FUNDIES

I think that must be the bug spray, she probably has the biggest problem with insect swarms in the vicinity of her funky floss...

Casseroles & Asserholes

We had our Christmas pot luck lunch at work the other day, I brought this cheesy potato dish. It has a STICK AND A HALF of butter in it. It's nutritious and delicious. I had no choice but to bring it over to the witchy weeble wobble's apartment to have it warmed up. It was either that or everyone would have to warm up their servings individually in the microwave. So I take a deep breath, square my shoulders, and trudge next door. And what to my wondering eyes should appear, but two very large men and their bellies of beer. Inside I was retching. "Hi" I say. This guy with her abdominable boyfriend was actually more disgusting than him, I didn't think that was possible. He was fatter, which makes him a candidate for his own reality show on Discovery Health. He was also one of those people who's really fair skinned with hair so red it's orange. "Whatcha got?" They're bursting out of the sides of their warping plastic lawn chairs, craning their necks (what's left of them) to try to peek at my parcel. It's not like they would actually put forth the effort to get up, they would've brought their seats with them anyway. "It's a potato dish- with cheese, sour cream, butter- you know." "Like an Au Gratin." "Sort of. I guess." I knock and Humpty opens up to take my dish, and I hightail it out of there. Again, I didn't eat any of the spooge surprise she brought to the shindig. It was some kind of noodle thing with sauce on it. The possibilities for what could've been lurking in its depths are endless.
We chipped in and got the docs gift certificates for 60 minute massages at a nearby salon. I think they really liked them, my boss said he's never had one, and he could definitely benefit from it. It was funny because the the gift cards came in hot pink bags, I apologized to him explaining that was all they had, and we knew he was manly enough to handle it. Anyway, limp lungs from next door didn't contribute, she said she'd give me her share after payday, BUT she had gifts for them from only her, these nasty salami log and cheese chunk baskets. Whatever Repulsel!
Ohhhh, when I was at her apartment trying not to run away screaming, I saw something I will try to get a picture of tomorrow. You see, she hangs out her laundry to dry (sometimes for days- it may be laziness, or it's quite possible it takes their stuff that long to dry), and I spotted some sumo slingshots hanging close to the front door. TH-TH-THONG-THONG!

The Picture Bandit

Tatum isn't allowed to use the camera without permission and close supervision. I guess I'll have to start hiding it.

Speaking of Girl Goatees...

One time I was at work typing away, and my co-worker, a flamboyant male friend, was sitting at the station next to mine babbling away at my profile. He stopped mid-thought, said "What the?!", reached under my chin and yanked out a sapling by its roots. It seems like every woman I know suddenly started sprouting face fuzz at some point in their lives. Why didn't they warn us about this one? I'm definitely going to give my girls a heads up so they don't think they're turning into a werewolf or chubaka or something.

Don't You Just Love it When....

...you discover you missed the same hair the last 5 or 6 times you shaved? It had to be at least that many, this one was about ready to double as a jump rope. Okay and that's a sock, not my underwear, get your mind out of the gutter. Can you believe I almost ran for the razor instead of the camera? Luckily I came to my senses in time.

Why bother?

I guess people started their New Year's resolutions early, because the gym was jam-packed when I went today. It really irritates the shizzle out of me. I got stuck with an old, creaky, shaky treadmill, with the short, narrow belt that makes you almost step on the hard plastic. Why?! Because the good machines were full, primarily with pasty, paunchy plodders. WHY can't they get on the CRAP treadmill that's obviously better suited to their turtle shuffle? I mean, if you're not going to sweat, why bother? I'm not knocking chubby people trying to get in shape, I used to be one. But the idea is to INCREASE your heart rate.
Oh, and I saw the worst example of self-lust I've ever seen. You know what I'm talking about, the guys who give themselves long side glances in the mirror while subtly (THEY think) posing and flexing. This dude was walking towards the window- you can see yourself in them at night- smiling and striding towards it with real purpose- I honestly thought someone he knew was on the other side- then he stops just short of the glass and starts studying his features. What a douche. I wouldn't have been surprised if he started making out with his reflection. Get a room with yourself wanker.

The Christmas Questions

Wrapping paper or gift bags? Wrapping paper for Christmas, but I definitely use gift bags for everything else because I'm leeeaaazzzy. And to top it off I stink at arranging that tissue paper on top.
Real tree or artificial? Real. We like to go pick it out at the Christmas tree farm and watch them hack it down. YeeHaw!
When do you put up your tree? Hopefully we are heading out to get it this afternoon.
Do you like eggnog? Not especially.
Favorite gift you received as a child? I used to complain that my stocking was smaller than my siblings, then one morning I came downstairs to discover one almost as big as me.
Hardest person to buy for? My brother in laws
Easiest person to buy for? My kids
Do you have a nativity scene? No.
Mail or e-mail Christmas cards? I'm not organized enough to accomplish either.
Worst Christmas gift ever received? I'm with Hippie on this one, I plead the fifth.
Favorite Christmas movie? It's a toss up between It's a Wonderful Life and A Christmas Story. I love both of those for different reasons.
When do you start shopping for Christmas? I haven't gone yet.
Have you ever recycled a Christmas present? No, but I have recycled birthday presents.
Best Christmas traditions? We usually work on a 1-2 thousand piece puzzle
Lights on a tree? Twinkly multi-colored ones
Favorite Christmas song? I like to torture my kids with Santa Claus is Coming to Town. "Oh, you better watch out!!!"
Travel or stay home? We stay here, and mom & dad head our way.
Can you name Santa's reindeer? Grumpy, sneezy, bashful...oh, wait- what Hippie said.
Angel or Star? We have a star.
Open presents Christmas Eve or Christmas morning? We open all of our presents from each other Christmas Eve and do stockings in the morning
Most annoying thing this time of year? Really, I think it goes on too long and too strong
Favorite Ornament theme or color? We've got it all
Favorite Christmas dinner? The usual
Favorite Christmas breakfast? Christmas dinner
What do you want this year? A podometer. Some new bras. But mostly my big happy family.