HOARDERS

I LOVE this show. It is fascinating and repulsive. I can't watch new episodes, it comes on at 10:00 (way too late for my tired old ass), so I watch it On Demand. I guess these people have some mental disorder that makes it impossible for them to throw anything away. In most cases, they lost something at some point in their lives, and this caused them to start saving EVERYTHING. Like, "My dad left when I was 5, so now I have this mountain of crusty paper plates and used kleenex to fill the void."
My fave was one with this crazy rhino of a dude and his chain smoking wife. They had to remove over 50 firearms and knives from his house before they could come in to clean. They had a big argument during the show, and right in the middle of it, completely off subject, he shouts "Oh will you just go get me a pickle!" "NO, I will not go get you a pickle!" she fires back. Later it shows the cleaning crew (all wearing gloves and face masks) emptying out the fridge. One of the first items tossed? None other than the pickle jar. Symbolic? I like to think so. The jar is their house and life, murky and containing a stench that will make your mouth fill with saliva and your eyes burn. And they are the pickles, previously crisp and fresh, but now shriveled and sour- puckered, bitter versions of their former selves. Or not. Maybe I just hate pickles.
Since I've been watching this outstanding program, I've decided there are a few houses in my area that are HIGHLY suspect of being hoarder homes. I wish I could get a look inside of them. There's the creepy dude with the two bright yellow cars and like 40 cats milling around in the front yard and driveway. I run by it, and I'm positive that he has crap piled to his ceiling.
Then there's the people with all of the appliances and old furniture crowding their front porch.
But those are the obvious places. You can't always judge the inside of the house by the outside. For example, my ex-boyfriend's mom's house looked neat and tidy on the outside. His smarmy stepdad took really good care of the lawn, there was landscaping and flowers, yadda yadda. You'd never know it was a regular obstacle course and death trap on the on the inside, littered with dog poop land mines, giant underwear lurking in the cracks of the sofa waiting to pounce, and mutant, man eating cockroaches.
Then there's my house. If you went by the overgrown bushes (with the occasional dead one thrown in), weed-riddled lawn, and shaggy sidewalks, you'd think it was a regular dumpster with windows. I'm no Betty Homemaker, but I do try to keep things half-way decent. Although I can see the potential for becoming a hoarder....
For instance- water bottles. I drink a lot of bottled water, but I have a hard time keeping track of the one I'm drinking. I probably rarely finish a whole one, because I can never remember where I put it. Then if I find one I'm like "Is this really mine? And if it is, is it from now or a couple days ago?" When I go to bed I always bring my current bottle with me, and take maybe another swig or two before lights out. When morning arrives, I decide it's too old now, it has been sitting there growing God knows what all night. So I leave it there. I've probably accumulated up to 12 bottles on my night stand at one time before finally emptying them into the dog's water dish. When I bring my new one, I simply shove the rest of the group far right, so I don't confuse my new one with any of the old ones. Come sun up, that bottle joins the rest of the backwash brigade. It's weird, like some beverage mental block.
Aaron has potential too. He likes to buy random, useless items from yard sales. A woman's scuba suit. A fireman's outfit. A unicycle. Have you ever tried to ride one of those things?! Impossible!
He also brings home bicycles that he finds abandoned on the side of the road if they look like they only need minor repair.
So who knows? In twenty years, you may see us on a show like Hoarders. Reese and Tatum, trying to live their own lives and ashamed of their crraazzy parents, contact the program for an emergency intervention, following an incident where they couldn't reach me for two days, only to find I had become trapped under an avalanche of water bottles. At least I wouldn't die of thirst. (actually I probably would, afraid to ingest the ancient H2O). Aaron never even knew I was missing, through all of the towers and layers of junk (and with the hood of his scuba suit muffling sounds), he didn't hear me yelling for help. And when he's training one of his chickens to ride the unicycle, he tends to shut the rest of the world out....

REESE

Reese on hair....(she's peeing watching me brush mine)...

"Mommy, why don't you have any knots?"

"Because my hair is so thin it doesn't get knots in it. I'd rather have thick, beautiful, curly hair like yours and have knots."

She looks thoughtful.

"You could shave your head and wear a wig."

I say (laughing), "I'm sure someday I will have to wear a wig."

She looks thoughtful again.

"I think I'll shave mine and wear a wig, then I won't have knots."

Reese on kidnapping (we're in the grocery store).....

"If I get lost, I want someone else to take me."

I say (laughing), "Why?"

"Because you're mean, Daddy's mean, Tatum's mean....."

Reese on movies (and cousins)......

Tatum comes rushing into the kitchen to tattle on Reese. Apparently she didn't like Reese's choice of movies (Winnie The Pooh), and Reese argued that"It's better than hitting Lilly (her cousin) with an axe." Let's see, should we watch Winnie the Pooh or axe Lilly? That is a toughie, but I think she's got the right idea...

Reese on asking advice....

"Mommy, should I eat the red candy or the blue one?"

"Pick the one you like, you're the one eating it."

"Which one?"

"I don't know! You pick it!"

"WHICH ONE?"

"Okay, the blue."

"Uuummm, no, I'm gonna have the red one."

Client Quote of the Day

"Fifteen head a' dawg and I gotta pick the one with no twat!" (Translation: There were fifteen puppies available for adoption and I chose the one with no vulva)

-the hillbilly woman who just found out her new female puppy has the hole but no lips

Inbred + Inbred = the perfect match in my opinion

Thirty Five

BAH. So I guess this means I'm going to continue to get older and uglier until I eventually croak it. I just hope I stay spry and sharp right up to the end. I don't see why I wouldn't- active , independent seniors run in my family. Also on the positive side, I take decent care of myself AND I don't ACT my age, both things I believe will increase my longevity.
Moving on...I went to Florida for a work conference a couple weeks ago! It was fantastic! I learned a lot of useful things as pertaining to my job, I went to Medieval Times, I went to Sea World, AND I got to see Foreigner live!! I wouldn't say they're a favorite or anything, but I do like several of their songs, and they are rock legends after all. For those of you who check my blog more than you do Facebook, here's the best picture I took while in Orlando- The Lead Singer of Foreigner's Mangina!


Seriously, he either tucked it back so his super tight pants wouldn't damage the goods, or he's packing a vienna sausage.
I also took a picture of this guy....

...because he has a thick, full moustache. Aaron can't grow one (beyond what looks like dirt on his upper lip), and I like to torture him with that fact whenever the opportunity arises. There was actually an even better one at Medieval Times but it kept coming out too dark. The lighting in there I guess...
So yes, Aaron and I insult each other a lot and give each other hell. We do it because we both think it's funny, we love each other, and we like to make each other laugh (at each other's expense). It's actually one of my favorite things about our relationship. But occasionally, we can get a little mushy too. Aaron said something rude to me at my sister's last night, and Mary says (while laughing) "You're mean!", when I remember the grocery list in my pocket. "He talks a lot of crap" I say, "but he really loves me a whole lot. I have the proof right here." I made the mistake of pulling it out when I was too close to him, and he snatched it away. Then he ripped off the last thing he had written on the list and ATE it. It said "1 pkg of love". HA! Bastard. I was planning to take a picture of it and blog it, but that's okay. He thinks he won, but there's more where that came from....

My birthday card from my Prince Charming. The present was a pink Snuggie! Woohoo! Although I think it was a partially selfish gift, he gets tired of me bitching about how cold I am.

The girls decided to lend their artistic talents to help finish Aaron's back piece...

AND, A WEIRD LAWN ORNAMENT UPDATE:

I found the placement of the sign strange. Does he not want us in the yard at all, or is it okay if we go in the yard, as long as we don't touch his alien?

AND FINALLY, I just had a bowl of my favorite ice cream and I am PISSED. I get a 1/2 the fat chocolate chocolate chip, that is SUPPOSED to have dark chocolate chips in it which is WHY I buy it in the first place, and this is the SECOND one I've brought home that contains ZERO. Actually the last one had ONE in it, that happened to be scooped in with Aaron's serving. I'm sending them a nasty e-mail.

Scoop O' Poop

It's time to give in to what?! That shart you've been holding at bay with your butt cheeks? This has to be one of the most disgusting food ads I've ever seen! Who is thinking these things up, and what moo-ron is paying them for their ideas? Because I want in on it. If gross is all it takes, I'm their girl. I've already got an idea for yogurt. It would be a close up of a big blob on the corner of someone's mouth, and it would say "It's time to swallow it." And that's just off the top of my head.

I was in an exam room cleaning the table after a patient left, when my gaze swept over the supply container. We have a clear, plastic cylinder in every room that has tongue depressors and q-tips in it- the ones on the end of a long wooden stick. Normally they're in there cotton tip down, but there was one with the cotton tip sticking up. And it had a big golden chunk of wax on it. "UUGGHH!" I took the container out of the room and showed it to everyone, because I wanted to make sure everyone had an opportunity to be grossed out. Then I took a picture of it, I intended to take the camera home and load it on my computer, but then I forgot. Maybe later. It was obviously human ear goo, pet wax looks different. We all figured it was a client who either thought it was funny OR they were disgruntled from having to wait too long, so they were like "I'll show them!", and left us a shiny surprise. At least I thought this until I showed my prize to the last co-worker on my list, and she said "I've found those before!!" So this leads me to believe an employee is the culprit, which I find disturbing. Why would someone who works there dig treasure out of their ear and leave it for someone else to deal with? It may seem like a small thing, but it speaks of an angry, possibly malicious personality.
My theory is it's the same person who takes their daily dump at work EVERY SINGLE MORNING. This poop perpetrator has been identified, we'll call her Fantasia. Every day she comes in, makes a GIANT cup of coffee that she works on for about 30 minutes to an hour (she's certainly not working on anything else), then she'll slip into the can for a good 10-15. The cue for her exit is a 5 second "sssshhhhhhh" which is the sweet sound of the Lysol dispensing it's perfume, so it can mingle with the doody cloud, leaving the pleasant "farts and flowers" combination.
WHY is she okay with that??! I would make an effort to get up a few minutes earlier, ya know, have my coffee at HOME, so that my colon is clean BEFORE I hit the office (actually, that is what I do). I just don't get it! And this I why I think she's the q-tip culprit as well, a criminal who leaves things instead of taking them.
By the way, Fanstasia is because she is one of those people who sings in a "listen to how beautiful my voice is" way, and she actually said once that she could've made it on American Idol. Whenever she starts in, I clench my teeth to either A)keep myself from telling her to shaddup or B) keep myself from laughing- depending on my mood.

You know what I never get tired of? Different people making the same comments over and over when I'm walking Indy. "Are you walking her or is she walking you?" "Is that a horse or a dog?" Hahahahahaaaaaa.....it never gets old.

So putting our Christmas tree out in freezing temps overnight while leaving a sprinkler drizzling on it has become a Griffin family tradition...

I love this picture, her expression and posture say "I'm really, really cold"

The fact that she's wearing Aaron's water shoes might have something to do with that...

By the way, Tatum took those pictures. I told her to take a picture of the tree, she took the rest on her own. I see blogging in her future, she's a natural..

Only In The South

Learn to beautify your rose bushes AND find the best weapons to blow away any varmints that try to tear 'em up!!! All the information you need to pamper your petunias and become a squirrel sniper in one magazine!
Personally, I wish there was a Basketweaving & Bombs. How about Antiques & Artillery? Knitting & Knives? I could do this all day...

JUST SAY NO

THIS IS YOUR DOG'S ANUS-

(actually it's my dog's anus)

THIS IS YOUR DOG'S ANUS ON BALLS-

ANY QUESTIONS?

Sponsored by the Council of Canine Testicle Haters and P.A.D.D (People Against Dogs "Doing It")