Thirty Five

BAH. So I guess this means I'm going to continue to get older and uglier until I eventually croak it. I just hope I stay spry and sharp right up to the end. I don't see why I wouldn't- active , independent seniors run in my family. Also on the positive side, I take decent care of myself AND I don't ACT my age, both things I believe will increase my longevity.
Moving on...I went to Florida for a work conference a couple weeks ago! It was fantastic! I learned a lot of useful things as pertaining to my job, I went to Medieval Times, I went to Sea World, AND I got to see Foreigner live!! I wouldn't say they're a favorite or anything, but I do like several of their songs, and they are rock legends after all. For those of you who check my blog more than you do Facebook, here's the best picture I took while in Orlando- The Lead Singer of Foreigner's Mangina!


Seriously, he either tucked it back so his super tight pants wouldn't damage the goods, or he's packing a vienna sausage.
I also took a picture of this guy....

...because he has a thick, full moustache. Aaron can't grow one (beyond what looks like dirt on his upper lip), and I like to torture him with that fact whenever the opportunity arises. There was actually an even better one at Medieval Times but it kept coming out too dark. The lighting in there I guess...
So yes, Aaron and I insult each other a lot and give each other hell. We do it because we both think it's funny, we love each other, and we like to make each other laugh (at each other's expense). It's actually one of my favorite things about our relationship. But occasionally, we can get a little mushy too. Aaron said something rude to me at my sister's last night, and Mary says (while laughing) "You're mean!", when I remember the grocery list in my pocket. "He talks a lot of crap" I say, "but he really loves me a whole lot. I have the proof right here." I made the mistake of pulling it out when I was too close to him, and he snatched it away. Then he ripped off the last thing he had written on the list and ATE it. It said "1 pkg of love". HA! Bastard. I was planning to take a picture of it and blog it, but that's okay. He thinks he won, but there's more where that came from....

My birthday card from my Prince Charming. The present was a pink Snuggie! Woohoo! Although I think it was a partially selfish gift, he gets tired of me bitching about how cold I am.

The girls decided to lend their artistic talents to help finish Aaron's back piece...

AND, A WEIRD LAWN ORNAMENT UPDATE:

I found the placement of the sign strange. Does he not want us in the yard at all, or is it okay if we go in the yard, as long as we don't touch his alien?

AND FINALLY, I just had a bowl of my favorite ice cream and I am PISSED. I get a 1/2 the fat chocolate chocolate chip, that is SUPPOSED to have dark chocolate chips in it which is WHY I buy it in the first place, and this is the SECOND one I've brought home that contains ZERO. Actually the last one had ONE in it, that happened to be scooped in with Aaron's serving. I'm sending them a nasty e-mail.

Scoop O' Poop

It's time to give in to what?! That shart you've been holding at bay with your butt cheeks? This has to be one of the most disgusting food ads I've ever seen! Who is thinking these things up, and what moo-ron is paying them for their ideas? Because I want in on it. If gross is all it takes, I'm their girl. I've already got an idea for yogurt. It would be a close up of a big blob on the corner of someone's mouth, and it would say "It's time to swallow it." And that's just off the top of my head.

I was in an exam room cleaning the table after a patient left, when my gaze swept over the supply container. We have a clear, plastic cylinder in every room that has tongue depressors and q-tips in it- the ones on the end of a long wooden stick. Normally they're in there cotton tip down, but there was one with the cotton tip sticking up. And it had a big golden chunk of wax on it. "UUGGHH!" I took the container out of the room and showed it to everyone, because I wanted to make sure everyone had an opportunity to be grossed out. Then I took a picture of it, I intended to take the camera home and load it on my computer, but then I forgot. Maybe later. It was obviously human ear goo, pet wax looks different. We all figured it was a client who either thought it was funny OR they were disgruntled from having to wait too long, so they were like "I'll show them!", and left us a shiny surprise. At least I thought this until I showed my prize to the last co-worker on my list, and she said "I've found those before!!" So this leads me to believe an employee is the culprit, which I find disturbing. Why would someone who works there dig treasure out of their ear and leave it for someone else to deal with? It may seem like a small thing, but it speaks of an angry, possibly malicious personality.
My theory is it's the same person who takes their daily dump at work EVERY SINGLE MORNING. This poop perpetrator has been identified, we'll call her Fantasia. Every day she comes in, makes a GIANT cup of coffee that she works on for about 30 minutes to an hour (she's certainly not working on anything else), then she'll slip into the can for a good 10-15. The cue for her exit is a 5 second "sssshhhhhhh" which is the sweet sound of the Lysol dispensing it's perfume, so it can mingle with the doody cloud, leaving the pleasant "farts and flowers" combination.
WHY is she okay with that??! I would make an effort to get up a few minutes earlier, ya know, have my coffee at HOME, so that my colon is clean BEFORE I hit the office (actually, that is what I do). I just don't get it! And this I why I think she's the q-tip culprit as well, a criminal who leaves things instead of taking them.
By the way, Fanstasia is because she is one of those people who sings in a "listen to how beautiful my voice is" way, and she actually said once that she could've made it on American Idol. Whenever she starts in, I clench my teeth to either A)keep myself from telling her to shaddup or B) keep myself from laughing- depending on my mood.

You know what I never get tired of? Different people making the same comments over and over when I'm walking Indy. "Are you walking her or is she walking you?" "Is that a horse or a dog?" Hahahahahaaaaaa.....it never gets old.

So putting our Christmas tree out in freezing temps overnight while leaving a sprinkler drizzling on it has become a Griffin family tradition...

I love this picture, her expression and posture say "I'm really, really cold"

The fact that she's wearing Aaron's water shoes might have something to do with that...

By the way, Tatum took those pictures. I told her to take a picture of the tree, she took the rest on her own. I see blogging in her future, she's a natural..

Only In The South

Learn to beautify your rose bushes AND find the best weapons to blow away any varmints that try to tear 'em up!!! All the information you need to pamper your petunias and become a squirrel sniper in one magazine!
Personally, I wish there was a Basketweaving & Bombs. How about Antiques & Artillery? Knitting & Knives? I could do this all day...

JUST SAY NO

THIS IS YOUR DOG'S ANUS-

(actually it's my dog's anus)

THIS IS YOUR DOG'S ANUS ON BALLS-

ANY QUESTIONS?

Sponsored by the Council of Canine Testicle Haters and P.A.D.D (People Against Dogs "Doing It")

The Million Dollar Dane

Okay, so maybe not a million dollars-YET. But give it time, she still has several years left to finish sucking the life blood out of us. She's had two surgeries on her hip- it popped out of place when she jumped out of the back of the truck. Was I there when it happened? OF COURSE NOT. I wouldn't have had her back there with nothing to keep her in, apparently Aaron felt like she should have enough common sense to stay put. Ummm...mmmmkay. Indy the Rocket Scientist. Her food bill alone is enough to put us in the poor house! At least she's finally outgrown her taste for family footwear, I don't have to hit the store for new socks weekly anymore. And I don't miss scooping those turd-crusted torpedoes out of the yard either. Now it's all about Barbie body parts in Boomer's excrement. There definitely something unsettling about a tiny foot protruding from a pile of poo.
SO ANYHOOS, her latest ISSUE was an ear hematoma. This occurs when the ear flap suffers some sort of trauma. A pocket forms between the two sides of the ear flap, and it proceeds to fill with fluid. Dogs that have ear infections will often get them from shaking their head or scratching their ears. Indy has never had an ear infection, so hers was likely caused from a certain unruly mutt nipping at her head/ears while playing. It started out really small, so I thought "Maybe it will stay this size until it just shrivels up, her ear might be a little crinkly, but she's not exactly a show dog." I should've known better.....

The procedure involves anesthesia, slicing the ear open, squeezing out all of the fluid, then putting a bunch of stitches in it. The stitches tack one side of the ear to the other, so that it heals back together eliminating the dead space. I RELUCTANTLY put Indy on the surgery schedule. On the appointment notes I put "Ear hematoma. Let's just cut her whole head off." Everyone was like "Jennifer! You don't mean that!" OHH yeeesss I dooo...

So here she is after surgery. A bandage stays on for the first few days to apply pressure....

I know what you're all saying! "Aaawwww. Poor Indy!" Well, save your freaking sympathy! She doesn't deserve it, she has done everything in her mentally incompetent power to sabotage her recovery! Here's her once bright and pristine bandage on day two......

For some reason, I didn't have the foresight to bring extra materials home, and all I could find was packing tape. As you can, it's doing a fantastic job not holding her soiled head gear in place. My sisters said she looked like a wounded civil war soldier fresh off of the battlefield.

We went through several bandages, had to do MORE surgery to put MORE sutures in place, and here I am like 3 weeks later STILL smushing juice out of the tip of her ear twice a day. I'm just going to let the sutures dissolve on their own and this point, and hope it's done manufacturing ooze by the time that happens. Or it's back to the sewing board...

Tatum is talking to me after school the other day, and she says "I forgot to take my drawings to school today, and I was pissed." "Um, you're not allowed to use that word Tatum." "Okay, so I forgot my pictures today and I was really mad!" HA! It was funny because it was obvious she was testing the word out on me to see how it would go over.

And in holiday preparation news, we got our tree today. YAAYY! We get a real one from the farm, I like the bluish ones that are full and smell really good- I don't know what they're called. Anyway, he let us take it for $20 because Aaron cut it down and carried it himself. Not too shabby. It was all downhill from there though. Aaron had a really hard time getting it in the stand and making it straight. I was trying really hard not to laugh while he was wrestling with it and cussing at it. Seriously, he looked like some deranged lumberjack who thinks one of the trees he cut down is attacking him. I put my engineering skills to work and shoved a few books under one side of it. Perfect! We had all of the lights on it, when Aaron got some water to fill the stand. He poured it in- then it leaked right back out into a huge puddle on the floor. Apparently, he put a crack in the bottom of the stand when he was showing that overgrown twig who's boss. SO we had to take everything off of it and rig the stand to work by adding some saran wrap and tupperware. BONUS- there's a dent in the wall, also a result of Man Vs. Wild. Ahhh, the Christmas spirit....

My First Mammo-Cram- Pancakes, Anyone?

A couple of months ago, I noticed I had an extra little lumpy thing on my left mam. I hadn't noticed it before, and I couldn't duplicate it on the other side (you always figure if the same thing's on both sides,it's normal), so it concerned me a little. Then it was breast cancer awareness month, THEN a very good friend of mine's mother died of cancer, SO I scheduled an appointment with my vaginacologist to check it out. She didn't think it was anything, which made me feel about 98% better about it, but she set me up a mammogram appointment to be on the safe side. I didn't tell anyone about any of it, including Aaron, I figured "Why cause anyone else worry and have it turn out to be nothing?" However, he must have listened to a reminder message on the machine. "Do you have a doctor's appointment Monday?" Pause. "Yeah." "What's it for?" "A mammogram." Pause. "Do you want me to meet you there?" "Why?" "I don't know, for moral support." How thoughtful! "No, I think I'll be fine." Pause. "Is a man or woman going to be doing it?" AAHHAAA! So THAT'S why he wanted to come! I love my husband, because even though I'm a haggard, scraggly haired mother of two, he still thinks every man wants me for some reason. "I don't know." I said. It hadn't occurred to me to wonder, but now I had that to worry about too! You see, I do not nor have I ever been to a male OB/GYN. And I would never go to one, even if they are one of the best doctors in the world because A) the idea of a man I'm not in a committed relationship with looking at my junk freaks me out and B) he HAS to be a pervert to some degree. I mean, WHY would a man choose that particular field of medicine? A woman may do it because of her own experiences with her doctor and her body, you know, wanting to help her fellow lady, but a guy? Nothing you can say could convince me he's like "I value women and think they are the most important members of our society, and I have dedicated my life to keeping them healthy- inside and out." HA! They want to look at trim and honk hooters all day! And then go home and tell their buddies aaallll about it.
Well, the mammojammer turned out to be a woman, which was a relief. She was nice, and explained everything to me as we went along, and warned me ahead of time when she was moving in to make adjustments. It wasn't nearly as bad as I thought it would be. I actually went for a run before my appointment, because I figured my jugs would be too sore to cram into two sport bras and tolerate any movement. But I actually suffered no ill side effects.
The machine has these two sides that you put your boobs between, they look like the clear, plastic refrigerator drawers. She puts you in some awkward position and tosses your tit in like pizza dough, then she hits a peddle that smashes it between the bottoms of the two refrigerator drawers. THEN you turn a knob yourself to tighten it even more, as "much as you can tolerate" she tells me. So I cranked. And cranked. And cranked. Until she became concerned. "Don't hurt yourself." she says. "Trust me, I'm not. There's hardly any boob left in my boobs" I reply. They are crraazzy looking in that thing, it's hard to believe they're attached to me. About 6 views later, I'm done. The doctor is in house, so he looks at them and he can't see anything suspicious- WOOHOO- but he wants to feel the area of my concern. Yikes. So she takes me in a room to wait, and in walks a man who is about 5 feet tall, and AT LEAST 80 years old. I'm feeling much better about having his liver spotted gropers on my girls. This doctor, who actually looked like he could use his OWN doctor, was officially the third guy to ever cop a bra-less feel of my double Ds. I was tempted to tell him this...but I didn't.
He actually determined it was an inflamed tendon. "Do you do anything that might cause strain in that area?" Um, let's see, I run, wrestle and lift animals at work, wrestle and lift kids at home...nope, nothing comes to mind.
When I left, they let me pick a carnation out of a vase that they had by the changing rooms, which was sorta nice but mostly creepy. It actually makes one feel more taken advantage of and violated, like I let them romance me into getting to second base or something. But I figured the girls would like it.
Speaking of the girls, we designated Monday nights as game night! It's actually been a lot of fun family time for the most part with the exception of A) Reese is four. It can be a challenge to get her to adhere to the rules, and she sometimes has a cow if she loses- but she's getting better about it. and B) I didn't realize how many games require color recognition until I started playing them with someone who's color blind. That would be Aaron. I bought Guess Who? a couple weeks ago. In this game, you ask your opponent questions to narrow down who their mystery person is until there's only one left. The first person to get to that one card and guess the other's mystery person wins. You ask questions like "Is your person wearing glasses?" "Does your person have brown hair?" etc. Aaron's team (which included him and one of the girls) almost always got to the last card first. He'd say (smug and grinning) "Is your person Justin?" "Um, no. It's Brandon." "WHAT?!!? Let me see that!!" "You asked if my person had brown hair, I said no. Justin there clearly has brown hair. Brandon's is black. " We ended up giving up and moving on to Candy Land, where we had to move Aaron's Diego gamepiece for him- another color driven game. Poor Meaty Bones.
Reese lost her first baby tooth!!! Literally. At the YMCA. "I'm sure the tooth fairy will take something else instead." I spent the evening trying to come up with what exactly, when the lightbulb appeared while I was trimming Reese's nails. "I bet the tooth fairy would love to get a fingernail! All she ever gets is teeth! And baby's need fingernails too!" I tell my kids their teeth go to new babies that need them. So we slipped one of her clippings into a sandwich bag with a note of explanation, and tucked it under her pillow. Reese ran out of her room brimming with excitement the next morning! The tooth fairy had left her a pretty ribbon for her hair, and gave her one of her own personal necklaces, because she was so happy to get something other than a tooth for a change.

My Collection of Creepy And/Or Pointless Lawn Decorations

The bench no one ever sits on...

The bench no one ever sits on- except for the ceramic forest creature....

Okay, so I know I just blogged this one recently, but I think it deserves a second mention. Don't you?...

The bench no one ever sits on made more annoying with school colors. I think the lanterns and cement circle are a nice touch too...

The bench no one ever sits on accompanied by the fence that doesn't keep anything in or out. Hint: some of you know who lives here. heehee...

I REALLY hate it when they look like this....

They must really love their trash can. I actually got busted by the old guy that lives here when I snapped this one. I just waved and smiled, like me taking pictures of his place was the most natural thing in the world....Bonus: there's a windmill in the background...

Ahhh...one of my personal favorites- the flower bed. Get it?! HOOHAAHAA!!...anyway, I could NOT get a good picture, and I drove by THREE times. I figured I'd really be pushing my luck trying again, there were a couple vehicles there. Anyway, I've lived here almost four years and I've NEVER seen a flower in that thing. It's really more of a Dead Leaf Bed....

A stone duck pulling a wagon with pretty much all of the paint chipped off of it. This is creepy because A) it's the ONLY ornament on the premises B) it's pressed right up against the fence, beak through the chain link, like it's pleading for someone to set it free C) the house is creepy. It's all beat up and run down, it looks like no one lives there, but they do. Kids actually live there, there's always bikes in the yard. There used to be like 10 jack russell mixes yapping around in there, then one day they were just gone....



The always unsettling life size toddler statue. You do a double take, because for a split second you think someone's 18 month old is sitting out front by his or herself...