So as I was running one morning last week, I leapt over something particularly vile. Actually, I missed stomping on it by like 2 inches. When I realized what I had almost squished down on, my knees turned to rubber (no pun intended), and I imagined myself spewing chunks all over the asphalt. It was only imagined because, well, let's face it, nothing makes me sick. I have a high tolerance and almost child like fascination for all things repulsive. But with the hopes that I might make a reader or two gag, maybe even make their eyes water a little, I took a photo of the offensive item to share (I'm thoughtful like that)-
And as you can plainly see by the knot in this blow bag, our perpetrator was also thoughtful. He made sure that the toxic goo from his amateur, awkward, and dissatisfying (for her anyway) bumping uglies experience didn't ooze it's way out to infect the pavement. If it had, I picture evil little dwarf like critters forming from the bubbling slime, making noises that sound something like "Grackackllplllgribbergrrr!!!". Actually, he probably just wanted to make sure his white trash producing sludge didn't spray back in his face when he sling-shotted it out of the window of his 4X4.
This is the first time I'd come across a used condom in my travels, and crazily enough, I ran by ANOTHER one heading (no pun intended) in the opposite direction later in the week. I couldn't find that one again when I went to snap a pic of it though. And as you can see, by its gray appearance, and...is that rust?....that the one above was there awhile before I got around to immortalizing it. I'm sure all of the mini-Cletuses encapsulated in it had gone to the giant sperm bank in the sky by then.
Hey, at least the oversexed little ingrates wore protection, am I right? I mean, it could've been worse...
Have I mentioned that we are going to relocate to a desolate area in the mountains when Tatum is 11, only accessible by helicopter?
3 comments:
Good thing you dodged that land mine.
Eeew. You can tell I'm a children's library by the fact that my first thought on reading your post was: I wonder if the lady who locked Rapunzel up was actually just her mom. "Like, I can't come down, Cletus. My mom totally locked me up here. I know, right? That witch!"
I wonder if the rust is not due to the age of the condom, but is indicative of the type of ladies Cletus is drawn to. Or the type he is forced to resort to. In other words, the only girl he can get has been denied so long she's grown rust on her lady parts.
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