DRAMA AT THE Y

I'm trucking along on my treadmill today, my Ipod blaring in my ears. I see the girl next to me frequently, she's one of the few others of my make and model that actually exercises at the gym. I glance in her direction at one point, and she's off of her treadmill, looking concerned, and I see that she is saying "help". I can't actually HEAR her, you see. I look at her, look at her treadmill, "What's wrong?" I wonder. She certainly looks fine to me. I get off of my treadmill, turn off my music, and follow her eyes to the floor in front of my machine. There's an old guy LAID OUT on the floor with one leg still hooked in the weight machine he was sitting on. HOLY WHAT THE ???!! It was right in front of me, but I couldn't see him when I was running because the panel completely blocked my view.
By that time, several people are gathered around him, asking questions. He seems lucid, says he "just got dizzy" but "he's fine". They put a towel under his head, they have to call the paramedics even though he doesn't want them to. I see he's covered in sweat and there's no bottled water in sight- not good- so I give the Y worker an unopened one of mine to give him- woopiddydoo right? It's a good thing there were a lot of other people around, because this hero probably would've stared dumbstruck and drooling for a few good minutes before making a move. If Hippie had been there, she probably would've been straddling him in a matter of seconds, taking pulse and respirations and shining the pen light she keeps with her (just in case) in his eyes. I'm much better with animals.
It didn't feel like the right thing to do to start running again right in front of the commotion, so I moved down several spaces. Then the lights went out (standard southern storm weather), and I almost knocked my teeth out. I figured maybe someone was trying to tell me to leave at that point, so I did.
I really prefer to run outside, but the weather has been ATROCIOUS. Also, I can't exactly tie Reese to the zipline and head out. This weather is the perfect temperature for it too, but the evening runs can be a little tricky this time of year, due to the return of the insect population. I get blinded by and/or ingest a gnat with every step I take. My favorite is the swarms, it's like a regular bug buffet.
Come to think of it, I've been wondering what's up with all the pepper in my daily deposit. I never use it...

What Came First?

The chicken, or the impulsive, pain in the ass husband? I had just gotten home from work Saturday, and no one's here, so I call Aaron's cell. "Where you be's at?" "I'm about to pull into the driveway. Come outside, we have a surprise for you." (I like how he said "we", as if the girls are partly responsible) "It better be plants." (we're starting a garden). "It sort of is. Just come outside." "IT BETTER BE PLANTS." Click.
So I go out, they pull up, and they emerge from the truck with a cardboard carrier. I hear little peeping noises, but what really gives it away are the pictures of CHICKENS on the side of the box. Okay, so I was ready to be irritated by whatever critter Aaron brought home. But even though I wouldn't have liked it, I would've accepted just about ANYTHING else- rabbit, hamster, rat, guinea pig, even a damn puppy. BUT FILTHY CHICKENS?! They are second only to monkeys in germs and nastiness in my opinion. Birds in general are not pet material as far as I'm concerned. Fly around in the sky, land in one of my trees, or live in a CHICKEN COOP on a FARM, but don't expect ME to tend to your disease ridden needs!!!
I DISTINCTLY remember Aaron and I discussing how we'd like to have more land one day, and what animals we would keep on that land, and I'm ABSOLUTELY POSITIVE I said just about anything except CHICKENS!!!
Okay, I'm done ranting. Turns out he's either going to build a coop at work, or give them to a friend of my sister's in a few weeks, who has the PROPER facilities for them. Until then, he is solely responsible for their care. He left today and was like, "Can you check their water later? They might run out. " "Uh, yeah, I'm right on top of that."
The only upside is that the girls love them (of course). They've named them all. Pretty typical names until you get to "Fatburst"- "because she's fat" Reese says. And of course we're constantly washing hands because they're always wanting to touch the little puffs of putrescence. BLLALLSGH.
I have threatened (not in front of the girls of course) to feed them to Indy. "If she can pass a sock, she can pass a chick."

Tatum tried to catch a Frisbee with her face Friday night and she was not successful. Poor kid, she looked like the loser in a boxing match. A few hours after it happened, I tried to get her to let me take a picture, but she wouldn't have anything to do with it. Still traumatized I guess. "It's your first shiner Tatum! In a week you'll wish you had one!" I know, I'm horrible. I had to settle for a pic the next day, which I THOUGHT would be just as awesome, I figured her eye would be bursting with color. But it wasn't. It was a real disappointment, but I'm including it anyway.....

You should've seen it Friday night. Marshmallows for eyelids!

And here is a picture of Indy, who didn't want to be left out of the Ewok Erotica series. Not to be outdone, she went for the kinkiest position in the book.....

YO MAMA

Watched the Changeling last night- excellent.
Watched the new Punisher- pretty good, but still like the Tom Jane version better. Bow chicka wow.
We were talking about Yo Mama jokes today. My favorite has always been "Yo mama so fat, she has to wear a VCR as a beeper." It's so outdated now, people don't use VCRs or beepers. Now it would have to be "a DVD player as a cell phone." or "a Blu-Ray as a Blackberry."....

PU

I was running through this neighborhood I always go through, it makes a big loop. Usually I smell things like grass, flowers, fabric softener, burning leaves, etc. Today it started with a hint of ass, followed by a crotch breeze, then a waft of infection, and finally a big blast of death. BLLARLG. I wonder where it was coming from. Probably the weird little house with two bright yellow unmarked buick looking vehicles in front of it. The other day when I was running by, all four doors were open on both cars, and the dude was sitting in a chair facing the inside of the back seat, fiddle dee deeing around. I bet he was putting dismembered body parts inside the door panels....

That reminds of when I was a teen- a long, long time ago- and a smoker, and we were all cruising around in a friend's car. It was an old police car, a real hoopty. I dropped my cigarette in what should've been the ashtray on my door, only there was nothing there. It fell down to the bottom of the door panel, and soon smoke started billowing. We had to pull over at a car wash so he could spray the inside of the door. HAHAHAHAHA....he didn't think it was so funny though.

When the warmer weather arrives, I'm so caught up in the pros, I forget one very big con- YARD WORK. But really, the weeds are blooming right now, and it's like having our own meadow...

A closer look....

I ask you, who would want to destroy such beauty?

The girls are sitting in our wheelbarrow listening to Tatum's Ipod. I'm thinking about getting in with mine next.

Another Day, Another Dollar

It's been an exciting week in the veterinary entertainment industry. Here are some highlights:

I was in a room with my boss for a euthanasia- always the worst appointment possible. We had given the dog it's first injection, and there's a "Whirrr..click..flash." The mother of the adult owner had taken a picture of the three of us with the dying dog. I mean, give me a break! Is that how you want to remember your pet?! And now I'm going to be in the family photo album of these weirdos??!! Smile! Say "Worm Chow!"

We had this horrible lady bring in her 2 year old chihuahua after it had been attacked by a larger dog. It had a huge hernia with intestine poking out. It had never been to a vet before because "He's always been healthy." I love that one. Her kids are with her, she's crying, and they're blaming her for letting the dog out. The daughter (11 at the most) calls the father about the estimate, asks for time for them to talk alone, basically runs the show. In the end the mother makes the KIDS choose whether the dog lives or dies. "You have to ask yourselves- do you really love him that much?" The boy is about 8. I have a feeling if they were 3 and 6 she'd probably still be consulting them and making them responsible. Not that they're even close to old enough to be involved as is. Those children should be taken away from her. They ultimately put the dog to sleep.

We took a chunk of blanket fuzz out of a 4 lb dog's intestines tonight. It smelled like @##*$#$)_@!!!!!!! He should be fine though.

Now for good things...

There were two hot owners in today!!! That is unheard of in a vet office. We're lucky to score two in one year!!!

One of my favorite co-workers is knocked up. The funny thing is, I was teasing her about having a bun in the oven for a few weeks before she found out she actually had one cookin'. Torturing her really. A good friend of mine once told me cramping and irritabilty are signs of early pregancy as well as PMS, and I passed this on to..we'll call her Carmen. She told me that like 2 weeks ago. We're on the same cycle (those that chill together spill together) and I was like "Uh, we don't start for over 2 weeks from now. You're probably pregnant." And the day before she found out she was pregnant, she ate lunch and was like, " I ate too much, I'm bloated." I was like "That's not food, that's the 3 week old fetus in your gut." HA! Congratulations, Carmen!!!!

I saved the best for last. The new kennel guy- you know, soldier boy- announced that he had already spent his whole check. When no one took the bait, he said "I spent it all on STUDIO TIME." Oh yeeahhh bboooyyy!!! He wants to be a rapper! Move over Eminem! Make room for Enema! Droop Groggy Sog. The Notorious D.I.C. There's a lot more where those came from. "Gee whiz" I say. "I wish I could spend all my money on studio time. All mine goes to BILLS and FOOD."

Shizzle, I almost forgot! I went to pick up lunch for a few of us today, and who should be there but my sister's whore neighbor. "Look who it is (insert her kid's name here)!" she says a little too brightly. "Heeyy...." I weakly lift the corners of my mouth. She starts talking to someone else and I get my food and haul ass without saying bye. That'll show her.

My husband obviously woke up on the wrong side of the cave the other day. He was griping and grumping until he left, his final complaint about my grocery shopping skills. "I've asked you like 3 times to get me oatmeal to take to work, and you still haven't done it!" "I'm sorry I'm so inadequate honey, I'll try to do better", I reply. For some reason he leaves in a huff. Is it something I said?
To prove to him I'm willing to make that extra effort, I arrange this on the counter for him to find when he arrives home....

"Ha Ha. Very funny." he says. I can tell by the gleam in his eye, he really thinks it is.

Okay, so, I'm home with Reese Monday, and I'm about to take a quick shower. "Don't answer the phone or the door." I tell her, and I lock the front door as added precaution. So I'm out and in my towel, and I hear Reese yell, "Someone's at the door!" I walk into the living room, and sure enough I hear banging, coming from the door INSIDE my garage that leads into my house. It's just about time for Tatum to be getting off the bus, they drop her off right in front of the house. Sometimes she'll knock just playing around, or just decide it's locked if she turns the knob once or twice and it doesn't open easily. "It's probably Tatum", I say, "go ahead and get it." Then I hear a man's voice say "Is your mommy or daddy home?" I yell "I am, but I'm not available at this time, you'll have to come back later!!!!" "Okay, sorry to have bothered you."

Now I'm sure this was some kind of sales smuck or what have you, probably peddling some high tech vacuum that'll suck the life out of my house. Now correct me if I'm wrong, but isn't walking through someone's garage, whether the door is open or not, a little bit of trespassing? I mean, why didn't he go to the front door? To me, It's almost like walking through someone's living room to knock on the bathroom door. But maybe that's just me.

Nauseating Neighbors

My sister has an awful neighbor. I call her Samantha James. Those of you that have seen Just Friends will have a good idea of what she's like, but for those of you haven't, let me tell ya. She is nosy, annoying, and falsely perky. She knows the when, what, who, and how of their whole street. When my sister says something like, "Yeah, Lilly was sick so I stayed home Friday." , she'll be like "Oh, I was wondering what your car was doing there at precisely 2:16, with the garage door open and two lights on- one in the bathroom and one in the room on the left corner. Is that your bedroom? What the name of the wall color? I just love it!"
She's gossips about everyone else to my sister, so you know she's talking smack about my sister to them. She has three kids, one close to Tatum's age, so as we pull up over there she's like, "Oh look, Tatum's here, why don't you head over there so they can be responsible for you the entire rest of the day!" She'll show up like 6 hours later, "Is it okay that she plays over here?" Also, her 10 year old son will wander over which is totally inappropriate because there is no one there for him to hang out with, except the adults, who he'll follow around and irritate with tardo questions and comments all afternoon.
This weekend, the men and kids camped out in my sister's backyard, and I guess my brother-in-law saw her out front and invited her to see the set up. Too nice. Big mistake. Her kids came with her of course, and she must've said like 5 times, "You know that I'll never be able to get them out of here now!" I was just about to offer to help her drag them home, when my sister says "Well, dinner's almost ready and there's plenty for everyone." Too nice AGAIN. ANOTHER big mistake. So we make her kids' plates along with ours (she never does anything with or for her kids when she's over), then my sister I spend 30 minutes listening to her enthralling gall bladder tale, starting with the first pain, including fascinating details of her hospital stay, and ending with how she felt right at that moment. "I guess they thought it was the painkillers talking, but I told them they might as well just keep me here and take it out, because my mother had the same problem, YADDA BLAH BLAH DIARRHEA SPEW SPEW...." WHO CARES?!!?! I'm actually pretty proud of myself for allowing my eyes to glaze over and smiling and nodding, instead of saying, "You know what, I have no interest in you or your absent organ. So why don't you take your bratty brood and head back to own space, because I'm tired of sharing mine with someone I don't like. At all."
There's also another lady that lives a couple houses down that gets on my nerves. She is friends with Samantha and Treasurer of the PTA, I had to listen to her yak at a meeting once which sealed the deal on my distaste for her. I call her Hunchback because she looks like him. Hunchie for short. It could be worse. They could be my neighbors.
Speaking of my neighbors, I live in a nice suburb, but on the outskirts of the neighborhood, only a few blocks away, we have what I call the Trailer Trail. I have nothing against people living in trailers, as a matter of fact many are quite nice, but not these. They are dilapidated with mildew and rotting roofs. There is one that is particularly disgusting. It's actually more like a shack that someone built behind a trailer, and there's a shed behind it. The guy that lives there apparently has a knack for murdering and disemboweling the native wildlife. He likes to peel the outer layer from their limp carcasses and tack them to the shed. Only according to Aaron, he does not "cure" their pelts properly, so they continue to rot in the sun while on display. It leaves an attractive snail trail of slime and sludge down the side of the building, potent enough to eat off the paint....

A closer look......

There is actually no pelt on this particular spot anymore, although it appears it's still there. Only the toxic stain remains. There is a little one hanging to the left there though, just starting to decompose.....

I made sure my camera was already set for aim and distance before I got here, so only the briefest pause would be required. I took one on the way out, the other on my way back in. You see, this guy is FREAKING FRIGHTENING. I've seen him a few times, and he is super sinister, you can tell even from a distance. He is wiry, and greasy, and never has on a shirt. He has the kind of muscle definition you would expect to see on someone who gets their exercise climbing trees to spot prey, then leaps from the branch and sprints on all fours to take them down at their jugular. I didn't want him to spot me and my license plate. I prefer to be my own human suit, not part of someone else's.