A Picture's Worth a Thousand Sperm

I hate having my picture taken, 99,999 times out 100,000 I look nappy and haggard. We have several digital cameras at work, supposedly to take pictures of our patients so we can put them in their medical record in the computer. While this is a rare occurrence, we do put our cameras to use in other ways. We like to take pictures of disgusting things of course- a uterus filled with infection, a huge blistered spleen, a monstrous tumor that looks like a brain- you get the idea. We'll also make an exception and take the patient's picture if that particular patient happens to be especially ugly or deformed in some manner. We also like to take pictures of each other, only attained when the person has no idea it's coming and it's too late to look away or run in the other direction. My evil glare and wispy hair were made a screen saver on every computer in the clinic at one point. They also made a mock brochure with me in it one time. "Hey Jen, what do you think about the new clinic brochure?" I look it over and....ha ha ha. I looked like I pull the whiskers off kittens and eat puppy tails with chip dip.

The most recent modeling gig took place last week. I saw her in time to avoid it, but I decided to use all of my energy and anger to toss a look so powerful in her direction, she would be struck down and maimed by it. The next day, around every corner, on every door, in every drawer and cupboard, I found this:

I'm saying "Who wouldn't want me to touch their animal...I love my job."

I can't decide if I look more like an 80 year old woman with no teeth, or the skinny guy from Road Trip. Someone told me I look like him once, and I never thought so until now.....so THANKS!

And yes, it is Technician Appreciation Week, something none of us would've been aware of if not for a doc I work with that's always reading vet magazines. She had the idea of a pot luck lunch to celebrate and recognize our hard work. While I appreciate the sentiment, we all have to sign up to bring something. I was like "Uh, since it's supposed to be in appreciation of us should we really be slaving over a hot stove? We should have it catered." She responded with "good luck with that." or "yeah right." While I still feel as though a gourmet buffet is in order, I see her point.

Back to the pictures, the above doc and I have something in store for the main perpetrator of my chicken neck head shots. We FINALLY convinced her to neuter her dog- "Do you want him to have a big butthole and anal tumors?"- and she insisted on staying with him through the entire process. "Why don't you go mix up your formaldehyde?" I say. She wanted to take his nuts home in a jar- if you don't know we're sick by now you're not paying attention- so she left to prepare the vessel. While she was gone we took pictures of his skin chandeliers- outside of the pouch of course- for our planned retaliation. We're going to make a MISSING flyer with a big picture of his nuts, with a little poem under it . It starts out " I just woke up, and to my surprise, there are no balls between my thighs." And then another line is "Since I have no nads to lick, I'll guess I'll settle for my d**k." You get the idea. The reward will be one hump for any information leading to their whereabouts and two humps if they're safely returned. I can't wait!!! heehee. I suppose a picture of them would be going too far. I mean you have to draw the line somewhere. After all, there's a difference between a little disgusting and downright disturbing. Screw it.

The image below may not be appropriate for all audiences. Viewer discretion is advised.

REVENGE!