Only In The South

Learn to beautify your rose bushes AND find the best weapons to blow away any varmints that try to tear 'em up!!! All the information you need to pamper your petunias and become a squirrel sniper in one magazine!
Personally, I wish there was a Basketweaving & Bombs. How about Antiques & Artillery? Knitting & Knives? I could do this all day...

JUST SAY NO

THIS IS YOUR DOG'S ANUS-

(actually it's my dog's anus)

THIS IS YOUR DOG'S ANUS ON BALLS-

ANY QUESTIONS?

Sponsored by the Council of Canine Testicle Haters and P.A.D.D (People Against Dogs "Doing It")

The Million Dollar Dane

Okay, so maybe not a million dollars-YET. But give it time, she still has several years left to finish sucking the life blood out of us. She's had two surgeries on her hip- it popped out of place when she jumped out of the back of the truck. Was I there when it happened? OF COURSE NOT. I wouldn't have had her back there with nothing to keep her in, apparently Aaron felt like she should have enough common sense to stay put. Ummm...mmmmkay. Indy the Rocket Scientist. Her food bill alone is enough to put us in the poor house! At least she's finally outgrown her taste for family footwear, I don't have to hit the store for new socks weekly anymore. And I don't miss scooping those turd-crusted torpedoes out of the yard either. Now it's all about Barbie body parts in Boomer's excrement. There definitely something unsettling about a tiny foot protruding from a pile of poo.
SO ANYHOOS, her latest ISSUE was an ear hematoma. This occurs when the ear flap suffers some sort of trauma. A pocket forms between the two sides of the ear flap, and it proceeds to fill with fluid. Dogs that have ear infections will often get them from shaking their head or scratching their ears. Indy has never had an ear infection, so hers was likely caused from a certain unruly mutt nipping at her head/ears while playing. It started out really small, so I thought "Maybe it will stay this size until it just shrivels up, her ear might be a little crinkly, but she's not exactly a show dog." I should've known better.....

The procedure involves anesthesia, slicing the ear open, squeezing out all of the fluid, then putting a bunch of stitches in it. The stitches tack one side of the ear to the other, so that it heals back together eliminating the dead space. I RELUCTANTLY put Indy on the surgery schedule. On the appointment notes I put "Ear hematoma. Let's just cut her whole head off." Everyone was like "Jennifer! You don't mean that!" OHH yeeesss I dooo...

So here she is after surgery. A bandage stays on for the first few days to apply pressure....

I know what you're all saying! "Aaawwww. Poor Indy!" Well, save your freaking sympathy! She doesn't deserve it, she has done everything in her mentally incompetent power to sabotage her recovery! Here's her once bright and pristine bandage on day two......

For some reason, I didn't have the foresight to bring extra materials home, and all I could find was packing tape. As you can, it's doing a fantastic job not holding her soiled head gear in place. My sisters said she looked like a wounded civil war soldier fresh off of the battlefield.

We went through several bandages, had to do MORE surgery to put MORE sutures in place, and here I am like 3 weeks later STILL smushing juice out of the tip of her ear twice a day. I'm just going to let the sutures dissolve on their own and this point, and hope it's done manufacturing ooze by the time that happens. Or it's back to the sewing board...

Tatum is talking to me after school the other day, and she says "I forgot to take my drawings to school today, and I was pissed." "Um, you're not allowed to use that word Tatum." "Okay, so I forgot my pictures today and I was really mad!" HA! It was funny because it was obvious she was testing the word out on me to see how it would go over.

And in holiday preparation news, we got our tree today. YAAYY! We get a real one from the farm, I like the bluish ones that are full and smell really good- I don't know what they're called. Anyway, he let us take it for $20 because Aaron cut it down and carried it himself. Not too shabby. It was all downhill from there though. Aaron had a really hard time getting it in the stand and making it straight. I was trying really hard not to laugh while he was wrestling with it and cussing at it. Seriously, he looked like some deranged lumberjack who thinks one of the trees he cut down is attacking him. I put my engineering skills to work and shoved a few books under one side of it. Perfect! We had all of the lights on it, when Aaron got some water to fill the stand. He poured it in- then it leaked right back out into a huge puddle on the floor. Apparently, he put a crack in the bottom of the stand when he was showing that overgrown twig who's boss. SO we had to take everything off of it and rig the stand to work by adding some saran wrap and tupperware. BONUS- there's a dent in the wall, also a result of Man Vs. Wild. Ahhh, the Christmas spirit....

My First Mammo-Cram- Pancakes, Anyone?

A couple of months ago, I noticed I had an extra little lumpy thing on my left mam. I hadn't noticed it before, and I couldn't duplicate it on the other side (you always figure if the same thing's on both sides,it's normal), so it concerned me a little. Then it was breast cancer awareness month, THEN a very good friend of mine's mother died of cancer, SO I scheduled an appointment with my vaginacologist to check it out. She didn't think it was anything, which made me feel about 98% better about it, but she set me up a mammogram appointment to be on the safe side. I didn't tell anyone about any of it, including Aaron, I figured "Why cause anyone else worry and have it turn out to be nothing?" However, he must have listened to a reminder message on the machine. "Do you have a doctor's appointment Monday?" Pause. "Yeah." "What's it for?" "A mammogram." Pause. "Do you want me to meet you there?" "Why?" "I don't know, for moral support." How thoughtful! "No, I think I'll be fine." Pause. "Is a man or woman going to be doing it?" AAHHAAA! So THAT'S why he wanted to come! I love my husband, because even though I'm a haggard, scraggly haired mother of two, he still thinks every man wants me for some reason. "I don't know." I said. It hadn't occurred to me to wonder, but now I had that to worry about too! You see, I do not nor have I ever been to a male OB/GYN. And I would never go to one, even if they are one of the best doctors in the world because A) the idea of a man I'm not in a committed relationship with looking at my junk freaks me out and B) he HAS to be a pervert to some degree. I mean, WHY would a man choose that particular field of medicine? A woman may do it because of her own experiences with her doctor and her body, you know, wanting to help her fellow lady, but a guy? Nothing you can say could convince me he's like "I value women and think they are the most important members of our society, and I have dedicated my life to keeping them healthy- inside and out." HA! They want to look at trim and honk hooters all day! And then go home and tell their buddies aaallll about it.
Well, the mammojammer turned out to be a woman, which was a relief. She was nice, and explained everything to me as we went along, and warned me ahead of time when she was moving in to make adjustments. It wasn't nearly as bad as I thought it would be. I actually went for a run before my appointment, because I figured my jugs would be too sore to cram into two sport bras and tolerate any movement. But I actually suffered no ill side effects.
The machine has these two sides that you put your boobs between, they look like the clear, plastic refrigerator drawers. She puts you in some awkward position and tosses your tit in like pizza dough, then she hits a peddle that smashes it between the bottoms of the two refrigerator drawers. THEN you turn a knob yourself to tighten it even more, as "much as you can tolerate" she tells me. So I cranked. And cranked. And cranked. Until she became concerned. "Don't hurt yourself." she says. "Trust me, I'm not. There's hardly any boob left in my boobs" I reply. They are crraazzy looking in that thing, it's hard to believe they're attached to me. About 6 views later, I'm done. The doctor is in house, so he looks at them and he can't see anything suspicious- WOOHOO- but he wants to feel the area of my concern. Yikes. So she takes me in a room to wait, and in walks a man who is about 5 feet tall, and AT LEAST 80 years old. I'm feeling much better about having his liver spotted gropers on my girls. This doctor, who actually looked like he could use his OWN doctor, was officially the third guy to ever cop a bra-less feel of my double Ds. I was tempted to tell him this...but I didn't.
He actually determined it was an inflamed tendon. "Do you do anything that might cause strain in that area?" Um, let's see, I run, wrestle and lift animals at work, wrestle and lift kids at home...nope, nothing comes to mind.
When I left, they let me pick a carnation out of a vase that they had by the changing rooms, which was sorta nice but mostly creepy. It actually makes one feel more taken advantage of and violated, like I let them romance me into getting to second base or something. But I figured the girls would like it.
Speaking of the girls, we designated Monday nights as game night! It's actually been a lot of fun family time for the most part with the exception of A) Reese is four. It can be a challenge to get her to adhere to the rules, and she sometimes has a cow if she loses- but she's getting better about it. and B) I didn't realize how many games require color recognition until I started playing them with someone who's color blind. That would be Aaron. I bought Guess Who? a couple weeks ago. In this game, you ask your opponent questions to narrow down who their mystery person is until there's only one left. The first person to get to that one card and guess the other's mystery person wins. You ask questions like "Is your person wearing glasses?" "Does your person have brown hair?" etc. Aaron's team (which included him and one of the girls) almost always got to the last card first. He'd say (smug and grinning) "Is your person Justin?" "Um, no. It's Brandon." "WHAT?!!? Let me see that!!" "You asked if my person had brown hair, I said no. Justin there clearly has brown hair. Brandon's is black. " We ended up giving up and moving on to Candy Land, where we had to move Aaron's Diego gamepiece for him- another color driven game. Poor Meaty Bones.
Reese lost her first baby tooth!!! Literally. At the YMCA. "I'm sure the tooth fairy will take something else instead." I spent the evening trying to come up with what exactly, when the lightbulb appeared while I was trimming Reese's nails. "I bet the tooth fairy would love to get a fingernail! All she ever gets is teeth! And baby's need fingernails too!" I tell my kids their teeth go to new babies that need them. So we slipped one of her clippings into a sandwich bag with a note of explanation, and tucked it under her pillow. Reese ran out of her room brimming with excitement the next morning! The tooth fairy had left her a pretty ribbon for her hair, and gave her one of her own personal necklaces, because she was so happy to get something other than a tooth for a change.

My Collection of Creepy And/Or Pointless Lawn Decorations

The bench no one ever sits on...

The bench no one ever sits on- except for the ceramic forest creature....

Okay, so I know I just blogged this one recently, but I think it deserves a second mention. Don't you?...

The bench no one ever sits on made more annoying with school colors. I think the lanterns and cement circle are a nice touch too...

The bench no one ever sits on accompanied by the fence that doesn't keep anything in or out. Hint: some of you know who lives here. heehee...

I REALLY hate it when they look like this....

They must really love their trash can. I actually got busted by the old guy that lives here when I snapped this one. I just waved and smiled, like me taking pictures of his place was the most natural thing in the world....Bonus: there's a windmill in the background...

Ahhh...one of my personal favorites- the flower bed. Get it?! HOOHAAHAA!!...anyway, I could NOT get a good picture, and I drove by THREE times. I figured I'd really be pushing my luck trying again, there were a couple vehicles there. Anyway, I've lived here almost four years and I've NEVER seen a flower in that thing. It's really more of a Dead Leaf Bed....

A stone duck pulling a wagon with pretty much all of the paint chipped off of it. This is creepy because A) it's the ONLY ornament on the premises B) it's pressed right up against the fence, beak through the chain link, like it's pleading for someone to set it free C) the house is creepy. It's all beat up and run down, it looks like no one lives there, but they do. Kids actually live there, there's always bikes in the yard. There used to be like 10 jack russell mixes yapping around in there, then one day they were just gone....



The always unsettling life size toddler statue. You do a double take, because for a split second you think someone's 18 month old is sitting out front by his or herself...

Don't Let The Cat Out of The Bag

It was a typical day at the office, we were all hanging in the lab, reading fecals, expressing anal glands, venipuncturing a jugular on a wiggly Yorkie, etc. You know, the usual. Prego returns from a room she just got done working up with a big grin on her face, and a giant suitcase dangling from her fingertips. "Hey, where are you going?" I inquire. "Can I come?" "I'm not sure" she says while looking at the tag, "but I know I'm flying Delta." HA! So there was a cat in the suitcase, apparently the owners didn't have a carrier to transport him in. Now that I've actually seen a suitcase used as a carrier, I'm surprised I've never seen one toting a critter before. It makes sense really. I HAVE a picture of the luggage, but it won't upload, I tried 4 TIMES. @#$&$(*)@ technology.
Our feline friend was very ill feeling AND ill tempered. We had to pull blood for a cbc and chemistry. As we were trying to decide the best way to restrain the beast while keeping all of our limbs in their original condition, I suddenly remembered. The Cat Bag! Recently acquired, we had yet to put it to use. You see, you zip the cat's entire body into it, so only his head is poking out. There are two little zippers on the front so you can pull out his legs if needed (which we did later for catheter placement). Because he was as likely to inflict damage with his choppers as he was his talons, we put one of our cat muzzles on him too. We refer to these fondly as our "bondage equipment". I was so delighted with the end result, that I actually willingly smiled and posed for a photo with the puddy tat.....

heeheehee. He's pushing on it as hard as he can with his front paws. HA! So as this picture demonstrates, the cat bag and the cat muzzle combined allow you to cuddle a creature that would otherwise rip your head off and use your neck as kitty litter. It was faaabulous! It would've taken three rather than 2 people to put a catheter in Fluffy here if not for our gremlin gear. Woo Ha!
So we took these pictures with one of our cameras at work, and Ca -cas downloaded them and sent them to me. When she was done she called me to tell me and said "I also sent you two other pictures I found on there." Woohoo! I went into my e-mail, giddy with anticipation. One of the pictures is a pile of crap. As you can imagine, we see dumps of all shapes, sizes, colors, textures, smells...you get the idea. For the most part, a loaf is not picture worthy, simply because it's such a common occurrence. You know, it would be like taking a picture of one of the books in your office if you're a lawyer. Or taking a picture of a trash can if you're a sanitation man. A dime a dozen. However, this particular excrement was special, and I'll tell you why: A) it was especially foul smelling B) it was especially foul looking C) it was one of the HUGEST dog dumps I have ever seen D) it came from a dog that wasn't much bigger than it was. I'm not kidding. I don't see how this dog lost such a giant part of itself and lived to tell about it......

The other picture she sent was of our former favorite co-worker- I'll use her name now since she's long gone- TRACY. Ugh. I WOULD'VE put it on here but for the fact that she's actually in the background, and there are two other employees at the foreground. One I was fond of, but she no longers work with us. The other....let's just say if she found out I put a picture of her on my blog without asking, she would probably press charges for displaying her image without permission. Or at the very least she'd be a beeitch about. Probably send out a memo about respecting the privacy of others and not discussing work issues with outsiders. What Happens at _____Animal Hospital Stays At _____Animal Hospital.

Also, Tracy is wearing make up in the picture!!! Come on! She probably wore it like 3 times in the 3 years she worked there! Where are the pictures of her in her grotesque natural state!!! Not that war paint did her much good. As Aaron (and Simon) would say, you can polish a turd, but it's still nuthin' but shit....or something like that

In Your Dreams

I rarely remember my dreams, and when I do they are vague and random, and most of the time I know I'm dreaming WHILE I'm dreaming. It's like I'm watching some boring artsy short film.
It seems like I'm more likely to remember them when I wake up then fall back asleep.
In my most recent remembered dream, I have left the house and realize as I make my way down the sidewalk that I've forgotten to put on my bra. That would NEVER happen. As I'm jiggling along, destination who knows, I realize I have missed several of my classes and wonder how I'm going to make up all of the work. I'm not in school. Then suddenly I'm at the top of this brick tower (it's actually more like a chimney), and it tips over and crashes to the ground. Jamie Fox was in there with me, and we are holding each other in the rubble, rocking back and forth and sobbing. My boss (a veterinarian) examines us for injuries. The End.
Come to think of it, most of the dreams I remember have someone famous in them, but not in any kind of cool or exciting way.
There was what I refer to as my "Patrick Swayze Period" in highschool (rest in peace). I mean, yeah he's a talented guy and attractive, but I it's not like I was a huge fan or anything. But I kept having these dreams where we were like best buds, we'd joke around and I'd ask him questions about life and for advice. There are two I remember specifically. In one he is on the deck of a yacht painting on an easel, I sneak up behind him and sprinkle some shredded cheese on his shoulder. "Hey" I say. "Has anyone ever told you that you have cheddar cheese on your shoulder?" HOHOHAHA. And then there's one when he's standing in front of me, and I turn so my side is pressed up against the back of him, and then I start jumping up and down yelling " I'm a wedgie! I'm a wedgie!" What?! Like you don't have effed up dreams?! Oh yeah, you're SO normal. Whatever. Anyway, my friends gave me a tremendous amount of hell for those. Patrick was referred to as my "soul mate" and/or my "spiritual advisor".
Then there's my only remembered Eddie Vedder dream, who I DID love and adore, for the music and his raw passionate sexiness. Anyways, in this dream I am in a HUGE crowd of people, all cheering and screaming for Eddie. He is slowly walking through the mass of bodies, shaking hands and smiling. It seems like an eternity as he creeps closer and closer to me. My heart rate increases, the anticipation is killing me. He FINALLY reaches me. Then he smiles. Shakes my hand. And keeps walking.
This reminds me of a dream Ca-cas told me about. HA! She was lucky enough to have one about Paul Rudd. However, he was a lousy kisser, and he kept doing a horrible Jackie Chan impersonation. "I'm Jackie Chan!!" HAHAHA!
I do actually remember having a dream once where someone was chasing me trying to shoot me. I ran down a hallway that had a bunch of cement alcoves and I ducked into one of them. I made the mistake of peeking my head out to see if this person followed me, and they shot me in the head. I've heard that if you die in your dream, you die in real life. Craaazzzy. I didn't die all the way though, I woke up while the warm wet blood was still oozing down the side of my head. It was probably actually the warm wet drool oozing out of the side of my mouth.
Completely unrelated, I had walked a client to the front desk to check out the other day, and he said "Can I have some of this candy?" We have a basket of halloween candy on the counter. "Help yourself." I say. "The more you eat, the less left for us to eat." "What are you talkin' about?" He says. "You could stand to gain a few pounds. You could turn sideways and become a memory! You could dry off with a washcloth when you get out of the shower!" I laugh and tell him he sounds just like my husband, who tell me I have to "run around in the shower to get wet." When I'm telling this story to my sister later, she says "My favorite is the Dorito one." I had completely forgotten it, and it is probably the funniest!! Aaron likes to say I'm so skinny I could "hang glide with a Dorito". It makes me laugh because I picture myself sailing through the air, gripping the corners of the corn chip, cheese powder caked on my fingertips, my legs flowing behind me. Oh yeah,and I'm wearing aviator goggles and a leather cap. heeheehee