It's About Damn Time!!!

Aaron came prancing in from the back yard last week, hootin' and hollerin', both arms raised in the air like he was carrying twin torches in the Olympics or something. Clutched in each meat hook.....


There've been about 3 or 4 more since then. I figure after we've collected about 300 cartons worth, we'll have broken even.

I know I said that was my last vacation blog, but I forgot something. The picture below...

This picture was taken in the exact same spot 5 years ago...

It's crrrazzzy how fast time goes by.

Here we have one of many drawings by Tatum that all look almost exactly the same. She brought them to me to look at, and after perusing them I said, "These are great Tatum, but why do all of them have an eye patch?"

Appalled by my interpretation of her art work, she informed me that it's NOT an eye patch, it is part of her hair hanging over her eye. That's how her older cousin, whom Tatum much admires, wears her hair. All of the girls in the sketches are also wearing cheerleading costumes, belly buttons exposed. Now when I pull Tatum's hair back in the morning, she insists on hanging on to one strand of hair to leave dangling in her line of vision. Have I mentioned that I wish my girls could skip from like age 10 to age 20?

Anybody that knows me well, knows I really don't give two craps about how my vehicle looks. As long as it gets me from point A to point B without any trouble, I'm happy. My saturn is dented and scratched in multiple places, and I leave things (like water bottles, wrappers, receipts, the occasional banana peel) in it until until it either inhibits other people from riding in it OR someone other than my kids is going to be riding in it. And even THEN, Aaron's usually the one that ends up cleaning it out. Even if he's not the one driving it, it irritates him. And that's what I tell him too- "If you don't like it, YOU clean it out. I've got enough stuff to do." I don't live in it, so it's last on the list. Washing it?? VACUUMING it?? You've got to be kidding me. And I can't even remember the name of the spray you're supposed to use on the steering wheel and what not.
I got in the driver's side a couple weeks ago, and caught a brief glimpse of an immobile object in the corner where the dash meets the front windshield. It was dark, a couple inches long, and seemed to be segmented with some appendages. "Big bug" I think to myself, as I'm putting my key in the ignition. By the time I turn it, the insect's corpse has already been forgotten and replaced by a bazillion other things. Over the next couple weeks, I'll give it an occasional glance, but it's presence barely even registers with me. So the other day, I'm getting in the car, I see it, and it's shifted positions. It's then that I realize, it's not a bug at all....

Poor Kermy. I know what all of you are thinking- "Even if I thought it was just a bug, I would've gotten rid of it right away! You're so gross about your car!" (my sister's exact words). Unfortunately, like some other things in life (i.e. my yard), I just can't seem to make myself care. AS A MATTER OF FACT, I never went back to throw it away after I took the picture, so unless Aaron disposed of it, it's still a mini-mummy on my dash. How's THAT for disgusting? HAHAHAHAHA!

Here's more nasty for ya. This client of ours came in the other day with one of her dachshunds. I've never had a problem with her, but she can have a tendency to be bitchy, rude, cold, and condescending. She wasn't that day, as a matter of fact she was probably the nicest I'd ever seen her. I'd just gotten done going over her dog's go home sheet with her, and she was trying to get her dog to take him out of the room. He was hiding under her chair, and she was leaning down in it as far she could, trying to reach him. All of a sudden "PLERB PLAPPA PLIP". I guess the pressure that she was putting on her gut forced out the GIANT fart waiting there. The seats are vinyl too, so the acoustics were incredible. "Sorry" she says, face a little red. "That's okay", says I, and I walk her up to check out. Of course I go back and tell everyone, and I'm cracking up. "How'd you keep it together in there? I would've been dying!" I told them I think it just caught me by such surprise I was in shock for a minute. Or maybe I'm just really professional. Yep..that's what it is...

Let me ask you something? If you were a petite person, and you had calves bigger than your thighs, would you be on a stairmaster? This lady was, and I can't imagine why she was on a machine that would bulk them up even more. I guess she likes her lower legs to look like Popeye's forearms.

My Last Vacation Blog

I know, don't cry.
So we went to the Pittsburgh Zoo, a very cool place. I like the 10 story escalator you have to ride up to even GET to it, it's on a mountain just like everything else around there. Again, many of my pictures are of one animal or another, you've seen one, you've seen 'em all. Discovery Channel, National Geographic, the zoo- lions and tigers and bears, etc etc. As I did last time we went to a zoo, I only included pictures that may be a little out of the norm.

This one's for you Christy....


Okay, I SWEAR I never saw the message on the glass, and I took like five or six pictures. Aaron actually pointed it out when I was done-"No Flash Photography". Actually if you want to get technical, it says "o Flash Photography." I mean if they were really serious about it, you'd think they'd go to the trouble of pasting an N back on. I blame them. Aaron, trying to make me feel better about it, says "Good job Jen, you probably just killed it." I consulted a vet friend who volunteers regularly at an aquarium, and she said it actually just startles them and will make them go hide. SO THERE! And it didn't go hide, which means it's probably used to having it's picture taken, which means I'm probably one in a LONG line of octopus paparazzi.

This was taken in the bat area, which smelled like a giant pile of rancid spicy diarrhea, that someone threw up anchovies and tuna on, that some human sized dying amphibian crawled on top off just before it kicked the bucket, and someone found it after it had been baking/rotting in a humid climate for a week. I was taking a picture of one of the bats that were hanging upside down, and I didn't even realize this happened until I checked my pictures-

How cool is that??!!! A still of a winged rat in motion! It's like the ones behind it were changing clothes and he was blocking the view. "Move along people, nothing to see here..."

And last but not least, the wildest but cutest animals of all...

It was doing a fair amount of raining, so Gram and Gramps bought them some gear.

On the way to PA, there are a couple of long tunnels. They go under the mountains in Virginia. When we were heading back, Aaron thought it would be a great idea to start blasting away on the horn when we were going through one. At first I was like "Stop it!" Then all the other cars and trucks started honking, and the tunnel became a symphony of echoing toots. The kids loved it, and we exited the tunnel feeling a little closer to and more positive about our fellow man.

We entered the second tunnel (an hour or so following the first), and Aaron starts blast way again. Unfortunately, only one person responded this time, and only once. It was an 18 wheeler. Aaron continued to give it his best effort until we reached the end, but we didn't get any other responses.

After we were out, we started to come up alongside the 18 wheeler. I started smiling and raising my hand to wave, my way of thanking him for being decent enough to be the only other person to honk. We're right next to him, and I look up to see his arm raised as well- the back of his hand pressed to the window, middle finger extended. I started CRACKING UP, and I told Aaron what he did. Almost as funny was the fact that Aaron refused to believe he flipped us off. "Maybe he was giving us the thumbs up, or an a-okay sign." Um, I'm pretty sure I know what "the bird" looks like, it's a gesture I'm QUITE familiar with.

Crappers and Nappers

There are old homes aplenty in Pittsburgh. When I say old I mean they are 100 years or more. They also have several floors- the 1st, the second, the attic, and the basement. Despite all of the extra room and rooms, the majority of these buildings were constructed with only one bathroom. Maybe they didn't use them as often back then, due to a lack of food and/or the hassle of getting in and out of tight/multi layered clothing. Maybe if you were a lady it was impolite to excrete more than once daily. Who knows. My parents' house is no exception. They put in an extra bathroom when they lovingly restored their house. They also have what they refer to as a "Pittsburgh toilet." This phrase describes a commode that stands alone in the basement- no shower, no sink, no DOOR even....

Apparently it's a pretty common household item, and sort of a running joke. "3 bedroom, 2 bath, eh? The second bath is probably a Pittsburgh toilet...."
My mom was really excited that the only picture I took in her beautiful house with the intention of blogging was the pooper in the dungeon. HA! Seriously though, look at those decorative touches- a flowered shower curtain, an end table, even a fluffy mat around the bottom so you don't get your hooves cold on the concrete. And can you spot the spotted dog toilet scrubber holder? Delightful.
I can tell you this, my husband and my brother-in-law love it. And so do the rest of us, for the same reasons- they don't pollute the entire house with their gut garbage.

Whenever I visit my mom and dad, I'm so LETHARGIC. I'm like this pile of useless mush that sludges around everywhere. I'll get like 10 hours of sleep, then be sitting an hour later with my feet propped up, all yawning and droopy eyed. I suppose it has to do with feeling comfortable and relaxed, and in an environment where I'm not responsible for getting everything done. Actually I'm not really responsible for getting ANYTHING done. It's friggin' awesome. While I was pretty much a boneless heap, I didn't take it to the extreme like some other folks. They were a little TOO relaxed. Comatose even....

Common $#$&(@#$&* Courtesy

As I sit typing this, I'm waiting for our AC people to call back. You see, we've been without any air conditioning for roughly two weeks now. Initially, we had a friend of a friend come check it out. He added free on and cleaned the ducts, neither of which worked, and he was unable to find anything that could explain why it wasn't blowing any cold air. So we had to suck it up and call in the local experts, who determined our AC has bit it. Not really a big surprise, it's in the age range where that's likely to occur. When we were trying to get prices, it took FOREVER for them to "call us right back" (1-2 days which is an eternity when temperatures and tempers are rising). Now we've got the damn thing ordered, it's "supposed" to be in today, and "hopefully" they'll be out today to install it. This is what they told us Friday. So I'm off today (monday is my regular day off), and for the FIRST TIME EVER I have the house completely to myself- they started school last Wed, Reese's first year (why they started in the middle of the week is beyond me). So I call them this morning, to see when they typically get deliveries and when they might think they're coming out. I've got a few thing to do, I'm not asking for an exact time, just a ball park because obviously I don't want to miss their phone call. He said he would find out and "call me right back." This was over an hour ago. Sometimes, I just can't GET OVER how CRAPPY customer service is these days!!!! Find out asshole, and call me right back like you said! It's not a difficult freaking task, and oh YEAH, it's your stinkin' JOB!! If they couldn't give you any idea of when it would be, then call me the F back and tell me that!!!! So now, I'll have to call back shortly, and I will be sweet and polite and apologetic for bothering them because I know they are SOOO busy, and they will FINALLY give me an answer, then call me a pushy bitch after hanging up.
For another example, the guy that works on our x-ray machine at work. Our machine was having problems but still working, and he was supposed to be finding us a replacement before we were completely without the ability to take radiographs. After about 10 phone calls, he finally had one for us to look at. Then I called him like 10 MORE times, because he kept saying he was going to bring pictures and prices by on certain days and he would NEVER SHOW UP!!! How professional is that??!! Of course he's the only guy in the area so we're stuck, he's really nice and knowledgeable, but what the hell good does that do if he's not there!!!! So THEN our machine totally croaks, it has been almost 2 weeks without it, and it "should" be in today and "probably" installed by the end of the week. @$&*@%#$@
And while I'm complaining, my neighbor on the end of my street really pissed me off the other day. We had a new bus driver the first day of school, because our regular one had to have surgery. The first week is usually a little screwy anyway, as new kids/stops are added on. This lady had a list of the addresses she was supposed to stop at, but no names or idea about who was supposed to get off where. She's driving her route after school, stopping at the stops, and no one's getting off. So she makes the rounds like 4 times before everyone finally disembarks. Some kids were like 20 minutes late getting off the bus. One kid apparently got off at his friend's house, and walked the couple blocks back to his own. I'm assuming it was this heifer's kid, because I got stuck behind the bus the next day while she was leaning in the door, screaming and pointing for like 10 minutes. Her poor kid is on the driveway for the duration. When she's done she turns around and stomps toward him, gives him a kiss, then clamps her arm around his shoulders and marches him back toward the house. Here are my reasons why my neighbor is a total whore and the outburst was completely uncalled for A) her kid is almost as tall as me. are you telling me that after 4 or 5 years of riding the bus he has no idea where he's supposed to get off? He got off at his friend's because he knew he could get away with it that day B) did YOUR freaking bus pick you up and drop you off in front of your house???!! My certainly didn't! We had to walk a few blocks to the bus stop and C)(probably the most important) Parents are supposed to be WAITING to get their kids off the bus, and if no one's there TECHNICALLY the driver is not supposed to leave them. Where was Holier Than Cow when the bus passed her house for the umpteenth time?
On a lighter note, someone destroyed 26 mail boxes in our neighborhood the other night. One of them was ours. Luckily Aaron was able to nail it all back together, now it's even sturdier than before! We like our earthy, antique of a mailbox, I mean it's not like you can buy them with the fungus already on them. It takes YEARS to develop. Apparently, they were driving a golf cart, because they left several large pieces of its plastic windows all over the streets. It would seem the total douchebags were knocking their own means of transportation apart while destroying the property of others. When Aaron called the cops, they already knew who the culprits were and they were on their way to pick them up. I guess when you leave a trail of evidence leading to your snoring form snuggling an aluminum baseball bat, it's pretty much an open and shut case. ( I'm making that up, but how funny would that be?).
I consider my mailbox a small sacrifice I'd be willing to make again to serve a higher purpose. You see, Mooron Mom's mailbox was also toast. She probably called the mayor and tried to get a guest spot on the local news to express her outrage.
In closing, we do have two new red chickens. And none of the little mother cluckers are shooting any eggs out of their pooper yet! When are the portly peckers going to start earning their keep???!!
It's been right at two hours, and guess who hasn't called me back yet?

The 'Burgh

Okay, so I'm going to split my vacation blog into segments. I started thinking about all of the pictures I have that I want to put on, then I started contemplating what order I would put them all in, then I just became overwhelmed and decided to blog the PA trip over several entries. SO you are reading the first installment.
We had a fantastic time of course. We took a few trips to the local park, on our first visit one of the girls needed to go to the bathroom. I see a Porta A Pooper (dread) across the way, so I start towing her in that direction. On the way I'm mentally preparing myself for the mountain of TP, wee wee, and brown sludge piled up inside the hole that my precious child will soon be dangling her once healthy hind end over.
As we approach, I notice the sign on the side of the den o' doody...

WHAT?!! I had never heard of such a thing! I opened the door and was NOT immediately overpowered by the foul odor of excrement! The bowl contained nothing but blue fluid I could only hope and imagine was disinfected water! And by my feet....

Who would smoke in a turd tank?....Anyway, I still held her over the can (obviously) while she did her business, then I hit the foot pedal. It's not the kind that flushes in one go, you have to push it 4 or 5 times and pump everything through. But I was TOTALLY impressed and wondering why I hadn't come across one of these beauties until now.

A few days later, we returned, and had to make use of the facilities again. Have you ever put Hershey's chocolate fudge on ice cream? You know how it freezes as it's oozing down the scoop, waves halted in mid-flow? That's what the ENTIRE back of toilet seat looked like. I guess the flushing feature is pointless if the colon blow never actually makes it IN the receptacle.

My parents live in a town generously populated with what they refer to as "special people". This is my parents' kind and non-judgmental term for the folk I like to call "total nutjobs." As my dad explained, every area has its fair share of "special people" but where they live they actually COME OUT.

So my daughter, my stepson, and I are waiting outside of a local shop for my mom, my husband, and my other daughter. As we're hanging out, a lady shuffles by- probably mid 50s, matted hair, hunched forward, a wild look in her eyes. Suddenly her attention shifts to her right, and the wild look in her eyes becomes downright crrrrazy. So I follow her gaze to see what has her all riled up. My stepson is leaning against the store front, dollar bills fanned out in front of him as he's counting his money. She passed without incident ( I was really surprised), and I started CRACKING up. I told him he might want to keep his dough out of plain sight from now on. Seriously, I wish someone else could've seen her, it was hilarious. I was afraid if I tried to point her out while she was still close by, she might turn on me and pounce like a mountain lion. When I told everyone about it later, my parents knew exactly who I was talking about. Apparently she likes to scream at and kick telephone poles. I'm glad I didn't draw attention to myself- unlike those obnoxious telephone poles..