Unacceptable Behavior

I don't like to blindside my kids with things. Tatum had to go in for a wellness visit yesterday, and it turned out she needed a vaccine. They told me this when I called to make the appointment. So the morning of the appointment, I decided to share this information with her. A screech so powerful it caused my innards to rattle erupted from her cavern of a piehole. "NOOOOO-UHH! NAAAOOOO!!!" She bolted to her room and hid under her bed for like 30 minutes. The entire day was ruined (our appointment was at 3). She was an emotional wreck, every little thing caused a meltdown. Then came time to actually go to the doctor. I had to drag her out of the vehicle when we arrived. Then she ran to the middle of the parking lot, absolutely refusing to come inside. I had to drag her through the doors, and as soon as we went over the threshold she wrapped her arms around my waist like a rabid spider monkey and buried her face into my side.
They put us in a room, the nurse came in, and then the FREAKING NIGHTMARE really began. It was like a scene from the Exorcist, she was thrashing and squawking, and yanking away from the nurse every time she tried to do something. She couldn't take her temperature in her mouth- it was open and oozing- so she shoved it in her pit. "How old are you? HOW OLD ARE YOU?" " How old are... "Ummm...I really don't think she's capable of being reasonable at this point." I say.
When the moment of truth arrives, the nurse comes in with Helga the Viking Warrior Princess. Seriously, this towering scrub clad She-Ra reminded me of the lady on Deuce Bigalow (that's a big bitch!). She holds her legs and I lay on top of her, and Tatum is spitting and shrieking at ear splitting decibels. They get the job done, and Tatum (gotta love her) still in the throes of unimaginable torture, screams "WAS THAT IT?!" "Yes, Tatum Lee, so you better apologize to this nice nurse for being so rude and horrible to her." "SOORRRY!"
You've never seen such a quick recovery in your life. It was like the whole rotten day never happened. "That wasn't so bad." "Uh, yeah, just like I told you it wouldn't be." However she was dragging her leg on the way out like she'd been shot or something. I really should've known better. You should've seen that kid when I had to take out her first splinter. From now on, it's the element of surprise....
And REESE....no help whatsoever. She had her 4 year old shots not so long ago, so she was well aware and a font of advice and information. "She should be brave like I was." " Is that where they poke you with the sharp things here?" she inquires innocently, gesturing to her arms and legs. "When are we going to the doctor?" REESE...ZIP IT. Then she wants to whisper things to me, like people can't hear that three doors down.
In other news, we now have a mini van. I KNOW I KNOW! But it is KIND OF awesome. I forgot about getting it, so the first day I pulled up and it was in the driveway I was like "Who's here?" Oh yeaahhh....
I looked at it. And in it. And told Aaron he should probably keep me away from it, seeing as how it was dent free and super tidy. HERE'S a cool feature...there's a button on the side of the steering wheel you can push to bring the brake and gas pedal CLOSER to you, instead of scooting up to it. Nice.
OH GET THIS. Aaron discovered that two of the chickens- the ones that became plump little peckers at an alarming rate- were actually DESIGNED that way. They grow super fast, and then start to fall apart, because they are genetically engineered for eating. He had to take them to work and TAKE CARE of them. Now they live in a cozy little enclosure there we like to call the FREEZER. And they no longer have what you might call FEATHERS. And they are definitely lacking in what you or I may refer to as THEIR HEADS. BOCK-AW!
Aaron took the girls to the pool today, and everyone had to get out because someone's kid crapped in it. I keep telling Joyce to put a Little Swimmer on Cletis, but she refuses. She has a point, he is 10, and should be using the potty like a big boy by now. But then again, I guess if I'm not interested in bobbing around bumping into other people's rectal rockets, I should just stay home and run through my sprinkler.