So, I haven't been able to escape other parent fraternization this summer. I have done my best to keep it to an absolute minimum, but it can't be completely avoided. The children must frolic together, unkempt and unruly, free from the bonds of school and stricter schedules.
I hate it. The adult interaction part anyway. I'm stuck making small talk and feigning interest when I really don't give a crap and I'm thinking "Why can't we just cover the who, when, and where and leave it at that??!!" Crikey!
There's a little girl right down the road that the girls particularly like to play with. I certainly don't mind her either, she's easy to have around, and they all get along for the MOST part. But I dread having to talk to her mom, not because she's a horrible person or anything, but because she drags on the conversation, filling it with random information I could give two tits about.
"Yeah, I had to go to the store. I needed milk, bread, toothpaste, dish soap (the list goes on and on ). Then "And what else was it?" LONG pause. "Oh yeah, mayo...." Really??!! What kind was it?! Hellmann's you say?! We normally use Kraft, but if you prefer Hellmann's we'll be sure to try it next time!!
One time I was taking her little girl and another one from the neighborhood with us to the YMCA pool (yippee), and she told me that the other girl was "part mexican, ya know" and she had gone to the beach with her family this weekend and they "loaded her with sunblock" because they didn't want her to get "any darker than she was already was." Newsflash, sunblock doesn't keep you from tanning, just burning. Of course, I didn't say that, or ANYTHING for that matter (except "mmm" "mmmhmmm" "Oohhh" or "okay") because I didn't want to encourage her.
My favorite encounter with her was another time when I stopped at her house to pick up the girls to come to the pool with us. She was wearing this cottony, pink, sleeveless dress thing that LOOKED like something one would wear over her suit to go swimming somewhere, and I was thinking "Pleeeassee, don't tell me she decided to come with." She didn't, and as I got closer it was apparent she wasn't wearing anything UNDER it, at least not on the upper half of her body. I was already pretty nauseated from this obvious discovery, when she proceeded to tell me she had a Dr.'s appt to check out some "sores on her back" that she "can't get to heal." She ran through the list of ointments she'd tried and went on about how itchy and uncomfortable they were. "Mmmmm. ooohhh. Mmmhmmm." I said. I was thinking "Is she really giving me the low down on the festering boils oozing on her back?" Who TELLS people they don't know REALLY well things like that??!! The next time I check out somewhere, like Walmart or Kroger, I'm gonna be like "Yeah, next time I come in, I think I'm finally gonna have to break down and get some Monistat. I have this raging, burning itch down there that I just can't seem to get rid of! I've tried cold compresses and baby powder but it's still on fire! I can't even wear underwear! See?!"
THEN, my next door neighbor was talking to me across our yards (we had both followed kids out to the ice cream truck) about how she had quit smoking 17 weeks ago, and she used to run all the time back in the day, and she was trying to get started again, and when did I run? AAHHHHHH!!! Running is my me time, alright? I don't stop, and I have my Ipod full blast, so I'm not interested in taking frequent walk breaks involving chatting with someone I barely know. I told her reaallly early, like 5:30 a.m. So she asks when I walk our dogs, and I was like "Usually after 7 in the evening on the days that I take them." And she says "If I see you maybe I'll hitch a ride with ya." AAHHHHHH!! "Sounds great." I exclaim. So now I have to go a different way so my neighbor doesn't spot us out of her window on our way out, only on our way in. What??!! You know if I was like "Um, I really appreciate you thinking of me, but I prefer to be alone when I run and walk the dogs."she'd be like "Oh sure! I understand!" then stomp away mumbling "Stuck up bitch."
What I think is funny is that she saw me at a gas station one time and she was like "Hey! How are you?" And I was like "umm, fine. And you?..." She goes "I'm your neighbor. From next door." "Right! How's it going?" I have never actually talked to her up close before, just a few times across the yard, so I didn't recognize her. I don't know how the hell she knew who I was, truth be told.
This is random but there was a middle aged WT (white trash) lady at the pool last week, wearing one of those one piece suits with a built in skirt, and a pair of white sweat socks. In the pool. I noticed them when she was standing beside the pool after just having gotten out, with a big puddle surrounding each soggy foot. Cuurrazzie.
SO. My sister is shopping with my nephew (5) and my niece (3) by herself the other day. Unfortunately, it's Aunt Flo's time of the month to visit, and it's the day when she's a REAL bitch. So my sister had no choice but to take them into the stall with her while she took care of business. To appreciate this story, you have to know that my nephew stutters when he gets all worked up. He also gets increasingly louder while he does it. Also, as with most kids, he tends to exaggerate and be melodramatic. For example, if my sister decides he's had enough Super Mario (he gets to play everyday) and makes him take a break, he'll say "But I NEVER get to play Super Mario!"
So, with four little eyes fixed on her, she does what she went in there to do. "Eeeeewwww!" they begin immediately. "Shhhhhhh!" she tells them. "But mama! But Mama! But MAMA! BUT MAMA!" my nephew chants. "SSHHHH! Don't say anything!" my sister pleads. "BUT MAMA!" my nephew shouts. "WHY ARE YOU ALWAYS PULLING DISGUSTING THINGS OUT OF YOUR BUTT?!" Hahahaha!!! She said she was pretty sure there was no one else in there, which seems like a real shame. If I had been a stranger overhearing the exchange, I definitely would've still blogged it.
I've had several dreams in my day that center around the fact that I have to pee. I know this is because I do actually have to pee, but I'm asleep and unable to wake up for whatever reason, so my subconscious creates a frustrating world where I am desperately trying to find somewhere to take a leak but I never have any luck. If I ever in fact finally find a place, my plan to evacuate my aching bladder is always foiled, and I end up back on my relief mission.
Last week, I had a similar dream, only in this one I had to poop. I have never had a "need to poop" dream before, because I've never actually had to take a dump while I was sleeping. And this was no exception, I didn't wake up from it and have to go straight to the can to drop a load or anything. Anyway, after what seemed like hours of frantic searching, I was excited to finally find a porcelain throne. But just like my urination never comes to be, my plan to pinch one came to end when I discovered a HUGE turd already occupying the toilet. There was no way that sucker was flushing down, it was the size of a fireplace log. It also had Lucky Charm marshmallows embedded in it. Yellow stars, blue diamonds, purple horseshoes...interpretations welcome.
However, when I got to a within a few feet of it, I realized it wasn't a rotting carcass after all....
...it was a tousled, trampled toupee. Hahahaha! I guess he got himself a fancier new rug and ditched the old one. Or maybe he had the top down and it flew off without him realizing it. Or maybe he just got tired of trying to be someone he's not (someone with hair).
