TMI

I came home from work last night, and shuffle into the living room, where Aaron is chilling on the sofa. His eyes are on me, all bright and sparkly, and he has this obnoxious, unsettling grin on his face. "What?" He continues to look up to no good. "WHAT?" "Nick's spending the night at a friend's house," he says. "Oookkaaayy...I give up, whose house is he spending the night at?" Silent smirking. "You didn't let him stay at Betty's did you?" (his little girlfriend when he lived here) "Nnnoooo...don't you know a lascivious grin when you see one?" he says. (yes, he actually used the word lascivious). The light bulb appears above my head. "Ohhhh...so you're telling me I should wait to take a shower." "I would rather you not." HA!
The prequel goes likes this. Ever since the van arrived, my husband has been fantasizing and HARASSING me about taking a ride in the van with him. Without anyone actually DRIVING it. If you get my meanin'. So I tell him there is no way it's happening if Nick is at home. Even if he is in bed before me (which would NEVER happen- I'm lame), his room is actually IN the garage which is dangerously close to the driveway, which is where the van is parked. I'm pretty sure he planted and perpetuated the sleepover idea so he could live out his dream.
So anyways, sorry mom and dad.....and any aunts and/or uncles that may be reading this....and of course- Joyce. I KNOW I KNOW, I'm doing the Joyce thing to death, but I just can't seem to help myself!!!
In other childish husband news, he asked me to look for the remote when he went to the store to get bottled water- "the least I could do since I was forcing him to go". According to him , he couldn't find it anywhere. So I scour the house, and when he comes home he's like "Did you find the remote?" "No." Then he starts snickering and pulls it out of his pocket. WHY, I ask you???!! "You are such an asshole!"

Unacceptable Behavior

I don't like to blindside my kids with things. Tatum had to go in for a wellness visit yesterday, and it turned out she needed a vaccine. They told me this when I called to make the appointment. So the morning of the appointment, I decided to share this information with her. A screech so powerful it caused my innards to rattle erupted from her cavern of a piehole. "NOOOOO-UHH! NAAAOOOO!!!" She bolted to her room and hid under her bed for like 30 minutes. The entire day was ruined (our appointment was at 3). She was an emotional wreck, every little thing caused a meltdown. Then came time to actually go to the doctor. I had to drag her out of the vehicle when we arrived. Then she ran to the middle of the parking lot, absolutely refusing to come inside. I had to drag her through the doors, and as soon as we went over the threshold she wrapped her arms around my waist like a rabid spider monkey and buried her face into my side.
They put us in a room, the nurse came in, and then the FREAKING NIGHTMARE really began. It was like a scene from the Exorcist, she was thrashing and squawking, and yanking away from the nurse every time she tried to do something. She couldn't take her temperature in her mouth- it was open and oozing- so she shoved it in her pit. "How old are you? HOW OLD ARE YOU?" " How old are... "Ummm...I really don't think she's capable of being reasonable at this point." I say.
When the moment of truth arrives, the nurse comes in with Helga the Viking Warrior Princess. Seriously, this towering scrub clad She-Ra reminded me of the lady on Deuce Bigalow (that's a big bitch!). She holds her legs and I lay on top of her, and Tatum is spitting and shrieking at ear splitting decibels. They get the job done, and Tatum (gotta love her) still in the throes of unimaginable torture, screams "WAS THAT IT?!" "Yes, Tatum Lee, so you better apologize to this nice nurse for being so rude and horrible to her." "SOORRRY!"
You've never seen such a quick recovery in your life. It was like the whole rotten day never happened. "That wasn't so bad." "Uh, yeah, just like I told you it wouldn't be." However she was dragging her leg on the way out like she'd been shot or something. I really should've known better. You should've seen that kid when I had to take out her first splinter. From now on, it's the element of surprise....
And REESE....no help whatsoever. She had her 4 year old shots not so long ago, so she was well aware and a font of advice and information. "She should be brave like I was." " Is that where they poke you with the sharp things here?" she inquires innocently, gesturing to her arms and legs. "When are we going to the doctor?" REESE...ZIP IT. Then she wants to whisper things to me, like people can't hear that three doors down.
In other news, we now have a mini van. I KNOW I KNOW! But it is KIND OF awesome. I forgot about getting it, so the first day I pulled up and it was in the driveway I was like "Who's here?" Oh yeaahhh....
I looked at it. And in it. And told Aaron he should probably keep me away from it, seeing as how it was dent free and super tidy. HERE'S a cool feature...there's a button on the side of the steering wheel you can push to bring the brake and gas pedal CLOSER to you, instead of scooting up to it. Nice.
OH GET THIS. Aaron discovered that two of the chickens- the ones that became plump little peckers at an alarming rate- were actually DESIGNED that way. They grow super fast, and then start to fall apart, because they are genetically engineered for eating. He had to take them to work and TAKE CARE of them. Now they live in a cozy little enclosure there we like to call the FREEZER. And they no longer have what you might call FEATHERS. And they are definitely lacking in what you or I may refer to as THEIR HEADS. BOCK-AW!
Aaron took the girls to the pool today, and everyone had to get out because someone's kid crapped in it. I keep telling Joyce to put a Little Swimmer on Cletis, but she refuses. She has a point, he is 10, and should be using the potty like a big boy by now. But then again, I guess if I'm not interested in bobbing around bumping into other people's rectal rockets, I should just stay home and run through my sprinkler.

JOYCE

Hell yes!!! For the first time ever someone I don't know in anyway whatsoever commented on my blog! And she critcized me too!!! THANKS JOY! Can I call you Joy? You seriously made my morning. I'm famous!!!

I'm Open! I'm Open!

I should've known better than to actually bring pool toys to the pool. I was playing catch with Tatum and Reese with the those soggy balls, and this half-wit freckled little freak was like "Can I play? Can I play? CAN I PLAY?" No you little red headed retard, you can't. So you have to include him and unless the soggy ball is actually in his hands, he's saying "I'm open! I'm open! I'M OPEN!" Seriously, his mom was right there, why didn't she tell him to cram it in his cramhole?
And then there's all the parents that SHOULD be right there, but aren't. They have these kids that are like 4 and under, and they're on the opposite side of the pool, sunbathing. One lady actually had her top open the other day. I was thinking, "I hope she doesn't have to dive in after one of her kids because I really don't feel like watching the twins flop everywhere." She probably wouldn't have anyway. Lifeguard!
And today, this lady I see around the Y and Tatum's school that I don't like the look of was there. You know when you don't actually know someone, but you're just like "ECH" about them before they even speak a word? The funny thing is Aaron is like that about her, and he's usually not quite as anti-social and judgmental as I am. We saw her at a school function once and he was like "I don't like her." Why not? Do you know her?" "No, she just seems like a bitch." HA!
So anyway, I'm guessing none of her friends were at the pool yet when I got there today, because she plunked right by me at the baby pool and starting yaking away. Then I moved to the big pool because adult swim was over, and I was like 2 feet away from the end of the steps, with like 8 feet on the other side of me. So she shoves into the two feet and is like "I'm sorry, I'm just cramming myself in here!" No problem. She comments on my upper leg tattoo. "Oooh, that must really hurt there." Aaron was like, "Did you tell her you're a sadistic bitch and it didn't bother you at all?" HA! "Yeah, I have a pen and a knife in my car if you want one..." Anyway she was bitching about how her 2 year old son was driving her crazy and she was going to take him to child care. She never made her way back, her posse arrived- woo hoo! One of them was my sister's neighbor, Hunchie...I really wish someone in my family would get a pool.

I'm a Slacker

Yeah, it's been awhile. First and foremost, for those of you who don't know, I had to let Grimace go. I adopted him from the Houston SPCA more than 14 years ago, and he was the best dog a gal could ever hope for. My life changed multiple times while he was in it, and he always went with the flow, loyal and good natured to the end. S.O.B. I AM CRYING! Anyway, below is his life in pictures, way too many, just as it should be. I'm aging him backwards like Mork from Ork. I love you Goo....

Okay, so it was not my intention to get a dog that looked so much like him, but my boss and co-worker were at the pound doing the horrible but necessary deed, and he was on the list. My co-worker called me to go check him and a few other puppies out. If his personality hadn't been so perfect, I wouldn't have ended up with a mini Grimmy. But it was, so say hello to Boomer...




Now on to the next thing..my cousins and parents were here the weekend before last, we had a fabulous time! I hadn't seen my cousin Julie in like 11 years, and I never get to see Brian enough either.

My ma was going to Wal-Mart (oh dreaded den of poor customer service), and I needed some feminine items so I asked her to pick them up while she was there. She did of course, and she even got me a variety to choose from. Because she is so thoughtful, she picked up some sport tampons. Now, I'd seen the "Sport" tampons before, but I've never thought to buy them. I'd think, "How could they be better suited to an athletic woman? Do they lace them with carbs? Can you light the string to ignite some kind of turbo boost? Do you wind it up before you put it in?" I just wasn't falling for it. Then after I opened one, I realized that it wasn't for women that are active, but that the tampon ITSELF is more athletic than a regular one! The inside is exactly the same, but the applicator is extremely aerodynamic. In a race on land, in the sea, or in the sky, the sport tampon would whoop a regular 'ol beaver dam any day of the week! Check out the sleek design-

I think I'm going to make my sisters or my husband help put my theory to the test. Look out YMCA pool, here comes the torpedo tampon test! I definitely think Sporty would land farther and more accurately in a va jay jay javelin throw too.

I went to go see Les Claypool last week!!!!! (bassist/lead singer of Primus). It was EXCELLENT. I haven't been to a club show in years and years, and I've missed it tremendously. The ear drum splitting volume, the cramped quarters, the characters, the smells...when there are a lot of guys around you that rarely bathe, are about a head taller, and put there arms in the air a lot-mmmmm.....and you would've REALLY loved it Hippie, because the weed smog was so thick you could cut it with a knife. HA! It was the best though, Les was RIGHT there, and the opening band, O'Death, was quite talented.

I was running the other day, and spied this on the side of the road.


It was full too! Can you imagine someone tossing out a perfectly good bottle of yellow water like that?! I have half a mind to go back there and get it for myself! Wasteful!

And You Thought Those Cribs Were Fancy?

Check out this one...
Yeah, you guessed it, that's our freaking chicken coop...

Retail cost about $500 (at least), but if you order now it can be yours for $1 !!! And if you call within the next 10 minutes, you get six chickens absolutely free!!!!

I've decided the german/norwegian/dutch lady (I'm bad with accents) at the gym is a meth addict. She's skin on bones and the most spastic exerciser I've ever seen. She looks likes she's seizuring on the stairmaster. And every time she's talking to someone (which is OFTEN), she always super loud, and gesturing wildly with these exaggerated astounded expressions on her face. Like she's telling all of them about the worst or the most amazing thing that's ever happened to her. The gym's geriatric mac daddy is one of her most rapt listeners. You should see him work the room full of desperate housewives. Always willing to lend a droopy ear or a liver spotted shoulder to cry on. He's always wearing a bandana and a tank top, so he can show off the tattoo on his arm. It's either a sword or a penis, it's so blurry at this point it's anyone's guess.
Then there's sour face who runs for 3 minutes then spends the rest of the time complaining to anyone who'll listen about whatever it is she's bitching about. Every time I see her with her kids she's being nasty to them too. Her and her poopy friend were hogging (literally) the only two areas for sit ups when I was there today, discussing some horrid aspect of their terrible lives.
And those are just a few of the MANY reasons why I run in my neighborhood rather than the Y whenever possible. I'm going to break down and order a hydration holster today, otherwise they'll have to scrape me off of the pavement like roadkill.

Tatum had Field Day at school today, finally they have something scheduled on my day off!!! They do activities and play games. Reese had a great time, all of the kids in Tatum's class were very interested in the little sibling thing, and they were playing with and talking to her. Now my kids love each other, but they do spend a fair amount of time arguing and trying to get each other in trouble (naturally). But because her friends liked Reese so much, Tatum decided to make a rare exception today.....


Sisterly love preserved forever. Of course, she might be choking her for all I know.....

The Beauty Of Bowel Movements

The doc went to a conference in Maryland and came back with this fantastic, laminated sheet. She said she knew I would love it-

- and I do. I had never seen anything like it before, it never occurred to me to call crap anything but number two, but as you can see, it can be anywhere from a one to a seven! One being like a pebble, and 7 being like a puddle. I wish you could read the descriptions, I'll type one for you so you can share my delight- Score 5- Very moist but has distinct shape; present in piles rather than distinct logs; leaves residue and loses form when picked up. hee hee

Needless to say we've been scoring poop all week. "You need to clean Daisy's kennel. It looks like it started as a 3 but ended in a 6." or "I had beans for dinner last night, dropped a score 4 this morning."

There's only one of these treasures in our hands at this time, I made copies in black & white, but it just isn't the same. I'm going to order some. And hang them in my bathrooms.