It's a Hard Knock Life

I figured since I didn't have a picture of the upchuck I would take one of the offending hound. As you can see she's no worse for wear.

Foamy Footwear

So we're running late this morning, and I'm standing in front of Reese's closet holding her so she can inspect her wardrobe and decide what to wear (she drives me INSANE), and I hear the telltale "HORK! HORK! HORK!" sounds coming from the living room. I haul butt out there, but I'm too late, Indy has already made a deposit on the carpet. She only vomits like once a year, and it would make perfect sense that it would be the day after I cleaned the carpets. I shout at her and kick her outside, then peer at the mass of material plopped by the baseboard- yes, it was RIGHT up against the wall too. She wanted to make sure the bile was able to seep down into the crevice. So it's one my socks, all slathered in slime and yellow ooze. I'm like "You should've been able to pass that!" Stupid dog, doesn't she know what'll fit through her poop shoot?! Then I go to pick it up, and realize there is a little pink sock adhered to the other side of mine. Ahhh, so that explains it. If I hadn't been so agitated, I would've thought to take a picture of it to put on here. As a matter of fact, it would've made a perfect "Guess what this is" entry. Next time.

Battle Scars

Cutting releases all of my pain and anguish, and makes me feel alive and free. BUT REALLY, you're thinking, "Oooh, some vicious cat was using your arm as a scratching post." THINK AGAIN. I would say 7 out of 10 scratches I receive are from screeching, nervous vermin trying to pass themselves off as dogs. The biting, shaking, poo and pee-making variety- teacup, miniature, toy, and pocket breeds. They are the bane of our existence and our bread and butter. For some reason people can't get enough of them. These bug-eyed, spastic freaks that look like Fraggle Rock rejects have become all of the rage. They're just not natural.
The "dog" that did this to my arm was a pomeranian. If you are not familiar with them, they look like you should be shoving them between your blinds for dusting, not buying them kibble. This particular animal was not mean, but it was doing something common for these little guys when you're holding them for exam. He had his toothpick forelimbs wrapped around my arm, clinging for dear life like a monkey on a tree branch. I didn't even realize what happened until we were done and I had put him up. I remarked " Gee, my arm kinda stings." Then I look down and I'm like "Holy S**t!" I guess his little dagger nails were so freaking sharp the pain didn't register until after the fact. They were oozing bright red blood and my skin was curled up at the ends of them like pencil shavings. We were sending him home some ointment for a sore on his tail, and I used some of it on my arm. "It's the least the little bastard can do for tearing me up", I explain to my co-workers.
This new injury reminded me of my favorite scar:
This is my leg just above the knee. This crescent shaped disfigurement was a gift from an evil entity we were having to keep at work to medicate. He had suffered some bite wounds from another dog ( I can't imagine why this dog didn't like him), and his owners were unable to flush his wounds at home (imagine that). We had him on tranquilizers for the duration, but he seemed to become more resistant to them with every day that went by. I thought I had his treatment down to a science. He would let you get him out of his kennel okay, but I used the rabies pole so I would have better control of him when it was time to muzzle him. The rabies pole is a metal pole with a loop on the end of it. You put it over their head, and you can tighten and release it with mechanisms on the other end. It allows you to keep a distance between you and the beast. ANYWAY, I would take him out with that thing on, then I would sneak up behind/over him while others distracted him and CLAMP my knees at the base of his skull with lightning speed. Then one of the other people would use a long piece (really long) of stretch gauze with a loop on the end of it to put over his nose and pull it tight, THEN we would slip a regular muzzle over that. This worked well for a while, but our luck ran out one day. He managed to twist his head around even in my powerful leg lock (picture the exorcist) and clamp his incisors into my quad. One of my fellow employees marveled at how much it looked like a little kid bit me. This canine was a Basenji, not a little rodent breed, but worthless just the same. Other breeds to avoid- chihuahuas, shih tzus, american eskimos (and spitz), chinese cresteds, and min pins. I'm not saying there aren't exceptions to the rule that these breeds suck, but why take the chance? Just say no.

Cheerleading Copetishen

She is really into it, drawing pictures, talking about it all the time, constantly practicing for some make-believe game that her non-existent squad of which she is an invisible member is cheering for! She reminds me of Stuart on MAD TV. "Look what I can do! Look what I can do!" She's got the splits down- something I was NEVER flexible enough to do, even in the womb- and she's the cartwheel queen. She does the several in a row thing, like she's a tire on a bicycle or something. Now I COULD do cartwheels at one point in my life, and the sad thing is that I probably STILL could, IF I wasn't afraid to straighten my legs all the way out. It's like I'm afraid if I do I'll bend the wrong way and break my back, or rip my feet off at the ankles on some extremely low hanging tree branches. I also can't swing anymore because it makes me dizzy. Pathetic. She's currently working on forward flips, which at present are a scary combination between a somersault and a body slam. She gets her legs up and then whips over and lands with a "thump" on her back. I cringe every time attempts this feat. She seems dead set on this thing, and I'm REALLY trying to coax her down another avenue. She's good at baseball, which is coming up soon I think, so I'm pretty sure this will be her first joining of an actual organized activity. Then if she likes it well enough, she'll forget all about pyramids and pom poms. RIGHT??!! She also got invited to her 1st slumber party. Which means I'll have to talk to and meet with parents/people I probably wouldn't associate with otherwise, pretend like I'm friendly and interested in them, so I can assess their mental and emotional health and determine whether I want to trust them with my firstborn! AND SO IT BEGINS. What a nightmare.

Overshare

We are really gross at work, as you all know. We witness disgusting things, we discuss disgusting things, we dwell on and celebrate all things disgusting. But this one employee (who quit this week by the way), took things to a level that made the rest of us uncomfortable. There's really no limit to our nastiness, but most of us have a similar sense of humor, and many of the things we accuse each other of and claim to partake in are only in jest. This particular person wanted to fit in and join the conversation, so out of left field her comments would fly, without the comedic timing and with total honesty. For instance, we were discussing alternative routes some people take when engaging in you know what I'm talking about don't make me elaborate. Several months ago, one of my favoritest co-workers said "Don't knock it til you tried it." She was only kidding, but of course I haven't let more than a day or two go by without reminding her. She sets herself up for it, what can I say. SO ANYWAY, the aforementioned former employee informs us that's the way she and her husband do it most of the time, because that's the only way she can "get off." Silence. Then she says that the only other people that know this (aren't we the privileged ones) are her husband and her DADDY. Apparently he was in the delivery room when she had her kids-not sure what this has to do with backdoor entry- but whatever. Another one of my favorite co-workers (when I say "favorite", I actually mean it in this blog), proceeded to ask her if her kids came out of her butt. I still laugh EVERY time I think of her saying that. On a previous occasion, we (me, creepy kinky girl, and kidsfromanus pal) were eating lunch in the break room and we were talking about how we liked food that makes our breath stink- garlic, onions, etc. Soggy sphincter told us she LOVES onions, and her husband tells her she smells and tastes like one "down there" when she's eaten a lot of them. Check please.

Pick On Someone Your Own Size

I'm not the world's greatest mother, nor do I claim to be. There are times I rely on the TV a little too much, I slack on the housework, I let my kids say mommy 20 times sometimes before I'm like "WHAT???!?!" But I can't stand people who do not take the responsibilty of being a parent at all seriously, who do not realize what a wonderful precious gift they are, and how important it is to put forth your best effort at least MOST of the time. They are innocent and defenseless, relying on the adults in their lives to provide the love and sustenance they need to grow into people who are healthy physically, mentally, and emotionally. We're all going to make mistakes, but to knowingly do things or not do things that could damage their kids permanently makes me VERY ANGRY. SMOKING and/or DRINKING while pregnant?! If you're too selfish to put the baby before yourself when it hasn't even been born yet, motherhood's obviously not for you. And the best thing about people like this is that they are so ignorant and uncaring, that they do this OVER and OVER again, so we have all these kids in this country that are pretty much screwed from the start. The person or people who are supposed to be the most involved in their lives and have their best interest at heart- who should be kissing their boos boos, reading them stories, making them eat their vegetables, and telling them they love them at least 20 times a day- are completely apathetic when it comes to raising that impressionable little package that THEY brought into this world. I wish I had an idea for a solution to this problem, but I'm at a loss. You can't force losers to quit breeding. You could chew their ass out (which I've been tempted to do lately), but it wouldn't make a difference. You can't MAKE someone get a clue, they either have one or they don't. This has been bothering me a lot lately because I'm witness to it EVERYDAY right now, so you'll have to excuse the tirade. But I know everyone reading this feels the same way I do. OFF WITH THEIR REPRODUCTIVE ORGANS!

Happymerry Hallowgivingeastmas!

I know it's hard to believe, but we're not very motivated or creative when it comes to outdoor holiday decorations. So when I arrived home one night a few weeks ago to find our most high tech Halloween accessories carefully and artfully arranged in the front yard, I was very excited.

The Jack O Lanterns are wrapped around the front of a group of trees in a semi-circle, and the bats are strung up between them. They all light up. My husband put a lot of time and effort into this display. SO I was thinking....Jack O Lanterns are in fact pumpkins, and people eat pumpkin pie, pumpkin cake, pumpkin rolls, etc, on Thanksgiving and Christmas. And there are bats living around the country everywhere all year long. And those witch hats on the Jack O Lanterns could easily be mistaken for pilgrim hats. And if someone were to put little Santa Hats over those the day after Thanksgiving, why, they'd be all ready for the arrival of jolly ole Saint Nick! And let's just say I got some candy canes and used packing tape to adhere them to the bat wings. Ready to swoop down with a yummy delivery for all the good little boys and girls! For Easter, I'm picturing flying rabbits and jack o lantern eggs painted in pastels.......

Dude Looks Like A Lady

So another Halloween has come and gone, and the kids were very cute (except for the inevitable end of the night "I've had too much candy and excitement" meltdown). In the tradition of true Halloweeners, we froze our unmentionables off trekking through the neighborhood for over 2 hours. My hands were so numb I could barely unwrap my candy (but somehow I managed). I don't mind the hayrides and such, but seriously, the parents who literally drive their fat, lazy kids from house to house while endangering the lives of die hard trick or treaters really hack me off. I want to wrench off their sideviews and stick tacks under their tires. ANYWAY, Reese was a kitty....

Tatum was a freaking cheerleader (what else)......

But the real belle of the ball, the show stealer, the winner for the scariest and hairiest costume was my beloved.....

He came up with the idea of going as the bearded lady, which I readily agreed with. He tried to sidestep to schoolgirl, which I explained was entirely too creepy for someone who already looks like a predator. So I'm in Wal-Mart looking for a cheap, ugly old lady dress, and I'm having no luck. I guess even well-insulated women prefer pants in the winter. Then I spot the sleepwear-hmmmm.....After I located the perfect nightgown, the slipper and hair roller ideas quickly followed- big ones in the hair, little ones in the beard. Then my brother-in-law and my husband decided he needed droopy hooters. They put apples in the bottom of tube socks and tied them behind his neck. The neighborhood loved it. He received more wolf whistles and "hey sexy"s in that one night than most women get in their entire lives. He also had many date and phone number requests, to which he'd coyly reply " You have to pay for this kind of action." "How much?" they wanted to know. He repeatedly showed his captive audiences where his breasts go when he's on his back, and one man even put his arm around him and told everyone to tell his wife he found someone new. I'm only one of many people who took his picture, so you may find him on other areas of the Internet......
And look at that shine and volume after the curlers came out! Honestly, it makes me sick, he looks like a Pantene commercial and my hair's all scraggly and sucked dry. It's so unfair.