Over the last few years, I've been eating better and exercising more. And how does mother nature repay my effort to be healthier? My body makes gas by the gallon. Today, I had happen what happens way too often when I start running. I realize a minute or two into it that I have to float an air biscuit. It's like it was sitting in there chillin', planning to make it's leisurely exit at some point that day, and then I started jostling it around, and it's like "Whoa, I'm outta here!" I have to pinch my already straining gluteals to prevent the bubble from bursting. It gets exhausting doing that every few minutes, but once I start running I refuse to stop. Plus, even if I did, and took a trip to the can or outside to let one go, it's likely it would build right back up again once I got started. But the bubble isn't enough. It's builds and builds, so eventually it's like a boa constrictor in my intestines, gyrating and poking at my ribcage. I start to sweat and it's not necessarily from running. The pressure becomes so intense I not only have to pinch but suck, and I do so with such gusto I'm surprised the equipment behind me doesn't come flying forward and velcro itself to the back of my shorts. Next, it gives my lunch a good shove back, and I'm tasting a half-digested delicacy and rumbly belching. I HAVE TO, otherwise I would implode. I feel bad if the people around me catch a whiff, but if they knew what was brewing down below they'd be thanking me. There are people who release SBDs without a second thought to the safety of others, one guy in particular. He's ALWAYS red, whether he just got there or has been running an hour, his head looks like an overripe tomato. One time he slid one loose right next to me, and I thought I was going to suffocate. I mean, you have to breathe deeply when you're running, so you have no choice but to inhale the green cloud and do probably permanent damage to your lungs. I'm not going to subject those around me to second hand poo smoke. I can't wait til it cools off and I can run around the neighborhood more. Then I can blast away all I want! Maybe it'll make me faster, like nitrous.
Tuesday, August 26, 2008
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
3 comments:
Dude, seriously...I think that it's quite possible that you are the funniest person on the planet. You're blogs should win some sort of award or something.
Also, I totally know what you're talking about. I HATE trying to hold in my farts when I'm running...that's a total task.
The farts and 'the runner's log' are the curses of being a runner. Running outside is definately better because you don't have to brush your teeth first and you can let 'm rip when ever you want.
Sometimes I wish I was an old lady already and could just fart loudly in front of people with out caring... maybe it's not that they don't care actually - maybe they can't help it. What a scary thought.
That's something I don't miss about treadmills, the lack of fart-freedom. I do miss being able to hop off and run to an actual bathroom with running water and a sink. How I miss handwashing! BTW, how do you restrain the twins while you're running? Does it entail steel girders? Sometimes I feel badly that I'm built like a 12-year-old boy, but it has come to my attention lately that my body is very efficient; it doesn't have anything flopping or dangling when I run, no extraneous parts to get in the way.
Post a Comment