeth out. I figured maybe someone was trying to tell me to leave at that point, so I did.
I really prefer to run outside, but the weather has been ATROCIOUS. Also, I can't exactly tie Reese to the zipline and head out. This weather is the perfect temperature for it too, but the evening runs can be a little tricky this time of year, due to the return of the insect population. I get blinded by and/or ingest a gnat with every step I take. My favorite is the swarms, it's like a regular bug buffet.
Come to think of it, I've been wondering what's up with all the pepper in my daily deposit. I never use it...

What Came First?

The chicken, or the impulsive, pain in the ass husband? I had just gotten home from work Saturday, and no one's here, so I call Aaron's cell. "Where you be's at?" "I'm about to pull into the driveway. Come outside, we have a surprise for you." (I like how he said "we", as if the girls are partly responsible) "It better be plants." (we're starting a garden). "It sort of is. Just come outside." "IT BETTER BE PLANTS." Click.
So I go out, they pull up, and they emerge from the truck with a cardboard carrier. I hear little peeping noises, but what really gives it away are the pictures of CHICKENS on the side of the box. Okay, so I was ready to be irritated by whatever critter Aaron brought home. But even though I wouldn't have liked it, I would've accepted just about ANYTHING else- rabbit, hamster, rat, guinea pig, even a damn puppy. BUT FILTHY CHICKENS?! They are second only to monkeys in germs and nastiness in my opinion. Birds in general are not pet material as far as I'm concerned. Fly around in the sky, land in one of my trees, or live in a CHICKEN COOP on a FARM, but don't expect ME to tend to your disease ridden needs!!!
I DISTINCTLY remember Aaron and I discussing how we'd like to have more land one day, and what animals we would keep on that land, and I'm ABSOLUTELY POSITIVE I said just about anything except CHICKENS!!!
Okay, I'm done ranting. Turns out he's either going to build a coop at work, or give them to a friend of my sister's in a few weeks, who has the PROPER facilities for them. Until then, he is solely responsible for their care. He left today and was like, "Can you check their water later? They might run out. " "Uh, yeah, I'm right on top of that."
The only upside is that the girls love them (of course). They've named them all. Pretty typical names until you get to "Fatburst"- "because she's fat" Reese says. And of course we're constantly washing hands because they're always wanting to touch the little puffs of putrescence. BLLALLSGH.
I have threatened (not in front of the girls of course) to feed them to Indy. "If she can pass a sock, she can pass a chick."

Tatum tried to catch a Frisbee with her face Friday night and she was not successful. Poor kid, she looked like the loser in a boxing match. A few hours after it happened, I tried to get her to let me take a picture, but she wouldn't have anything to do with it. Still traumatized I guess. "It's your first shiner Tatum! In a week you'll wish you had one!" I know, I'm horrible. I had to settle for a pic the next day, which I THOUGHT would be just as awesome, I figured her eye would be bursting with color. But it wasn't. It was a real disappointment, but I'm including it anyway.....

You should've seen it Friday night. Marshmallows for eyelids!

And here is a picture of Indy, who didn't want to be left out of the Ewok Erotica series. Not to be outdone, she went for the kinkiest position in the book.....