And You Thought Those Cribs Were Fancy?

Check out this one...
Yeah, you guessed it, that's our freaking chicken coop...

Retail cost about $500 (at least), but if you order now it can be yours for $1 !!! And if you call within the next 10 minutes, you get six chickens absolutely free!!!!

I've decided the german/norwegian/dutch lady (I'm bad with accents) at the gym is a meth addict. She's skin on bones and the most spastic exerciser I've ever seen. She looks likes she's seizuring on the stairmaster. And every time she's talking to someone (which is OFTEN), she always super loud, and gesturing wildly with these exaggerated astounded expressions on her face. Like she's telling all of them about the worst or the most amazing thing that's ever happened to her. The gym's geriatric mac daddy is one of her most rapt listeners. You should see him work the room full of desperate housewives. Always willing to lend a droopy ear or a liver spotted shoulder to cry on. He's always wearing a bandana and a tank top, so he can show off the tattoo on his arm. It's either a sword or a penis, it's so blurry at this point it's anyone's guess.
Then there's sour face who runs for 3 minutes then spends the rest of the time complaining to anyone who'll listen about whatever it is she's bitching about. Every time I see her with her kids she's being nasty to them too. Her and her poopy friend were hogging (literally) the only two areas for sit ups when I was there today, discussing some horrid aspect of their terrible lives.
And those are just a few of the MANY reasons why I run in my neighborhood rather than the Y whenever possible. I'm going to break down and order a hydration holster today, otherwise they'll have to scrape me off of the pavement like roadkill.

Tatum had Field Day at school today, finally they have something scheduled on my day off!!! They do activities and play games. Reese had a great time, all of the kids in Tatum's class were very interested in the little sibling thing, and they were playing with and talking to her. Now my kids love each other, but they do spend a fair amount of time arguing and trying to get each other in trouble (naturally). But because her friends liked Reese so much, Tatum decided to make a rare exception today.....


Sisterly love preserved forever. Of course, she might be choking her for all I know.....

The Beauty Of Bowel Movements

The doc went to a conference in Maryland and came back with this fantastic, laminated sheet. She said she knew I would love it-

- and I do. I had never seen anything like it before, it never occurred to me to call crap anything but number two, but as you can see, it can be anywhere from a one to a seven! One being like a pebble, and 7 being like a puddle. I wish you could read the descriptions, I'll type one for you so you can share my delight- Score 5- Very moist but has distinct shape; present in piles rather than distinct logs; leaves residue and loses form when picked up. hee hee

Needless to say we've been scoring poop all week. "You need to clean Daisy's kennel. It looks like it started as a 3 but ended in a 6." or "I had beans for dinner last night, dropped a score 4 this morning."

There's only one of these treasures in our hands at this time, I made copies in black & white, but it just isn't the same. I'm going to order some. And hang them in my bathrooms.

The Dirty Bird Catches the Worm

Today at work, we were talking about intestinal parasites in animals, and we got into the subject of parasites in people. My boss lived on a farm when he was a kid, and his mom used to deworm him and his brother every couple months. She called it "bubble gum". During the course of this conversation, my boss made mention of the guinea worm. "What's that?" I'd never heard of it. "It's a worm that lives in peoples' feet, and when they wade into water it shoots out and sprays eggs into the water." "EEWEWWWW! Ohhhhh!" Then I burst into delighted giggles. I mean, that's REALLY disgusting. I love disgusting things, and that's the nastiest thing I've heard in awhile. I pictured these worms rolling out peoples' hooves like party favors, spewing their future offspring into the abyss like pellets from a gun. "What do they look like? Do you think we could find a picture?!" He immediately gets on the net and finds several deliciously revolting images. A collective "OOOHHHH!" resounds around the room. Here's one for your viewing pleasure. There's a lot more available if you're interested:

It's the coolest thing I've learned all week.

And I just want to say, I'm sick and tired of people coming in and whining about money. Times are tight for everyone, and you know what, don't get a pet if you can't afford to take care of it. But don't expect us to give you shit for free, I want to get paid too. People really think we should though! I want them to go to Wal-mart, ask if they can take all of their groceries home and have them hold a check for half of it, and see what happens. And they get all pissy about it, like it's our fault that they neglected their pet and now it needs treatment they can't pay for. F*** off!

A lady actually offered my boss a stack of food stamps in exchange for vet services "You can buy steaks." Tempting.....but no.

And supposedly she can't work because she's "disabled." We hear this one a lot, and I'm sorry to say I simply don't believe it about 80% of the time. Most of them look fine to me. What, do you have corns on your feet? A 'roid? Crabs? Give me a break. If you can drive your ass up here and walk it in here, you can get some sort of job.

You down with OCD?

I was in a restaurant bathroom today, evacuating the weak ole bladder, and the water at the sink is going full blast. I didn't notice it at first, but it kept running and running, like as high and forcibly as it can go. The bathroom had one of those paper towel dispensers you wave your hand under to get a piece, and I heard "voop" "voop" "voop" over and over again. "Must be a little kid" I'm thinking as I squeeze out the last few drippity drops. I exit the stall with the intention of sweetly reprimanding the little twerp, and find a middle aged woman who looks deceptively normal finally shutting the water off. She proceeds to swiftly karate chop the air like five more times under the paper towel dispenser, use one piece to dry her hands, then use the remaining wad to let herself out of the bathroom. I think someone forgot to take their crazy pill.

Hare Raising

Someone called today wanting to know if we saw rabbits. The Boss does, but the Doc does not, and the Boss was not there today, so we gave them the names of a couple other vets to try in the area. The owner described the pets symptoms- laying on its side with it's necked stretched out, not moving. Uh, poke it with a stick. Did it react? Normally we don't diagnose illness over the phone, but we're pretty sure your bunny bought the carrot farm.

I just wanted you to admire the girth of the bananas that came in the latest bunch I bought. I took a picture of this one next to my forearm so you could truly appreciate its width. Not that I have a giant forearm or anything, but still...aye chi- hua-hua......
I posted this then came back to edit it, because I ALMOST forgot to tell you- I called a client today to update her on her dog, and it said (as usual)- "Please enjoy Alltell's ringback while your party is reached." What I WASN'T expecting was the tune that came on- "The Right Stuff" New Kids on the Block. HA! "Oh oh oh OHOH, oh oh OHOH!"

So Anyway, Back to Your Pet....

Today, one of my favorite co-workers- we'll call her Franny- phoned an owner with lab results. Apparently the woman's dog had some budding yeast in his urine, which Franny explained was likely a contaminant from his penis. "I get yeast infections under my boobs." confesses the owner. Ooookaayy....listen, if your mams and your dog's willy are passing funk back and forth, we'd really rather be kept in the dark about it.
Like the dude who's dog had an itchy rash all over it, so he felt it necessary to show my boss his own skin irritation, which extended from his nips to the bottom of his treasure trail. That's a path I wouldn't want to follow.
And the guy whose cat had an inguinal hernia, apparently he could sympathize. He had a hernia once, it was really painful and it "looked like he had three testicles." Moving right along.

In recent diseased poultry news, the yellow ones are exploding. Not that this is surprising, all they do is eat and shite. It seems the yellow ones are getting more than their fair share however, while the others still huddle together for warmth, the yellow ones lay by themselves, disgusting blobs snug in their own generous insulation.
I expect the day will come when we'll have to cut out the side of their box to crane lift them out, so we can transport them by way of tractor trailer to Cluck Memorial for gastric bypass. After they lose all the weight, they'll need surgery to remove the excess feathers. They can star in their own Discovery Health special- "The 40 lb Chicken" or "The World's Heaviest Hen".

Don't Bogart The Easter Grass

I bought Reese & Tatum the exact same Easter basket. I considered buying empty baskets and the individual items to put in them, but realized I'd be spending at least as much with 5 times the effort. And I found a really good one with a REAL barbie (not a Barb-eh?), a miniature ceramic tea set, costume jewelry, and candy. I figured if I purchased them identical ones the fight risk would be slim to none. Who was I kidding? Reese was still trying to burgle Tatum's rings and swipe her candy.
We did the egg dye thing (and fingers, and clothes, and table, etc...), ate copious amounts of flatulence-forming food, and had an Easter Eggs Hunt....

This is Reese after realizing Aaron's bike was a regular eggtopia...

Here's an unexpected, exciting find. What a treat!....

The older kids were helping hide eggs, and I had already griped at them for putting some of the eggs too high for the little ones to even see, let alone reach, when I noticed this .....

"OKAY! Which one of you turds put an egg in the antpile?! Very funny!" I went over and rubbed some of the dirt off with my foot, and realized it was an orange peel. My bad. But what are the chances of there being a fruit rind looking extremely egg like in an insect mound when we're about to have a friendly egg hunt? I made sure I covered it completely so none of the midgets made the same mistake I did.

Aaron rode his bike home from my sister's, and I followed shortly thereafter in the car with the girls. When I pulled into the driveway, he's standing in the garage chatting away with the neighbor that lives right across from us. They moved in less than a year ago ( I think...), and we've never spoken to them. They seem to keep to themselves, which is perfectly fine by me. Occasionally he'll be mowing, or she'll be coming in or out at the same time I am, and we'll do the "Hey." or the hand lift greeting thing, but that's about it. He's a tall, young guy (younger than us anyway), dressed nicely in a three button shirt and khakis. Clean cut. He's drinking a beer and smoking a cigarette. I say hello, and then herd the girls in for baths.

Aaron wanders in like 20 minutes later with a shit-eating grin on his face. "What?" I ask suspiciously. "I was sitting smoking my pipe, and the neighbor came over and walked right into the garage to talk to me." "He's had a few drinks, huh? They're usually not social- which is the way I like it." "Oh yeah." he says, still grinning. "he pointed at my pipe and said, " Hey, do you think I could buy some of that from you?" Aaron picks up his tobacco tin and says "Um, you want to buy some of this?" HA! Priceless! Apparently he and his wife thought Aaron was firing up a bowl every night. He even said when his wife sees Aaron in there she's like, "The neighbor's out in his garage smoking pot again!" HilAAARIOUS! So they got into a discussion about it, supposedly the dude and his wife rarely ever smoke it, but figured since it was convenient....if it was 10 years ago, the guy would've struck gold.

And GET THIS- Cheech & Chong have a FREAKING CHICKEN COOP in their back yard! It's a small world. And it only encourages my husband's obsession with turning our little suburban plot into Ole' MacDonald's farm.