Dude Looks Like A Lady

So another Halloween has come and gone, and the kids were very cute (except for the inevitable end of the night "I've had too much candy and excitement" meltdown). In the tradition of true Halloweeners, we froze our unmentionables off trekking through the neighborhood for over 2 hours. My hands were so numb I could barely unwrap my candy (but somehow I managed). I don't mind the hayrides and such, but seriously, the parents who literally drive their fat, lazy kids from house to house while endangering the lives of die hard trick or treaters really hack me off. I want to wrench off their sideviews and stick tacks under their tires. ANYWAY, Reese was a kitty....

Tatum was a freaking cheerleader (what else)......

But the real belle of the ball, the show stealer, the winner for the scariest and hairiest costume was my beloved.....

He came up with the idea of going as the bearded lady, which I readily agreed with. He tried to sidestep to schoolgirl, which I explained was entirely too creepy for someone who already looks like a predator. So I'm in Wal-Mart looking for a cheap, ugly old lady dress, and I'm having no luck. I guess even well-insulated women prefer pants in the winter. Then I spot the sleepwear-hmmmm.....After I located the perfect nightgown, the slipper and hair roller ideas quickly followed- big ones in the hair, little ones in the beard. Then my brother-in-law and my husband decided he needed droopy hooters. They put apples in the bottom of tube socks and tied them behind his neck. The neighborhood loved it. He received more wolf whistles and "hey sexy"s in that one night than most women get in their entire lives. He also had many date and phone number requests, to which he'd coyly reply " You have to pay for this kind of action." "How much?" they wanted to know. He repeatedly showed his captive audiences where his breasts go when he's on his back, and one man even put his arm around him and told everyone to tell his wife he found someone new. I'm only one of many people who took his picture, so you may find him on other areas of the Internet......
And look at that shine and volume after the curlers came out! Honestly, it makes me sick, he looks like a Pantene commercial and my hair's all scraggly and sucked dry. It's so unfair.

A Prince in Bigfoot's Clothing

My boisterous, burly husband surprised me with a gift today. When I went in to take a shower I found it wrapped with a card and everything, sitting on the toilet. I guess he figured I wouldn't miss it that way. And the card was FILLED with sweet and funny commentary- thanking me for all I do, apologizing for being a pain in the ass- the standard stuff. ANYWAY, it's a digital camera!!!! He saved up and bought me one. I can't tell you how many times I wanted to take a picture (often for this very blog), and didn't have the means. Sometimes you just CAN'T blog something without a picture to go with it. So thank you Meaty Bones! You're the bees knees!

Hooray For Tooth Decay

I know it's been awhile since you've heard anything about my favorite co-worker, Rotunda- Evil Queen of Doom And Destitution. Well here's a charming tale. Once upon a time, in a land not so far away, there lived an Evil Queen named Rotunda, and her faithful sidekick King Frontbutt III. King Frontbutt spent his days eating the finest cheeses and meats from vats made of solid gold, followed by dessert fit for royalty- Little Debbies and candy corns. One day, as he was chewing an especially tasty wad of steak fat, a shooting pain traveled from his tooth to his greasy scalp! He summoned the Queen, who determined upon closer inspection that his tooth was rotten and in need of immediate removal. She made haste to the vet clinic next door, where she borrowed the DENTAL INSTRUMENTS WE USE ON DOGS to extract the offending molar. After that they were able to eat, smoke, and stink to high heaven as they've always done, in their Crusty Castle on the hill. They lived heftily ever after. THE END
It's not like she ASKED if she could use them, it was all done on the sly. NOT that I'm concerned about pet germs in his mouth, I'm more concerned about HIS germs in pets' mouths. We sterilized them all of course. One person caught her in the act and she spilled her story, and inevitably we all knew by the end of the day. REALLY, it's vomitous. I mean, brush your teeth on occasion. I know it's hard to believe, but that buttery fuzz on them is not the enamel.
We had that pot luck lunch I mentioned in an earlier blog today, and she had signed up for cake. She was the only one signed up for dessert when I left Friday, so I brought regular food AND a dessert, because there was no way I was ingesting something that came out of that roach motel. Anyway, we were all discussing this towards the end of the day and I was like, "I decided to eat a piece." And they were like, "No you didn't." And I said, "Yeah I did, and his tooth was in it."

Fun With Fake People

This bronze bimbo was at the entrance of a park we went to recently, and I couldn't resist. My two most (let's face it ONLY) commenting compadres will remember the Houston photo shoot featuring us posing playfully with a bunch of similar stiffs.


I'm proud to say my little Future Mocker of America insisted on having her picture taken too.This kid is loaded with potential. As a parent, I want her to achieve above and beyond what I have, and I'm confident she is well on her way....

THE SOUP

Watch it. Love it. Laugh until you cry. I know I do.

Joel McHale is my hero.

Well, him AND my parents......

.......for different reasons, of course.

Betty Ray Cyrus

It used to be all one length right past her shoulders. Even though she looks like trailer trash toddler she's still CRAZY cute!! And just plain crazy- one of the many things I love about her. The expressions on her face are as priceless as the hairdo surrounding it. And YES, she's on the toilet in most of these pictures.

A Picture's Worth a Thousand Sperm

I hate having my picture taken, 99,999 times out 100,000 I look nappy and haggard. We have several digital cameras at work, supposedly to take pictures of our patients so we can put them in their medical record in the computer. While this is a rare occurrence, we do put our cameras to use in other ways. We like to take pictures of disgusting things of course- a uterus filled with infection, a huge blistered spleen, a monstrous tumor that looks like a brain- you get the idea. We'll also make an exception and take the patient's picture if that particular patient happens to be especially ugly or deformed in some manner. We also like to take pictures of each other, only attained when the person has no idea it's coming and it's too late to look away or run in the other direction. My evil glare and wispy hair were made a screen saver on every computer in the clinic at one point. They also made a mock brochure with me in it one time. "Hey Jen, what do you think about the new clinic brochure?" I look it over and....ha ha ha. I looked like I pull the whiskers off kittens and eat puppy tails with chip dip.

The most recent modeling gig took place last week. I saw her in time to avoid it, but I decided to use all of my energy and anger to toss a look so powerful in her direction, she would be struck down and maimed by it. The next day, around every corner, on every door, in every drawer and cupboard, I found this:

I'm saying "Who wouldn't want me to touch their animal...I love my job."

I can't decide if I look more like an 80 year old woman with no teeth, or the skinny guy from Road Trip. Someone told me I look like him once, and I never thought so until now.....so THANKS!

And yes, it is Technician Appreciation Week, something none of us would've been aware of if not for a doc I work with that's always reading vet magazines. She had the idea of a pot luck lunch to celebrate and recognize our hard work. While I appreciate the sentiment, we all have to sign up to bring something. I was like "Uh, since it's supposed to be in appreciation of us should we really be slaving over a hot stove? We should have it catered." She responded with "good luck with that." or "yeah right." While I still feel as though a gourmet buffet is in order, I see her point.

Back to the pictures, the above doc and I have something in store for the main perpetrator of my chicken neck head shots. We FINALLY convinced her to neuter her dog- "Do you want him to have a big butthole and anal tumors?"- and she insisted on staying with him through the entire process. "Why don't you go mix up your formaldehyde?" I say. She wanted to take his nuts home in a jar- if you don't know we're sick by now you're not paying attention- so she left to prepare the vessel. While she was gone we took pictures of his skin chandeliers- outside of the pouch of course- for our planned retaliation. We're going to make a MISSING flyer with a big picture of his nuts, with a little poem under it . It starts out " I just woke up, and to my surprise, there are no balls between my thighs." And then another line is "Since I have no nads to lick, I'll guess I'll settle for my d**k." You get the idea. The reward will be one hump for any information leading to their whereabouts and two humps if they're safely returned. I can't wait!!! heehee. I suppose a picture of them would be going too far. I mean you have to draw the line somewhere. After all, there's a difference between a little disgusting and downright disturbing. Screw it.

The image below may not be appropriate for all audiences. Viewer discretion is advised.

REVENGE!