An Eye For A Turd

"JENNIFER! COME HERE AND SEE WHAT YOUR DOG DID!!" Aaron yells from the other end of the house. I roll my eyes and sigh. My foster dog, Viola, is constant fuel for his GIANT fire of complaints. "She pooped in your room!" Tatum shouts excitedly as she comes running down the hallway. "What?!" I say. She hasn't pinched a loaf inside since the first day I brought her home (over two months ago). Annoyed and resigned, I gather all of my carpet cleaning equipment and trudge to my room. There, gleaming in the glow of the overhead light, is a greenish colored, soft looking slimer. I drop to my knees a foot a way, and reach forward with a wad of paper towel to snatch it up. "Well, it's firmer than it looks." I try to look on the bright side. Wait a minute. It's REALLY firm. I pick it up in one piece, and turn it over to reveal a flat base and writing on the bottom. "Aaron, you are SUCH an asshole!!" He can barely hear me, he is overcome with glee and giggling uncontrollably. He even sprinkled water over it to make it look more realistic. Isn't HE the clever one? This is war.
So we had a puppy in last week that had it's head squashed like a grape by the bigger dog in the household. It had several bones broken in the right side of its face. We had to keep it a few days before we could sedate it to check it's jaw, giving the inflammation and drainage time to improve. As long as the jaw looked okay (in other words, as long it wouldn't have been kinder to euthanize it because it's mouth would never work right again), we were going to perform a procedure he needed while he was already asleep. You see, when the dog squeezed its head like a pimple, one of his eyeballs popped out. Eeewww, hahahaha! I told Aaron this story the same way, leaving the best part for last. It REALLY grossed him out. Thankfully, we found that the puppy's jaw was functional, and his facial bone breaks should heal with time. So the doc lopped his orb off. At this point, it looks like a dry, shriveled black olive with a piece of raw pork stuck to it. I put it in a ziploc ,then in the fridge, so it wouldn't rot anymore. Then I brought it home and put it in the back of the freezer, hidden behind those frozen goods that collect freezer burn for months before anyone pitches them. When I got up the next morning, I carefully removed it from behind it's protective bag of tortellinis, and put it in the bottom of a flowered gift bag. I put a plastic Walmart on top of that, then completed the package with a card that said: Aaron (with a heart next to it)- You are the apple of my eye (drawn picture of an eye). Love, Jenny. I hung it on the door that leads from the garage to the house, then I called him after I got to work and told him that I thought I MIGHT have left some lights on in the house, including the garage light, in my rush to get to work on time that morning. You see, he had spent the better part of the morning bitching about how he always comes home to lights that have been left on aaallll daayy, so I figured that little white lie would get him to stop at the house. Moowahahahaha! I know it probably practically made him barf, I wish I could've seen him open it! I also know he was NOT expecting anything like that at all, it had been enough time since the trick turd and since I told him about the puppy, he probably thought I actually got him a PRESENT. hehehehe.
Of course, this prank almost had all of the joy sucked out of it by an incident involving one of Aaron's mother cluckers that same day. I just want to say there is no concrete evidence that links Viola to this fowl crime.
Speaking of pranks, Clappy Cathy (her current nickname- referring to the venereal disease, not applause) and I were getting ready to take a couple of our rescue dogs out to the yard to run around. We often do this during our lunch break. The day was particularly cold, so I asked Biz (short for Bizznitch) to borrow her jacket, mine was kinda thin. She said I could. After I pulled the sleeves up to my elbows and make some short arm/person jokes (we constantly harrass her about her height- because we love her), Clappy Cathy and I headed out with two of our pooches. As we watched them tear around and tried to avoid having our legs taken out from under us, I decided to explore Biz's jacket pockets. "Yeecchh!!" I squealed after realizing I was fondling an old snot rag. Because I blamed Biz for the crusty booger germs on the tips of my fingers, Clappy Cathy and I proceeded to fill her pockets with leaves and sticks in a petty form of revenge. Chuckling as we worked, we started talking about pranks in general. I told her how we used to lube each other's car door handles at the clinic I worked at in Texas. It's EXTREMELY funny to watch the person try to open their door, ESPECIALLY if they're in a hurry. One girl I used to work with almost fell over backward because she tried to yank it open so fast. After a brief discussion, we decided the Doc was a perfect candidate for the Slip N' Flip . She was going to be leaving for the day shortly, and her vehicle was in a position where we could observe the action without being spotted by our prey. We ran inside, grabbed a bottle of lube, hauled butt out of the back gate, and smeared a huge blob under her driver door handle. "You can see some it it!" says Clappy. "She won't notice it. Trust me."
We rush back in. Then we wait. When the doc FINALLY says her goodbyes and heads out one door, we truck it over to another back exit on the building. "What's wrong?!" my Boss shouts after us. We hide on the side of the building (there are 4 of us) until she goes out the back gate. Then stealthily, almost cat-like, we craaawwwll onto the picnic table in the backyard and straighten up slowly until we can see over the fence. She reaches for the handle. "SNAP!!" She cocks her head and looks at it, perplexed. We erupt into insane cackles. She's amused, but I could already see the wheels turning. I don't doubt she is carefully plotting her retaliation. When I least expect it, EXPECT it...