Pick On Someone Your Own Size

I'm not the world's greatest mother, nor do I claim to be. There are times I rely on the TV a little too much, I slack on the housework, I let my kids say mommy 20 times sometimes before I'm like "WHAT???!?!" But I can't stand people who do not take the responsibilty of being a parent at all seriously, who do not realize what a wonderful precious gift they are, and how important it is to put forth your best effort at least MOST of the time. They are innocent and defenseless, relying on the adults in their lives to provide the love and sustenance they need to grow into people who are healthy physically, mentally, and emotionally. We're all going to make mistakes, but to knowingly do things or not do things that could damage their kids permanently makes me VERY ANGRY. SMOKING and/or DRINKING while pregnant?! If you're too selfish to put the baby before yourself when it hasn't even been born yet, motherhood's obviously not for you. And the best thing about people like this is that they are so ignorant and uncaring, that they do this OVER and OVER again, so we have all these kids in this country that are pretty much screwed from the start. The person or people who are supposed to be the most involved in their lives and have their best interest at heart- who should be kissing their boos boos, reading them stories, making them eat their vegetables, and telling them they love them at least 20 times a day- are completely apathetic when it comes to raising that impressionable little package that THEY brought into this world. I wish I had an idea for a solution to this problem, but I'm at a loss. You can't force losers to quit breeding. You could chew their ass out (which I've been tempted to do lately), but it wouldn't make a difference. You can't MAKE someone get a clue, they either have one or they don't. This has been bothering me a lot lately because I'm witness to it EVERYDAY right now, so you'll have to excuse the tirade. But I know everyone reading this feels the same way I do. OFF WITH THEIR REPRODUCTIVE ORGANS!

Happymerry Hallowgivingeastmas!

I know it's hard to believe, but we're not very motivated or creative when it comes to outdoor holiday decorations. So when I arrived home one night a few weeks ago to find our most high tech Halloween accessories carefully and artfully arranged in the front yard, I was very excited.

The Jack O Lanterns are wrapped around the front of a group of trees in a semi-circle, and the bats are strung up between them. They all light up. My husband put a lot of time and effort into this display. SO I was thinking....Jack O Lanterns are in fact pumpkins, and people eat pumpkin pie, pumpkin cake, pumpkin rolls, etc, on Thanksgiving and Christmas. And there are bats living around the country everywhere all year long. And those witch hats on the Jack O Lanterns could easily be mistaken for pilgrim hats. And if someone were to put little Santa Hats over those the day after Thanksgiving, why, they'd be all ready for the arrival of jolly ole Saint Nick! And let's just say I got some candy canes and used packing tape to adhere them to the bat wings. Ready to swoop down with a yummy delivery for all the good little boys and girls! For Easter, I'm picturing flying rabbits and jack o lantern eggs painted in pastels.......

Dude Looks Like A Lady

So another Halloween has come and gone, and the kids were very cute (except for the inevitable end of the night "I've had too much candy and excitement" meltdown). In the tradition of true Halloweeners, we froze our unmentionables off trekking through the neighborhood for over 2 hours. My hands were so numb I could barely unwrap my candy (but somehow I managed). I don't mind the hayrides and such, but seriously, the parents who literally drive their fat, lazy kids from house to house while endangering the lives of die hard trick or treaters really hack me off. I want to wrench off their sideviews and stick tacks under their tires. ANYWAY, Reese was a kitty....

Tatum was a freaking cheerleader (what else)......

But the real belle of the ball, the show stealer, the winner for the scariest and hairiest costume was my beloved.....

He came up with the idea of going as the bearded lady, which I readily agreed with. He tried to sidestep to schoolgirl, which I explained was entirely too creepy for someone who already looks like a predator. So I'm in Wal-Mart looking for a cheap, ugly old lady dress, and I'm having no luck. I guess even well-insulated women prefer pants in the winter. Then I spot the sleepwear-hmmmm.....After I located the perfect nightgown, the slipper and hair roller ideas quickly followed- big ones in the hair, little ones in the beard. Then my brother-in-law and my husband decided he needed droopy hooters. They put apples in the bottom of tube socks and tied them behind his neck. The neighborhood loved it. He received more wolf whistles and "hey sexy"s in that one night than most women get in their entire lives. He also had many date and phone number requests, to which he'd coyly reply " You have to pay for this kind of action." "How much?" they wanted to know. He repeatedly showed his captive audiences where his breasts go when he's on his back, and one man even put his arm around him and told everyone to tell his wife he found someone new. I'm only one of many people who took his picture, so you may find him on other areas of the Internet......
And look at that shine and volume after the curlers came out! Honestly, it makes me sick, he looks like a Pantene commercial and my hair's all scraggly and sucked dry. It's so unfair.

A Prince in Bigfoot's Clothing

My boisterous, burly husband surprised me with a gift today. When I went in to take a shower I found it wrapped with a card and everything, sitting on the toilet. I guess he figured I wouldn't miss it that way. And the card was FILLED with sweet and funny commentary- thanking me for all I do, apologizing for being a pain in the ass- the standard stuff. ANYWAY, it's a digital camera!!!! He saved up and bought me one. I can't tell you how many times I wanted to take a picture (often for this very blog), and didn't have the means. Sometimes you just CAN'T blog something without a picture to go with it. So thank you Meaty Bones! You're the bees knees!

Hooray For Tooth Decay

I know it's been awhile since you've heard anything about my favorite co-worker, Rotunda- Evil Queen of Doom And Destitution. Well here's a charming tale. Once upon a time, in a land not so far away, there lived an Evil Queen named Rotunda, and her faithful sidekick King Frontbutt III. King Frontbutt spent his days eating the finest cheeses and meats from vats made of solid gold, followed by dessert fit for royalty- Little Debbies and candy corns. One day, as he was chewing an especially tasty wad of steak fat, a shooting pain traveled from his tooth to his greasy scalp! He summoned the Queen, who determined upon closer inspection that his tooth was rotten and in need of immediate removal. She made haste to the vet clinic next door, where she borrowed the DENTAL INSTRUMENTS WE USE ON DOGS to extract the offending molar. After that they were able to eat, smoke, and stink to high heaven as they've always done, in their Crusty Castle on the hill. They lived heftily ever after. THE END
It's not like she ASKED if she could use them, it was all done on the sly. NOT that I'm concerned about pet germs in his mouth, I'm more concerned about HIS germs in pets' mouths. We sterilized them all of course. One person caught her in the act and she spilled her story, and inevitably we all knew by the end of the day. REALLY, it's vomitous. I mean, brush your teeth on occasion. I know it's hard to believe, but that buttery fuzz on them is not the enamel.
We had that pot luck lunch I mentioned in an earlier blog today, and she had signed up for cake. She was the only one signed up for dessert when I left Friday, so I brought regular food AND a dessert, because there was no way I was ingesting something that came out of that roach motel. Anyway, we were all discussing this towards the end of the day and I was like, "I decided to eat a piece." And they were like, "No you didn't." And I said, "Yeah I did, and his tooth was in it."

Fun With Fake People

This bronze bimbo was at the entrance of a park we went to recently, and I couldn't resist. My two most (let's face it ONLY) commenting compadres will remember the Houston photo shoot featuring us posing playfully with a bunch of similar stiffs.


I'm proud to say my little Future Mocker of America insisted on having her picture taken too.This kid is loaded with potential. As a parent, I want her to achieve above and beyond what I have, and I'm confident she is well on her way....

THE SOUP

Watch it. Love it. Laugh until you cry. I know I do.

Joel McHale is my hero.

Well, him AND my parents......

.......for different reasons, of course.